Thursday, October 14, 2010

Life Changing = Support

This whole week was pretty emotional.  We attended a candlelight vigil to remember those who lost their lives to domestic violence and to honor those who have survived.  There were 4 survivors that spoke each were at diffrent stages in their journey.  One was a year out and another was just six weeks since she got away from her abuser.  It helped me to remember that this is all a process and even though I've been out a little over three years now, it helps me understand that in three years from today I am still going to be processing it in a diffrent way but it is always going to be a part of me.  I'm not really upset about that and I know that sounds a little strange but I like the person that I am today and I know that I am who I am because of my experiences so I cannot discount any of those events no matter how horrible they were.
The vigil was very good in the sense that there was a lot of support in that room.  There was a family of a women who is not with us today and then there were women who are currently in the shelter now.  It was just great to hear their support for one another.  It helped to remind me that we are not in this alone that we don't have to go through this alone.  Understanding that and learning that is just enormous and to a women who is still in the situation it can be life changing.  I know coming into contact with other women in the shelter and survivors was simply life changing to me.  It meant a lot that I could finally talk about my experiences and tell them my story and know that the people I was talking to understood and were not judging me and they had walked in my shoes.   I remember when I first heard them tell their stories. I felt a closeness to them that is unexplainable. When they talked about their hurt I felt their hurt because I had been right their with them.  I think that is just an overwhelming thing to survivors and to those who are still in it and THAT is the one thing if anything I can get across is that your not alone....We are not alone.  Abusers try to make you feel so alone and they cut you off from everyone from any kind of support.  If you can find that one person or group and just understand that you are not alone.  That can help you start to rebuild and make yourself stronger so that when you are ready one day you can be strong enough to leave.
I understand what a dangerous thing it can be but getting those support groups out there and ensuring the safety of the women to be able to attend ......... it would be..........it could be........LIFE CHANGING

Monday, September 27, 2010

I've been chosen!

I want to share with you something that I read.  This short passage helped me and I wanted to share it with you.
"For many of us, it is hard to believe that we have been chosen.  Our lives, the circumstances and conditions in which we live, make it very difficult to believe that we have a special purpose, a special place in god's heart.  Even though it is hard to believe, it is true.  The chosen have many tests and trials.  They also have the chosen ability.
Just for today, allow yourself to believe you have been chosen.  All of the experiences you have had were your training ground.  If you are still here, you made it through.  Every experience you thought was a bad experience was simply a test.  Guess what? You passed! All the times you were down, you got up.  All the things you could not do, got done.  Everything you thought you messed up worked out anyway.  Why? Because you have been chosen, and the chosen have a very special ability.  It's called God".   ~ Iyanla Vanzant
I think this is why I choose to share my life and my experiences though my blog and just in everyday life.  I know that God brought me through this for some reason and it is not all for naught.  I have to try and pass on to others what I have learned in hopes to save them from going through the same thing.  I also share so that those who have never walked in my shoes can hopefully better understand the whys?  I know that I am still being tested and I am growing.  Each and every experience I go through I come out stronger and smarter.  I think knowing that makes going through just a little easier.  

Monday, August 30, 2010

Heros

I was laying in bed thinking....going back over the past 10 years of my life....of my children's lives.  I realize that there is a little part of me that still hates myself.  A part of me that is angry, mad and confused at everything that I allowed to happen.  It's almost backwards but Im most upset and angry at myself and not at him.  I hate what I have allowed my children to see and go through.  I hate the hurt that I have caused the people who mean the most to me in my life.  I'M ANGRY at ME!
I was asked to speak at a charity event some weeks ago.  I was scared and excited all at the same time.  It went better than I could of expected and I had some really important people there who shared it with me.  I chose for whatever reason not to take my children to this event so when I got home I wanted to let them know how excited I was at the outcome.  My two oldest children wanted me to read my speech to them and so I did.  The speech included an incident that had happen that I spoke about here in my blog.  It also spoke about how the charity had helped to save my life.  When I was done reading my speech I looked up to see both my children with tears in their eyes.  Had I made the wrong decision reading this to them?  I didn't mean to cause them any hurt or pain.  So I took this opportunity to sit down and talk to them about what it was they were feeling.  I have that outlet here to get it out and yeah they have been through counseling but I never really felt like they have fully opened up about how they feel.

