Thursday, March 7, 2013

Living.......

So this past weekend I got a little inspiration from a few friends to keep writing in my blog.  I guess I have not written in awhile because I think I have pretty much told my story, but as my friends made me realize that my story is not over.  I've shared a lot about my past with my ex husband and I know that my story has reached a lot of people which is exactly what I wanted to accomplish with this.  I wanted women to read my story and know that they were not alone in their struggles that we are never alone.  That feeling of isolation and "Being Alone" is one of the most powerful emotions I felt during those years.  Even though we may not physically be alone we still feel isolated in the fact that no one could ever understand what we are going through.  I knew it would take a lot of years to heal but I never thought that I would feel about my past the way I do today.  I used to carry my past like a scar.  Something I would look at ....... something that would never go away.......and I would feel sad about that scar.  At some point I can't tell you when or how it happened but I actually look at my past with dignity and I carry it as a badge of honor no longer a scar.  I realize that what I went through although as painful as it was made me stronger and a better person today.  It might sound sadistic to some but I'm proud of how I have come out of that situation.  I have no problem talking about the things that happened to me and I sometimes feel that it makes other people more uncomfortable than it does me.  I often joke about the fact that I have such a poor memory and contribute it to being hit in the head one to many times.  Yes I know that it is no joke what I went through but after so many years of the "Whoa Poor Me" story telling I just feel that making lite of it today helps keep me out of that state of mind.  I no longer feel like that poor, sad, hopeless girl that I was so identifying with those emotions is becoming harder for me.  I guess it is true that time does heal all wounds.  
I wish I could tell you the magic cure that got me to this place but I'm not exactly sure.  I have the most wonderful and loving family.  They have played a big part in my healing.  I have a  support system that is filled with people I know I can turn to whenever I need without judgement.  Knowing that I can and may stumble and fall is ok because I know they will be there for me.  I have true friends that believe in me and have never left my side.  Then there are my children whom are the most wonderful human beings on this planet.  They continue to give me support and courage to get through every struggle.  Their unconditional love can take me through any storm.  Lastly I would say that giving my story a voice has helped tremendously.  Being able to talk about what I went through and to have my story heard has helped me to heal.  Knowing that I don't have to hold onto this burden and can let it go has lifted a weight from my shoulders.  My past no longer holds me back or slows me down but pushes me forward in life.  I want to thank each and everyone of you that reads my blog.....you have helped me.  I owe you my deepest gratitude.