Thursday, April 22, 2010

Sleep Through The Pain

I wasn't going to do this but I need to. I need to let it go....I need to get it out. This Blog entry is different. Different in the aspect that all of the past entries I have written about past events and the way things were. Well here I am in the present. I am present in this moment in this time in this place. My abuser was released from jail a few weeks ago. He is out. He is walking the same streets I am walking. He is looking at the same sky that I look at everyday and I am forced to deal with how I feel about that. I share my emotions pretty well here on my blog but in real life in face to face conversation I have to the the strong one. I HAVE to be the confident one. I can handle this just fine! He is out, so what! I really love it when people try to tell me how I am supposed to feel or how I should handle this situation. Nothing make me more angry because they were not there, they didn't look into his eyes to see nothing, no soul no heart no conscience. They didn't hear the empty threats that I took VERY seriously.
So how DO I FEEL? Truth is I am VERY upset, sick to my stomach and once again waiting for the ball to drop. I'm not scared of him, but I know that it is just a matter of time before we come face to face. It's gonna happen and until it does I feel like someone is sitting on my chest. It's hard to breath.......I've been here before this place is very familiar to me. You have no idea what the last 3 years have meant to me. I was able to BREATH.....I was able to EXHALE! I was able to live my life again without limits the world was mine to discover with a freedom I didn't have for so many years.
People try to tell me about his intentions and how he has changed but I say BULLSHIT! I say that will not happen in 3 years, 6 years or even 10 years. Everyone is SAVED when they come out of jail. You know how many times I fell for that line. How many times I took him back......How many times I picked him up from the jail to hear all the promises? Promises are empty! His words are Empty to me. I HATE HIM! I DO NOT FORGIVE HIM and DONT TELL ME I SHOULD! DON'T you DARE tell me how to feel or what to do with this!
I feel threatened! I feel scared for my children! Yes I do. I'm pretty up front with my kids and we discuss almost everything so yes I told them he was out so that we could talk about it so they could work their feelings out about how this made them feel. I wasn't going to wait till the just popped up and let them be surprised. A few night ago Kiah came to be a little after bed time and said "Mommy I can't sleep because I'm scared." I told her there was nothing to be scared of and to go back to bed. She then said "You want to know what I'm scared of?" So I entertained her and asked. "I'm scared that Daddy is gonna come to my window." Now I realized that she was not just trying to get out of going to bed I sat down with her and explained that he would not do that. He does not want you hurt or scare you. You do not have to worry about that. Daddy is not going to hurt you. She then looked at me and said "What about you? What if he wants to hurt you?" After a long pause and a very deep breath I told her to not worry that we are safe....we are all safe here. Kissed her goodnight and left the room before she could see the tears start to fall.
I will get through this just like I have everything else and I will come out ok and my children will come out ok because I have an angel that watches over me. My angle carried me for many years. She then walked beside me until recently and now she walks behind me in case I should fall she will be there to catch me. Now it is always there.....even when I sleep it is there. So now I sleep through the pain until I wake up and this nightmare is over.