My daughter explained to me that she was crying because in my story I was bleeding and she was sad that I was hurt.  She told me she was sorry that I was hurt and I just held her and told her I was ok now and that everything was gonna be ok.  My son was a little harder to get to open up.  He just stood there in front of me crying and all I could do was hold him till he was able to talk.  He replayed to me a night that he remembered.  As soon as he began to tell his story I knew exactly the night that he was speaking of.  You see I remember every night.......I remember it all and I know there is A LOT that he remembers too.  The night he spoke about William tried to take the kids from the house.  I remember him making them get into the car in the garage.  I took his keys because there was no way I was letting him leave with my children.  He came after me in the house and as I threw his keys across the room he pushed me face first into the wall.  He proceeded to find his keys while I got up and ran to the garage to get my children out the car.
I remember that night I remember bleeding holding my children in the yard so that he could not take them.  I remember it and now I know my son does too.
I continued to let him get it out and after all the tears were gone I started to explain to both of them why I talk about what happened to us.  I told them that I knew they were embarrassed and didn't want all their friend to know.  I said to them........."What if one of your friends at school is going through exactly the same stuff you went though don't you think it would help him if he knew he wasn't alone that he had someone he could talk to about it that knew and understood exactly what he was going though?"  I then said it's ok you guys don't have to talk about it with your friends but understand I talk about to to help others.
I also explained to them that nothing that happened was their fault and there was nothing they could of done.  My son has often said he had wanted to do something but was to afraid.  I looked him straight in his eyes and told him "YOU ARE MY HERO!"  I looked at both of them and told them they were my hero's that they made me stronger and that I was sorry they had to go through that.
That was a rough night and I felt good and bad.  Bad that I had made my children feel bad and cry but also good because we really had one of the best talks we have ever had.  I'm proud of them.  So here I am back looking at myself and angry at the time that they lost.  At the memories that they are forced to live with.  Sometimes I wish their little brains were like an Etch A Sketch and I could just shake em and erase it all.  I just hope that I continue to make the right decisions and continue to help them to heal.  I have so many angels in my life that continue to help me and I only hope to be that for them.  After all they are my heros. 

Friday, August 27, 2010

Guilt of the choice

Come, child. It's evening. Come to me
And sit with me once more.
Let's rock here while the others sleep.
Let's see-your brother's twelve;
The baby is seven years old now;
Your little sister's eight,
And I have not decided if I'll tell them about you.
And you, you would be thirteen this year.
I do not know your name.
The color of your eyes, or hair,
Or where, or how, to blame.
The fear was all, the fear of change,
For I saw change as loss.
Against my dreams, my plans, my life
You seemed so small a cost,
Not knowing how your presence
Altered how I felt and thought,
Not knowing how you changed me
In the mix the hormones brought.

And you were not a child to me
But sickness, pain, and fear-
But oh, I know, I know you now,
Now that these three are here!
Your scent, your weight within my arms,
Your head upon my breast-
I did not know these things when I decided what was best.

And I am lost and so confused
And don't know how to feel,
For you, who were an illness,
Every year become more real;
Your brother and your sisters,
They proclaim you as they grow.
They make it harder still to face
The coldest truth I know:
That knowing-feeling-only
What I knew and felt back then,
I cannot say I would not make
This saddest choice again.

Oh! My little lost unknown,
My first and neverborn,
Forgive the ignorance that sent you
To the dark, unmourned!
And no, it isn't every day
I find your shadow here;
Most times I'm far too busy
For reflection or for tears,
But sometimes, when the children sleep

And I have time alone,
I sit down in the dark, and rock,
And bring my baby home.

Monday, August 2, 2010

A seed is Planted!

