Friday, March 19, 2010


You know I've been thinking a lot lately about the people that I have in my life now. About my family and just everything that god has give and taken away from me. People think that domestic violence is something that happens to one person, the victim. Sure we realize that the children are affected but what we miss to see a lot of the time is the bigger picture. Abuse not only affects the victim and her children but it has a huge affect on her family, friends and everyone around her. Domestic violence is about so much more than just victim. The abuse took so much from me, my self esteem, self worth, pride, home, my family and any friends that I had. I know I've said it before but domestic violence is so much like drug abuse if that makes it any easier to understand. William was my drug. I was addicted to him. I felt like I could not live without him. William took my self esteem and self worth away from me. The control he had over me was like a drug. He made me believe that the people in my life didn't want what was best for me. He lead me to believe that they were jealous of our relationship. That all they wanted to do was break us up. So I in return started to push them away...anyone and everyone that ever cared about me. Anytime I would start to develop a relationship where ever we were he found a reason for me to end it. He didn't want me to develop any type of support so that I would stay depended on him.
We don't think about the families and the hurt that they go through. The helplessness that they feel. You see no one could help me until I was ready to help myself. It hurts when I think about all the pain that I put my family through. Only a few of my friendship survived and I can't blame those that did not. You see I just up and left with out a phone call. William made me believe that we needed to move to start over. We needed to go so that nobody else could interfere in our relationship, because you see it was all their fault the problems we were having. I was also pregnant with his child and I wanted to badly to prove everyone wrong, that I could change him. I wanted a family just like everyone else had. We sold what we could and packed the car with what it would hold. We left out late one night and that was that. I was half way across the United States when my family found out where I was.
Three years I was away from them and it's true that you don't know what you have it it's gone. I love my family more than anything and I'm so very sorry for all the hurt and disappointment that I caused them. I know that I will never be able to take back those years all I can do is the right thing now. It's really only been totally over for 3 years now and it's taken every minute of those years to regain those relationships. I have a sister......I can say that. I love my sister and I so look up to her as a woman and mother. I have a brother, who until recently I didn't think would ever forgive me. Now I can't speak for him I don't know that he has forgiven me but I feel that we finally have the type of relationship that I've always wanted. I love my brother. I have a father and I once again feel like his daughter. I feel like he can finally be proud of me, which is all I ever wanted. Then there is my mom. What can I say about her except that she is my rock. She never gave up on me and she never let me give up on myself. She has learned along with myself to give up some control. I know as a mother she wanted to save me, she wanted to fix it and she has allowed me to take control of my own life. I can't say much more than that because at this point i am a blubbering idiot.
My family is my foundation and they always have been, I just never realized it before. It took me a lot of time but I finally feel like an important member of this family. I will never again let anyone or anything take them away from me.