Moving on……………..What do those words really mean. Sure you fall down you get back up and keep going. One step forward and two steps back. Does moving on mean leaving things behind or do you carry them with you? Can you really leave the past in the past or is it forever a part of who you are? I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons. Or have I? Who really knows exactly what we need to do to move on? Am I finally content with a past I regret? I feel that I am at peace with myself and who I am or am I just tricking myself into thinking that. I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long. I'm ready to move on. I've moved on or at least I think that I am. As far as my everyday life I am good. I am content with who I am and how I am raising my kids. The part of my life that I'm not really sure about is relationships. Relationships with men. I keep telling myself I'm ready but at the same time the thought of a serious relationship scares the crap out of me. I don't know if I can fully let my guard down to trust someone and not question their every motive. I like the idea of falling in love but up to this point I'm just getting up to falling into extreme like. Besides those words still echo in my head…."Who is gonna want you? Your fat and have three kids. Nobody wants someone with three kids!! You will never have another man around MY children!!"
I know that those things are not true but the thoughts are there I still hear those words that were said and yelled at me over and over and over again. Being in an abusive relationship is kinda like being brain washed. Once you are out of it you have to retrain your mind to what the truth really is and even though we retrain our minds the old "JUNK" as I like to call it, is still there, still haunting us. It's all about what we choose to listen to and believe. Sure on the good days it's easy to look at myself in the mirror and say "Your beautiful and any man would be LUCKY to have you in their life." On the not so good days ….. well you get my point. So they say that healing takes time. Ok well how much time exactly because that whole statement is pretty vague and I do better with exact terms Problem with that is there is never an exact answer.
Below are some things that I came across in my reading that I felt were somewhat helpful.
Remember that moving on is the end goal – Expressing your feelings will liberate you in a way, but it is important not to dwell on the negative feelings or to over-analyze the situation. Getting stuck in hurtful feelings like blame, anger and resentment will rob you of valuable energy and prevent you from healing and moving forward.
Remind yourself that you still have a future. When you commit to another person, you create many hopes and dreams. It's hard to let these dreams go. As you grieve the loss of the future you once envisioned, be encouraged by the fact that new hopes and dreams will eventually replace your old ones.
So what I take away from this is moving on is what is needed to grow and moving on means leaving the past in the past and refocusing on my future. So what is in my future? Who knows? I do know that I am ok with me. I am ok with the person that I am. I believe that I can and will be ok without having a man in my life. Now whether or not someone else will be ok with the person that I am….well that is yet to be determined. I have to worry about my happiness and if something does not make me happy then I HAVE to cut it out of my life. I've wasted to many years in negativity and loss. I have a future and I guess not knowing what that future holds is scary. Hell I know I'm not any different from anyone else. I guess I just like knowing that there is someone out there for me. There is someone that can accept me and my children and also accept the baggage that comes with being in a relationship with me. I know I have a lot to give and I know it's not all good. Guess everyone carries their own baggage, just feel like sometimes mine is a little heavier than I'd like it to be. So the answer to my original question is Yes I guess so. I guess I am moving on. I am doing what is needed of myself to move on to move past the hurt and resentment. I am not sure whether or not three years is enough time or not but then I guess it's an ongoing process and everyday is another pebble in the sand.