I was asked about a month ago if I would be willing to speak at a charity event for the shelter me and the kids were in when I left my abuser. The idea excited me and scared me at the same time. I want to talk about my story I want to help others and at this point this is the only way I know how. So while I was excited for the change to get to do this I was terrified as I SUCK at public speaking. So I sat down to write what I was going to say and I just went blank. What am I gonna say to a room full of strangers? Would they even care what I had to say? Would they judge me.....look down on me? I had to look past all of that and understand that if just one person in that room would hear my story and be touched or relate in some small way then that would be worth it to me. You see I'm a nobody.....I've been used to being a nobody my whole life but if I know anything it's that there is a reason for everything. God let me go through what I went through for a reason. He brought me through for a reason. He gave me a story to tell and this is my purpose.
So I started to write about me......a subject I know all to well.
So the night came that I was to "deliver" my speech.  I put on a basic black dress as I knew most people at this charity even would be dressed up and I didn't wanna stand out.  I had invited several people to attend and was thankful when a group of ladies joined me from work.  I took the mic in my hand and I stood before a room of at least 100 people shaking in my pretty high heels.  I was sort of in a haze throughout the entire speech but I did it.  After I was finished I let our a deep sigh of relief that it was over.  I was proud of myself I had go through it......I did it but would probably NEVER do that again!  Well that was until I started having women come up to be wanting to shake my hand ....... give me a hug .......... or just simply wanting to say "Thank You!"  I really had no idea what type of impact my words could have on other people.  Strangers at that.  When I left that event I was so proud of myself and I had finally realized that maybe.....just maybe I COULD make a difference....That I did have purpose and so the seed was planted.

Friday, June 18, 2010

3 Years and counting

The day is coming up......the day it was finally ended. It ended my nightmare or so I thought. Truth is the nightmare was not over, it was just the beginning of a long hard journey back. Back to me back to some sort of normality in my life. July 4, 2007. I guess because it falls on a holiday I will never forget that date. I had let him back into our lives yet once again. It didn't take long before he started screwing up again and making my life hell. Soon he started to disappear for days and I knew it would not be long before it would end again. We would fight and I would kick him out. That is they way I thought it would go. Up to this point he had not laid a hand on me in over 2 years. Well that streak would end on this early July 4th morning. He had been gone and unreachable for two days when he returned to my home at about 3am in the morning. I remember hearing him come into the house......lights came on and I barely got the chance to sit up when he grabbed me by my hair and pulled me out the bed to the floor and down the hallway. Like he was a caveman or something. My daughters slept downstairs that night and my son just happened to be in the room next to mine. At least William had enough sense to close the bedroom door where he was. So at least he didn't see what was happening. I pried myself from him grasp and ran back to my room and positioned myself in the corner of the room on the floor. Here I was ........ once again in my fetal position that I knew all to well. TWO YEARS.....TWO YEARS ...... How after so long was I right back here?? I had came so far and it took a blink of an eye to be right back there....back in it.
William came back and forth to the room each time either kicking or hitting me in the head. At one point I was able to look at him in his eyes.....he was not there. He was yelling about something that absolutely no sense to me. Then again it never did when he went off. He was high, drunk you name it. He was no longer William. That is when something inside of me snapped. He was gonna kill me. That is all that I thought to myself.....He is gonna kill me and not even know he did it.
I immediately started to think of ways to get out of there to get help....that was all that was running through my mind. Where is my phone? I gotta get to my phone!! I remembered for some reason I had plugged it in to the charger in the kitchen. The next time he came into the room I decided to follow him when he left the room. The whole time I'm trying to talk to him trying to calm him down. I knew that I couldn't do it but it was a distraction from what my real motive was. To get to my phone. I was able to grab my phone and run to my room and I dialed 911 just as he jumped on my back grabbed the phone and broke it in half. After a few more blows to my head he left the room once again and I scampered on the bottom of my closet. MAYBE the call went through.....Maybe they will try to call back and just send an officer out to check it out.....Maybe I can just wait it out till they come.....they will come......wont they?
Truth was they were not coming If I waited they would find me dead. What now .... what can I do now. Across the room I saw the keys to the house that must have falled out his pocket during one of his attacks. On the key ring was the house alarm remote. New plan......I had to time it just right or he would stop me. I took a couple more attacks then just as he left the room I grabbed the keys and ran across the hall to the bedroom where my son was. Closed the door and positioned myself between the wall and the door to hold it shut. I pushed the key remote alarm and set the house alarm. I started yelling to my son "OPEN THE WINDOW.......OPEN THE WINDOW!!! NOWWWW! At this point William is breaking through the door and my foot has gone through the wall. He is yelling at my son to not open it. Luckily my son opened the window which automatically set off the house alarm. William continued to try and break through the door. I was afraid for my son...what if William got to him. Did I just put him in Danger. I yelled for my son to bust out the screen......"GO OUT THE WINDOW.....GO GO GET HELP! My son went out the window.
William stopped coming through the door and I heard the house phone ring. I knew he had to answer it or the police were gonna come. I ran out the room and waited for him to answer the phone at which point I started to scream. After I was sure they heard me I ran out the back door to find my son and get help. We knocked and pounded on neighbors door and in my neighborhood you just don't answer you door late at night. So no one came to the door. William knew the police was coming so as my son and I watched from across the street he got in the car and left.

