Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Today........Tomorrow..........Everyday After...........

I felt compelled to write this blog on my way into work this morning.  All this month I have focused a lot on Domestic Violence Awareness and I hope that some of my post on Face book actually educated some people on the issue.  I know there is still a large population that thinks it is not a big deal.  It's not like having Cancer......people who get cancer don't have a choice on weather or not the get sick.  I hear that a lot and I totally agree.  I in no way shape or form compare being a victim of domestic violence to getting cancer.  I've also heard people say that women choose to be victims.  Really?  I don't know anyone who would choose to be beaten.....but then that goes back to the uneducated opinion that a lot of people have.  I can't educate the world and I know some people will never understand the mental and emotional isolation that a victim feels.  Blaming and shaming the victim is not the answer but I know that is something that is probably never going to change, but that won't stop me from trying. 

This blog entry is not about domestic violence awareness but about what it is like for me as a survivor today.  I have been out of my situation 7 years now and just writing that I had to take a deep breath.  Seven years seems like a long time and yet it also seems just like yesterday.  People think that just because I'm not in that relationship any longer that it is over for me.  I'm here to tell you that it is not.  As long as he is out there walking the streets it will never be over for me.  Let's be clear I do not live my life in fear.  I can't allow myself to do that.  I have children that need to have a sense of security and normalcy.  I have way more good days then I do bad ones but even though I am not focused on this issue it is always in the back of my mind and some days it just floods my every thought.......like last night.

What I'm about to tell you might come across a little morbid but these are the thoughts that go through my mind.  I think a lot about the "What ifs".  What if he decides he wants to come back and take the girls.  What if he hurts the girls to hurt me.  What if he wants me to know what it feels like to not have them anymore.  What if............!!!!!!

I like to believe that he is not capable of hurting them but how many times have we heard that in the news.....how many victims have said "I didn't think he would ever do that!"  How many stories have I read where the abuser kills the kids to get back at the mothers.  There are to many headlines for me NOT to think that this is a possibility.  As I lay in bed last night I started to think of what I would do if he were to break in.  What if he came with a gun.  What would I be able to do to stop him.  Dial 911?  Grab a knife?  It could all be over in a matter of minutes and I could do nothing about it!  Nothing.  So yes it is at times like that I want to buy a gun.  I feel like I need protection not just for myself but for my children.  Then when it all settles down I am worried about having a gun in my house.  So there I am.  I am still undecided on this issue but more and more everyday I think of getting one. 

I have kept track as much as possible as to the whereabouts of my abuser and thanks to the Internet I have been able to do so.  He continues to be in trouble with the law and I am well aware that he has not changed.  This fact makes me even more afraid for our lives.  When he would go on a binder and use there was no telling what he would do.  So yes here I am 7 years.......7 years and I am not free.  Everyday for the rest of my life I have to look over my shoulder.  Every little noise I hear as I lay in bed at night captures my full attention.  People wonder why I use sleep aids?  I need to be able to sleep soundly otherwise I am on alert all night.  That is what it is like for me today and will be like to me tomorrow.  I try as much as I can to not live in this reality but it's there.  As long he is free I am not.

These are just a couple links to stories that flood our headlines everyday.  This is my reality.



Wednesday, April 30, 2014


 I bet you probably think I feel in a whole somewhere.  I'm sorry and I wish I could tell you that I will be posting more often but with my life and schedule I just don't see that happening.  So what has prompted me to make this entry?  I've had a lot on my mind as of late and while driving into work this morning I felt the need to get it off my chest.  I knew what I had to say was way to long for a Facebook post so here I am to spew my thought on my blog.

There have been some posts on Facebook lately that for some reason have gotten under my skin and they have also made me take a look at myself and question how I treat others.  I like to think that I am a good friend majority of the time.  I've been told by people close to me that sometimes I can be somewhat of a doormat.  Now I am pretty sure I know what the definition  is of a doormat but I looked it up just to make sure.  The first definition I read on Urban dictionary states.....
Somebody who is always walked all over 
This is exactly what I thought a doormat meant and to this I take offense.  I like to think I don't let people do as they please with me.  I know I can be soft spoken and not always speak up for myself, but I also think that when I feel it is really important I do take a stand.  Then I came to this definition also found on Urban Dictionary.

Someone who's really nice, kind, generous and sweet; often also smart and funny. They can be outgoing and extroverted, but still allow certain/most people to walk all over them.
They are dedicated friends and partners, and infallibly there for anyone who needs them with advice, support, money, and expect nothing in return.

Now this is more of how I see myself.  I have friends who are in constant need and usually I always say yes to them but I do it in hopes that if one day I need them they too will be there for me.  With that said I don't like to ask people for help and I actually cringe just thinking about it.  I don't want to feel like I am a burden on anyone and I don't want people thinking I am taking advantage of their friendship.  So when I see or hear people constantly asking for a hand out it kind of pisses me off.  I don't know why I have this reaction and I'm not saying I'm correct in feeling this way but it is just how I feel.  

Don't get me wrong I have spend the majority of my life needing help and taking help from  people who mean the most to me, but I'd like to think that I've grown and learned from my mistakes.  I'm not saying it's wrong to get help from people either but it's those that are always looking for a hook up or for someone else to take care of "THEIR" responsibilities that gets under my skin.  My kids are MY RESPONSIBILITY!  If I sign them up for an activity I expect that I will be the one taking them and picking them up.  If my schedule does not allow for it then ..... I DON'T sign them up.  If I'm traveling out of town I make sure I have a place to stay and not expect others to Hook Me Up.  

