Friday, June 18, 2010

3 Years and counting

The day is coming up......the day it was finally ended. It ended my nightmare or so I thought. Truth is the nightmare was not over, it was just the beginning of a long hard journey back. Back to me back to some sort of normality in my life. July 4, 2007. I guess because it falls on a holiday I will never forget that date. I had let him back into our lives yet once again. It didn't take long before he started screwing up again and making my life hell. Soon he started to disappear for days and I knew it would not be long before it would end again. We would fight and I would kick him out. That is they way I thought it would go. Up to this point he had not laid a hand on me in over 2 years. Well that streak would end on this early July 4th morning. He had been gone and unreachable for two days when he returned to my home at about 3am in the morning. I remember hearing him come into the house......lights came on and I barely got the chance to sit up when he grabbed me by my hair and pulled me out the bed to the floor and down the hallway. Like he was a caveman or something. My daughters slept downstairs that night and my son just happened to be in the room next to mine. At least William had enough sense to close the bedroom door where he was. So at least he didn't see what was happening. I pried myself from him grasp and ran back to my room and positioned myself in the corner of the room on the floor. Here I was ........ once again in my fetal position that I knew all to well. TWO YEARS.....TWO YEARS ...... How after so long was I right back here?? I had came so far and it took a blink of an eye to be right back there....back in it.
William came back and forth to the room each time either kicking or hitting me in the head. At one point I was able to look at him in his eyes.....he was not there. He was yelling about something that absolutely no sense to me. Then again it never did when he went off. He was high, drunk you name it. He was no longer William. That is when something inside of me snapped. He was gonna kill me. That is all that I thought to myself.....He is gonna kill me and not even know he did it.
I immediately started to think of ways to get out of there to get help....that was all that was running through my mind. Where is my phone? I gotta get to my phone!! I remembered for some reason I had plugged it in to the charger in the kitchen. The next time he came into the room I decided to follow him when he left the room. The whole time I'm trying to talk to him trying to calm him down. I knew that I couldn't do it but it was a distraction from what my real motive was. To get to my phone. I was able to grab my phone and run to my room and I dialed 911 just as he jumped on my back grabbed the phone and broke it in half. After a few more blows to my head he left the room once again and I scampered on the bottom of my closet. MAYBE the call went through.....Maybe they will try to call back and just send an officer out to check it out.....Maybe I can just wait it out till they come.....they will come......wont they?
Truth was they were not coming If I waited they would find me dead. What now .... what can I do now. Across the room I saw the keys to the house that must have falled out his pocket during one of his attacks. On the key ring was the house alarm remote. New plan......I had to time it just right or he would stop me. I took a couple more attacks then just as he left the room I grabbed the keys and ran across the hall to the bedroom where my son was. Closed the door and positioned myself between the wall and the door to hold it shut. I pushed the key remote alarm and set the house alarm. I started yelling to my son "OPEN THE WINDOW.......OPEN THE WINDOW!!! NOWWWW! At this point William is breaking through the door and my foot has gone through the wall. He is yelling at my son to not open it. Luckily my son opened the window which automatically set off the house alarm. William continued to try and break through the door. I was afraid for my son...what if William got to him. Did I just put him in Danger. I yelled for my son to bust out the screen......"GO OUT THE WINDOW.....GO GO GET HELP! My son went out the window.
William stopped coming through the door and I heard the house phone ring. I knew he had to answer it or the police were gonna come. I ran out the room and waited for him to answer the phone at which point I started to scream. After I was sure they heard me I ran out the back door to find my son and get help. We knocked and pounded on neighbors door and in my neighborhood you just don't answer you door late at night. So no one came to the door. William knew the police was coming so as my son and I watched from across the street he got in the car and left.

I wish I could say it ended there but that was not the end of it, but the worst of it was over. He was out of our lives and has been out of our lives for the last 3 years. I was left to once again pick up the pieces to rebuild a home where my children might once again feel safe and secure. Sure it took time but we have done just that. Once again the anniversary of that date is upon us and I can't help but relive that night. It gets easier and easier each year and I am starting to look at this date as a beginning and not and ending.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Moving On….???

Moving on……………..What do those words really mean. Sure you fall down you get back up and keep going. One step forward and two steps back. Does moving on mean leaving things behind or do you carry them with you? Can you really leave the past in the past or is it forever a part of who you are? I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons. Or have I? Who really knows exactly what we need to do to move on? Am I finally content with a past I regret? I feel that I am at peace with myself and who I am or am I just tricking myself into thinking that. I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long. I'm ready to move on. I've moved on or at least I think that I am. As far as my everyday life I am good. I am content with who I am and how I am raising my kids. The part of my life that I'm not really sure about is relationships. Relationships with men. I keep telling myself I'm ready but at the same time the thought of a serious relationship scares the crap out of me. I don't know if I can fully let my guard down to trust someone and not question their every motive. I like the idea of falling in love but up to this point I'm just getting up to falling into extreme like. Besides those words still echo in my head…."Who is gonna want you? Your fat and have three kids. Nobody wants someone with three kids!! You will never have another man around MY children!!"

I know that those things are not true but the thoughts are there I still hear those words that were said and yelled at me over and over and over again. Being in an abusive relationship is kinda like being brain washed. Once you are out of it you have to retrain your mind to what the truth really is and even though we retrain our minds the old "JUNK" as I like to call it, is still there, still haunting us. It's all about what we choose to listen to and believe. Sure on the good days it's easy to look at myself in the mirror and say "Your beautiful and any man would be LUCKY to have you in their life." On the not so good days ….. well you get my point. So they say that healing takes time. Ok well how much time exactly because that whole statement is pretty vague and I do better with exact terms Problem with that is there is never an exact answer.

Below are some things that I came across in my reading that I felt were somewhat helpful.

Remember that moving on is the end goal – Expressing your feelings will liberate you in a way, but it is important not to dwell on the negative feelings or to over-analyze the situation. Getting stuck in hurtful feelings like blame, anger and resentment will rob you of valuable energy and prevent you from healing and moving forward.

Remind yourself that you still have a future. When you commit to another person, you create many hopes and dreams. It's hard to let these dreams go. As you grieve the loss of the future you once envisioned, be encouraged by the fact that new hopes and dreams will eventually replace your old ones.

So what I take away from this is moving on is what is needed to grow and moving on means leaving the past in the past and refocusing on my future. So what is in my future? Who knows? I do know that I am ok with me. I am ok with the person that I am. I believe that I can and will be ok without having a man in my life. Now whether or not someone else will be ok with the person that I am….well that is yet to be determined. I have to worry about my happiness and if something does not make me happy then I HAVE to cut it out of my life. I've wasted to many years in negativity and loss. I have a future and I guess not knowing what that future holds is scary. Hell I know I'm not any different from anyone else. I guess I just like knowing that there is someone out there for me. There is someone that can accept me and my children and also accept the baggage that comes with being in a relationship with me. I know I have a lot to give and I know it's not all good. Guess everyone carries their own baggage, just feel like sometimes mine is a little heavier than I'd like it to be. So the answer to my original question is Yes I guess so. I guess I am moving on. I am doing what is needed of myself to move on to move past the hurt and resentment. I am not sure whether or not three years is enough time or not but then I guess it's an ongoing process and everyday is another pebble in the sand.