I wish I could say it ended there but that was not the end of it, but the worst of it was over. He was out of our lives and has been out of our lives for the last 3 years. I was left to once again pick up the pieces to rebuild a home where my children might once again feel safe and secure. Sure it took time but we have done just that. Once again the anniversary of that date is upon us and I can't help but relive that night. It gets easier and easier each year and I am starting to look at this date as a beginning and not and ending.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Moving On….???

Moving on……………..What do those words really mean. Sure you fall down you get back up and keep going. One step forward and two steps back. Does moving on mean leaving things behind or do you carry them with you? Can you really leave the past in the past or is it forever a part of who you are? I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons. Or have I? Who really knows exactly what we need to do to move on? Am I finally content with a past I regret? I feel that I am at peace with myself and who I am or am I just tricking myself into thinking that. I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long. I'm ready to move on. I've moved on or at least I think that I am. As far as my everyday life I am good. I am content with who I am and how I am raising my kids. The part of my life that I'm not really sure about is relationships. Relationships with men. I keep telling myself I'm ready but at the same time the thought of a serious relationship scares the crap out of me. I don't know if I can fully let my guard down to trust someone and not question their every motive. I like the idea of falling in love but up to this point I'm just getting up to falling into extreme like. Besides those words still echo in my head…."Who is gonna want you? Your fat and have three kids. Nobody wants someone with three kids!! You will never have another man around MY children!!"

I know that those things are not true but the thoughts are there I still hear those words that were said and yelled at me over and over and over again. Being in an abusive relationship is kinda like being brain washed. Once you are out of it you have to retrain your mind to what the truth really is and even though we retrain our minds the old "JUNK" as I like to call it, is still there, still haunting us. It's all about what we choose to listen to and believe. Sure on the good days it's easy to look at myself in the mirror and say "Your beautiful and any man would be LUCKY to have you in their life." On the not so good days ….. well you get my point. So they say that healing takes time. Ok well how much time exactly because that whole statement is pretty vague and I do better with exact terms Problem with that is there is never an exact answer.

Below are some things that I came across in my reading that I felt were somewhat helpful.


Remember that moving on is the end goal – Expressing your feelings will liberate you in a way, but it is important not to dwell on the negative feelings or to over-analyze the situation. Getting stuck in hurtful feelings like blame, anger and resentment will rob you of valuable energy and prevent you from healing and moving forward.


Remind yourself that you still have a future. When you commit to another person, you create many hopes and dreams. It's hard to let these dreams go. As you grieve the loss of the future you once envisioned, be encouraged by the fact that new hopes and dreams will eventually replace your old ones.

So what I take away from this is moving on is what is needed to grow and moving on means leaving the past in the past and refocusing on my future. So what is in my future? Who knows? I do know that I am ok with me. I am ok with the person that I am. I believe that I can and will be ok without having a man in my life. Now whether or not someone else will be ok with the person that I am….well that is yet to be determined. I have to worry about my happiness and if something does not make me happy then I HAVE to cut it out of my life. I've wasted to many years in negativity and loss. I have a future and I guess not knowing what that future holds is scary. Hell I know I'm not any different from anyone else. I guess I just like knowing that there is someone out there for me. There is someone that can accept me and my children and also accept the baggage that comes with being in a relationship with me. I know I have a lot to give and I know it's not all good. Guess everyone carries their own baggage, just feel like sometimes mine is a little heavier than I'd like it to be. So the answer to my original question is Yes I guess so. I guess I am moving on. I am doing what is needed of myself to move on to move past the hurt and resentment. I am not sure whether or not three years is enough time or not but then I guess it's an ongoing process and everyday is another pebble in the sand.


