Tuesday, May 10, 2011


OK, I have no idea how long this post is gonna be but I have this overwhelming urge to write it down to get it out of my head so that maybe just maybe I can go to sleep.  So here I am 11:30 at night in my pj's at my computer writing.  I'm not sure what it is I need to write but it's there it's wanting to come out but I'm a little bit afraid of speaking it out loud.  When I speak it then it's there and everyone knows it and if I don't do it or live up the the expectation then have I failed?  Have I failed myself because I didn't do what I said I so badly want to do?  This leads me to one of my biggest fears.....and oddly enough I really didn't realize it till today.  It's funny how after so many years we can see clearly what has been there all along.  I am AFRAID of disappointment!  I'm afraid of disappointing my family.  I'm afraid of disappointing my friends.  I'm afraid of disappointing my co workers.  I'm afraid of disappointing my kids, but most of all I'm afraid of disappointing myself. 
I have gotten kinda of comfortable in these last few years and really have not set any new goals for my life.  I kinda felt like I was at a standstill in my life and it occurred to me that maybe this is it.  Maybe this is my life, maybe "THIS" is where I am going to spend the rest of my life.  Not that "This" is a bad place, it's a place I can be comfortable and content in and not have to worry about disappointing anyone.  I had a feeling that I wanted more, but was not quite sure what that more was.  I didn't know anything else that I wanted to do with my life so therefore I started to think maybe the more that I wanted was not for me but for my kids.  So that is when I started dreaming for their lives.  Now I don't know if I'm the only mother that does this or if this is normal but I started to imagine all the things my kids were going to accomplish as they got older. I started to get excited for their lives.  I think this is all well and good but the truth is I stopped dreaming for myself.  I even had this very same conversation the other day with a friend and I remember my exact words.  I said "I don't really have any dreams for my life.  All the dreams I have are for my children's lives."  Now I don't know why that didn't strike me then that something is wrong here and he didn't say anything either but it was not until tonight that I'm like.....No that's NOT a good thing Nicole.  I stopped looking beyond where I am today to the possibilities of MY future.  Where I am in my life right now is a Safe place for me.  Now what I mean by safe place is that I know the people around me are proud and supportive of my life.  People who meet me and learn my story and proud of where I am today.  Therefore if I don't try to move out of this spot then I don't have to worry about failing or Disappointing anyone.  (Pause deep breath.......the tears start to fall).
The truth is I do have a dream for my life beyond where I am today but somewhere along the way I have sort of pushed it way back and it got all covered up by everything else I was doing.  It got covered up by the self doubt, by the disbelief that "I" could ever pull it off.  It got covered up for the fear of not knowing what to do and falling flat on my face.  Lately it has been slowly peeking it's head through all that debris I've covered it up with.  There have been little signs in my life that have lit the flame once again.  Slowly but surely I am starting to dream again.  I have started to imagine what this dream could mean for my life.  I started to vision myself living this dream.  This does not mean that I quit dreaming for my kids it just means that now I am dreaming with them.  I know they will accomplish their own dreams.....not the dreams that I have for them but the dreams they see for their lives.  If they fail I will not love them any less and I have to believe that those people in my life that truly love me will not be disappointed if I don't..............(no not even going to say it)  This brings to mind a quote that I hear quite often but until now have never applied it to my life.

There is no failure except in no longer trying.