 


 

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Sleep Through The Pain

I wasn't going to do this but I need to. I need to let it go....I need to get it out. This Blog entry is different. Different in the aspect that all of the past entries I have written about past events and the way things were. Well here I am in the present. I am present in this moment in this time in this place. My abuser was released from jail a few weeks ago. He is out. He is walking the same streets I am walking. He is looking at the same sky that I look at everyday and I am forced to deal with how I feel about that. I share my emotions pretty well here on my blog but in real life in face to face conversation I have to the the strong one. I HAVE to be the confident one. I can handle this just fine! He is out, so what! I really love it when people try to tell me how I am supposed to feel or how I should handle this situation. Nothing make me more angry because they were not there, they didn't look into his eyes to see nothing, no soul no heart no conscience. They didn't hear the empty threats that I took VERY seriously.
So how DO I FEEL? Truth is I am VERY upset, sick to my stomach and once again waiting for the ball to drop. I'm not scared of him, but I know that it is just a matter of time before we come face to face. It's gonna happen and until it does I feel like someone is sitting on my chest. It's hard to breath.......I've been here before this place is very familiar to me. You have no idea what the last 3 years have meant to me. I was able to BREATH.....I was able to EXHALE! I was able to live my life again without limits the world was mine to discover with a freedom I didn't have for so many years.
People try to tell me about his intentions and how he has changed but I say BULLSHIT! I say that will not happen in 3 years, 6 years or even 10 years. Everyone is SAVED when they come out of jail. You know how many times I fell for that line. How many times I took him back......How many times I picked him up from the jail to hear all the promises? Promises are empty! His words are Empty to me. I HATE HIM! I DO NOT FORGIVE HIM and DONT TELL ME I SHOULD! DON'T you DARE tell me how to feel or what to do with this!
I feel threatened! I feel scared for my children! Yes I do. I'm pretty up front with my kids and we discuss almost everything so yes I told them he was out so that we could talk about it so they could work their feelings out about how this made them feel. I wasn't going to wait till the just popped up and let them be surprised. A few night ago Kiah came to be a little after bed time and said "Mommy I can't sleep because I'm scared." I told her there was nothing to be scared of and to go back to bed. She then said "You want to know what I'm scared of?" So I entertained her and asked. "I'm scared that Daddy is gonna come to my window." Now I realized that she was not just trying to get out of going to bed I sat down with her and explained that he would not do that. He does not want you hurt or scare you. You do not have to worry about that. Daddy is not going to hurt you. She then looked at me and said "What about you? What if he wants to hurt you?" After a long pause and a very deep breath I told her to not worry that we are safe....we are all safe here. Kissed her goodnight and left the room before she could see the tears start to fall.
I will get through this just like I have everything else and I will come out ok and my children will come out ok because I have an angel that watches over me. My angle carried me for many years. She then walked beside me until recently and now she walks behind me in case I should fall she will be there to catch me. Now it is always there.....even when I sleep it is there. So now I sleep through the pain until I wake up and this nightmare is over.

Friday, March 19, 2010

Foundation

You know I've been thinking a lot lately about the people that I have in my life now. About my family and just everything that god has give and taken away from me. People think that domestic violence is something that happens to one person, the victim. Sure we realize that the children are affected but what we miss to see a lot of the time is the bigger picture. Abuse not only affects the victim and her children but it has a huge affect on her family, friends and everyone around her. Domestic violence is about so much more than just victim. The abuse took so much from me, my self esteem, self worth, pride, home, my family and any friends that I had. I know I've said it before but domestic violence is so much like drug abuse if that makes it any easier to understand. William was my drug. I was addicted to him. I felt like I could not live without him. William took my self esteem and self worth away from me. The control he had over me was like a drug. He made me believe that the people in my life didn't want what was best for me. He lead me to believe that they were jealous of our relationship. That all they wanted to do was break us up. So I in return started to push them away...anyone and everyone that ever cared about me. Anytime I would start to develop a relationship where ever we were he found a reason for me to end it. He didn't want me to develop any type of support so that I would stay depended on him.
We don't think about the families and the hurt that they go through. The helplessness that they feel. You see no one could help me until I was ready to help myself. It hurts when I think about all the pain that I put my family through. Only a few of my friendship survived and I can't blame those that did not. You see I just up and left with out a phone call. William made me believe that we needed to move to start over. We needed to go so that nobody else could interfere in our relationship, because you see it was all their fault the problems we were having. I was also pregnant with his child and I wanted to badly to prove everyone wrong, that I could change him. I wanted a family just like everyone else had. We sold what we could and packed the car with what it would hold. We left out late one night and that was that. I was half way across the United States when my family found out where I was.
Three years I was away from them and it's true that you don't know what you have it it's gone. I love my family more than anything and I'm so very sorry for all the hurt and disappointment that I caused them. I know that I will never be able to take back those years all I can do is the right thing now. It's really only been totally over for 3 years now and it's taken every minute of those years to regain those relationships. I have a sister......I can say that. I love my sister and I so look up to her as a woman and mother. I have a brother, who until recently I didn't think would ever forgive me. Now I can't speak for him I don't know that he has forgiven me but I feel that we finally have the type of relationship that I've always wanted. I love my brother. I have a father and I once again feel like his daughter. I feel like he can finally be proud of me, which is all I ever wanted. Then there is my mom. What can I say about her except that she is my rock. She never gave up on me and she never let me give up on myself. She has learned along with myself to give up some control. I know as a mother she wanted to save me, she wanted to fix it and she has allowed me to take control of my own life. I can't say much more than that because at this point i am a blubbering idiot.
My family is my foundation and they always have been, I just never realized it before. It took me a lot of time but I finally feel like an important member of this family. I will never again let anyone or anything take them away from me.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

For the children


How many times have we heard this? I can't tell you how many times I said it to other and to myself. I continue to hear it from other women I talk to about their situations their in. When asked why do you stay or why did you stay one of the most common answers is because of the children. I said it and it is only now that I realize that not only was that not a good reason it was one of the worst reason why I stayed. We don't realize that while were in it that staying is not good for the children and is doing more harm than good to them. I actually had a judge tell me in the courtroom in front of William that my children were better off not having a father than to have one that could not control his anger. He saw it, everyone else saw it but I could not to see it.
You see when I met William I was looking for a father figure for my son. His dad was not in the picture at the time and I thought he needed a male role model. Sure it is important for a child to have his father in his life and I'm not trying to down play that but I just wish I had know then that I could be everything my son needed.
When I think back to all the internal scars he has left in my children I get so very angry. When he told my son that I didn't even know who is father was. When he told him that even his own father didn't want him. I know he said these things to him to hurt me and there is no worse pain then when someone hurts our children. I will never know how these things have impacted my son's life. How seeing his mother bruised and beaten on the floor scared him. All I can do now is try to make it better try to make sure that he never has to go through those kinds of things again. I don't know if I'm making things better or if I'm making the right decisions now all I can do is pray that I am.
Then you have my beautiful daughters. To look at them you would never know the things they have seen and witnessed. I'm thankful that most of the really bad stuff they will never remember as they were just to young. I actually thought that they needed their father in their lives that even if he was not a good role model that the fact was he was their father and they needed him good or bad. WRONG! I always thought that he was doing this to me. That he was hurting me not them, that is the way I looked at it. He was a good father, he never hit them. WRONG! Even to this day my daughter associates a white daddy with being a good daddy because that is what they have seen in my family. I try to teach them that this is not true that not every black man is bad but the truth is I didn't instill this in her....HE did!
This day I will never forget. It was March 2004 I was working for a temp agency when I got a phone call that Kiah was running a fever at daycare. William was not working and I knew he was supposed to be at home all day. I tried several times to reach him by phone each and every time the call went straight to voice mail. We had one vehicle which he always had possession of and I was not allowed to drive. After an hour of not being able to reach him I left work and got on a bus to go get Kiah from daycare. Those of you that know how public transportation is here in Wichita will understand how long it takes to get to any one destination. It took me another good 45min to an hour to reach the daycare. You also know that they cannot give your child medicine at the daycare so at this point Kiah had been running a fever of about 102 for over 2 hours. Once I reached the daycare I tried again and again to reach him by phone leaving messages but no answer. I had no money and therefore had to walk with my daughter to the nearest bus stop and board the bus back to my home. This took another hour and a half and I also had to walk 4 blocks with her in my arms to the house.
When I reached my home I found the dead bolt locked which I had no key to which also meant that someone was in side. I knocked and knocked with no answer and was about to walk around to the back of the house when our car pulled up in the driveway with some strange man and woman driving it. They informed me William was inside the house and it was only when they came up to the door did he open it. I walked inside my home to find about 6 people whom I had never seen before all sitting in my living room. I walked straight into my bedroom and laid Kiah on the bed. William came into the room and began to badger me as to why I was home and not at work. He didn't believe that Kiah was sick and thought I was just trying to check up on him. When he refused to make everyone leave out our home I picked up the phone and called 911. I then proceeded out into the living room and informed everyone that I had called the police and they were on their way. I had never seen people scatter so fast in my entire life. I knew they were doing drugs in my house and I knew that the police was the last thing they wanted to see. When the police showed up I told him what had happened and also told him about how a few nights earlier William had grabbed and thrown me off our bed. Since I still had marks on my arms the police tracked him down about a block away from our house and arrested him. When they brought him back to the house to confirm that this was my husband I asked that they give me the keys to the car which he had in his pocket so that I could get my daughter some medicine. Since the keys were in his possession they asked him if I could have them. He chose instead to give them to one of the crackheads that had been in my house. It was then that I realized that he would always choose the drugs over everything else including his children.
When I was able to get back to my daughter I found that she now had over 104 degree temperature. Thank god the police officer was nice enough to take me to the nearest store and bought me some Tylenol. He didn't have to do that and I am so very thankful to him for that. I still had to figure out how I was gonna get my other two from daycare that day back to the house and luckily within a few hours I was able to get a hold of a friend who had her son take me. I could not believe how he could do that to us, to his daughter. Kiah recovered within a few hours from her fever but things could of turned out much worse. It only took me a few more months before I left this time for good, or at least I thought.
That was just one of many times that I put my children in harms way by being with him. It was my fault and I own that and no matter what the reason was for me being there I was wrong.
He doesn't see the scars he does not witness their hurt. I do, I was there when they woke up with nightmares. I was there when they could not sleep in their own rooms for over 3 months. I was the one who saw the looks on their faces when they thought someone was at the door. I found my daughter one day crying in her room and when I asked her what was wrong she said to me...."I wish I wasn't pretty anymore!" I kinda chuckled and said why, why would you wish that. She replied to me..."Then you and Daddy would not fight over me." "If I wasn't pretty then you wouldn't fight!" He will never know the pain that WE caused in their life. I see it! I feel it! I deal with it! I love my children more than anything in this world and I be damned if I EVER let them hurt like that again. I'm sorry and I've asked for forgiveness and I'm trying very hard to do right by them now.
So for those of you that stay for the children............DON'T. There is no better way to put it.........DON'T. My best advise is to leave ......leave for the children.

Friday, February 5, 2010

What did I do wrong???


It's hard to explain the torment that goes on when your living in an abusive home. Sure there were good times, when he would hold me or do something special just for me but those times were few and far in between. The whole time your just holding your breath waiting for it to come and you know it's gonna come. You try to prepare yourself for it but the truth is you never can. It always felt like someone was sitting on my chest....it was hard to breath, hard to relax ever. You are going back over everything you did for the whole day in your mind trying to make sure you didn't slip up somewhere. "How much time did it take me to walk from the bus stop to the house?" "Did I buy the right cut of chicken for dinner?" "Am I wearing to much make up?" "Did I look at anybody wrong?" I know it sounds crazy and you begin to make yourself a little crazy. I've had to retrain myself that it is ok to look someone in the eye when they talk to me. I would never had done that with William around because he would think I was flirting with them. I can remember being at a family gathering with him (his family)and all of us having such a great time. We were laughing and drinking and I had let my guard down because we were having such a good time. We left the party and as soon as we got in the elevator I could tell something was wrong. His demeanor changed, it was if he was boiling inside and I could not figure out why. The whole way home I am going over the whole night in my head trying to figure out what I had did wrong. He was silent all the way home. I put the kids in bed and I went into the bathroom to get ready for bed when all of the sudden I has hit in the back of the head. I fell to the floor where he started to kick me. He started yelling...."So you wanna fuck my brother?" "You let him touch you? You smiled at him?" All I could do was curl up in the fetal position and protect myself the best I could till he finished. Soon enough he left as I lay on the floor crying and just holding myself. Where did I go wrong???? I had no idea what he was talking about. I don't know what I did, but it didn't matter he saw what he saw and there was no telling him otherwise. There never was any telling him different. He was right......he was always right.
He would interrogate me for hours trying to get me to admit to whatever it was. William would disappear for days at a time and I always knew when he came back home I would have hell to pay. When he would finally come home it was always the same thing. He would starting going through the house, apartment or room depending on where we were living at the time like he was looking for something. He would question the kids to find out who had been in the house or where we had been while he was gone. When they would not give him the answers he was looking for he would turn to me. I remember him cornering me in the kids bedroom one time. I sat curled up in a ball which was my usual position early on. He would ask me a question and if I didn't give him the answer he wanted he would attack me. Hit, kick what ever he felt like doing. After hours of this going on I tried to leave the room and he was not having it. He wanted me to admit that his father had been to our apartment while he was gone. What was crazy was his father was not even in the country at the time but he was certain he had been to our apartment. I was telling the truth I didn't know what else to do to make him stop so I tried to leave the room. That's when he jumped on me pulling me to the ground. He was on top of me with his hands around my throat....Yelling.....TELL ME HE WAS HERE......MY FATHER WAS HERE YOU SLUT!!!!! I remember the room started to close in on me. Everything was fading to black.....he was going to kill me.....I was going to stop breathing and would never wake up. No one would ever know....he would be left with my children and no one would know he killed me. I was astranged from my family, I had no friends, no one would come looking for me. I WAS GOING TO DIE!
I started shaking me head yes. YES HE WAS HERE! I said it...I said what he wanted me to say. I made up some story and that was that....he left me alone. It was at that point that I learned that I just needed to tell him what he wanted to hear in order to survive. No matter how terrible or disgusting it was if I just agreed with whatever he wanted me to admit to I could live to see another day. The whole time William and I were together I never once looked at another or cheated, but according to him I slept with everyone from to all his family members to anyone he ever worked with to people I had never even met. Hell the reason's he beat me were from one extreme to the other. There was no rhyme or reason to it....it just happened!

Monday, January 25, 2010

WHYs

When I talk about the things I went through while in my abusive relationship with people in my life now I find myself still trying to justify why. Why I stayed, why I didn't leave, why I kept going back, why I didn't tell anybody. Sure most of the questions are by people who have no experience with domestic violence, but none the less these questions are still hard to answer to this day. It all goes back to the fact that the victim feels like it was us that did something wrong, that we are getting punished for his actions even after were out. I think that is why a lot of people choose not to talk about it. They choose to hide it away like a deep dark secret that you just don't talk about. Then there are people like me who talk about it maybe way to much for some people's liking. I know that it may seem that I'm proud of what I went through but I don't know if proud is the right word. It's more that I'm proud of who I am today and where I am in my life. I understand why it's hard for people to understand they WHYs of why victims stay. I'm not quite sure that I understand them but then it's easier for me to say that now that I'm out. I currently have friends that are in abusive relationships and it's hard for me to wrap my mind around why they stay.
I know how hypocritical that sounds of me. Me the girl that went back more times then I can even count on two hands. The girl that explained away all his behaviors and bruises to family and friends. I am the girl who stayed.......stayed for way to many years. I have to allow myself to go back to the person I was while I was i it to understand why they are staying. When she talks I realize those are his words and not hers. He is in control of everything she does and I have to understand and continue to be there for her no matter what. If you were to read any article on domestic violence they will list all the reasons that women stay or go back. Tear away the layers of the WHYs and what it comes down to is that we just want what everyone else wants. We want to be happy. We want a family, we don't wanna be wrong about him, we don't want to be alone and we believe that our love can change him. We don't go back because of the wrong that's within us but the good.
William tore down myself esteem. He constantly reminded me that I was a bad mother and no man would ever want someone with three kids. He controlled EVERYTHING from when I slept to when we ate. I finally realized that if I left nothing would be any different except that I would now be in control of my life. I was already broke and raising three kids on my own.
People who are not in abusive relationship will never be able to fully understand the reason's why I now know that. I often compare it to a drug addict. Our abusers are our drug and they have a hold over us that is just hard to explain. Even to this day I'm afraid to have contact with my ex. Im not afraid of what he might do to me physically but just like an addict he will always have a pull over me. As time goes by I fell stronger and strong and I can tell you "I will never go back to him!" However I don't want to risk it at all. I'm safer just being away.