I realize I might piss some people off with this post but I don't really care.  Who knows maybe this will make them take a look at themselves......Doubt it.  
I mean I could be totally wrong but I truly believe that you should treat others how you would want to be treated and I like to think I do that. 

Thursday, March 7, 2013


So this past weekend I got a little inspiration from a few friends to keep writing in my blog.  I guess I have not written in awhile because I think I have pretty much told my story, but as my friends made me realize that my story is not over.  I've shared a lot about my past with my ex husband and I know that my story has reached a lot of people which is exactly what I wanted to accomplish with this.  I wanted women to read my story and know that they were not alone in their struggles that we are never alone.  That feeling of isolation and "Being Alone" is one of the most powerful emotions I felt during those years.  Even though we may not physically be alone we still feel isolated in the fact that no one could ever understand what we are going through.  I knew it would take a lot of years to heal but I never thought that I would feel about my past the way I do today.  I used to carry my past like a scar.  Something I would look at ....... something that would never go away.......and I would feel sad about that scar.  At some point I can't tell you when or how it happened but I actually look at my past with dignity and I carry it as a badge of honor no longer a scar.  I realize that what I went through although as painful as it was made me stronger and a better person today.  It might sound sadistic to some but I'm proud of how I have come out of that situation.  I have no problem talking about the things that happened to me and I sometimes feel that it makes other people more uncomfortable than it does me.  I often joke about the fact that I have such a poor memory and contribute it to being hit in the head one to many times.  Yes I know that it is no joke what I went through but after so many years of the "Whoa Poor Me" story telling I just feel that making lite of it today helps keep me out of that state of mind.  I no longer feel like that poor, sad, hopeless girl that I was so identifying with those emotions is becoming harder for me.  I guess it is true that time does heal all wounds.  
I wish I could tell you the magic cure that got me to this place but I'm not exactly sure.  I have the most wonderful and loving family.  They have played a big part in my healing.  I have a  support system that is filled with people I know I can turn to whenever I need without judgement.  Knowing that I can and may stumble and fall is ok because I know they will be there for me.  I have true friends that believe in me and have never left my side.  Then there are my children whom are the most wonderful human beings on this planet.  They continue to give me support and courage to get through every struggle.  Their unconditional love can take me through any storm.  Lastly I would say that giving my story a voice has helped tremendously.  Being able to talk about what I went through and to have my story heard has helped me to heal.  Knowing that I don't have to hold onto this burden and can let it go has lifted a weight from my shoulders.  My past no longer holds me back or slows me down but pushes me forward in life.  I want to thank each and everyone of you that reads my blog.....you have helped me.  I owe you my deepest gratitude. 

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Catholic Charities

This was filmed a few years ago and I am so proud of the story they told.  I am thankful to the people who are in my life and who have contributed to the life I have today.  I am extremely thankful to Catholic Charities because I truly believe that they helped save my life.  I know that what they do is a thankless job and to each and every person who touched my life along they way I owe you my deepest gratitude.  I know every journey begins with one simple step and Catholic Charities helped get me started on this journey.  


(This is a horrible picture ugggg)

Thursday, March 1, 2012

7 Times

Recently in the headlines we have seen a lot about the rumor that Rhianna is back with Chris Brown.  There is a lot of talk and opinions going around about this subject and although I have had my own opinions on the matter I've not said anything till now.  Like with any emotional subject I always think that it is best to give it time and to really think through how you feel before just opening your mouth and spewing out opinions in the heat of the moment.  Over the past few weeks my opinion on this matter has actually changed somewhat and it is only now that I think I have a clear opinion on the whole thing.  I started out as most with just plain disgust and turning my nose up at Rhianna and asking the question like "How could she be so stupid?" and "What message does this send to our younger generation?"  I now realize that I was viewing this subject as an outsider as someone from the general public, someone who has never been in this sort of situation herself.  I understand how I and other people could make these statements and judge her for her actions.
However, now as I am writing this I am looking at Rhianna through the eyes of a survivor.  I understand why and how if the rumor is true that she could go back to Chris.  I know because I am now educated to the issue of domestic violence that the average woman goes back to her abuser 7 times.  7TIMES!!  She is no longer a pop icon in my eyes but a battered woman who is making the choice to return to her abuser.  I don't know if she has had and therapy or counseling after what she went through, but even if she has it does not make it any easier for her.  Just like an alcoholic will always be an alcoholic ...... Rhianna will always be an abused woman.  She will have that weakness when it comes to Chris just as an alcoholic has with alcohol.  I can't tell you exactly what she is thinking but I can make a pretty good guess. You can bet that these are the sort of statements she is saying to herself....."He has not hit me or anyone else in over 3 years!"  "He has taken anger management classes and I know that he can control himself now"  "He is the only man I will ever lover and will ever love me."  "Maybe he is different, maybe our situation is different, maybe he CAN change!"

I know this because I have walked in her shoes......I have spoken will many other women who have stood where she stands and where I have stood.  It is always the same situation all that changes are the names.  I was separated from him for almost 3 years and once again I let him back in my life.  In stead of judging Rhianna I am fearful for her as the situation is never different and I hope for her sake that this is all just that a rumor.

For me it is going on 5 years that I have been out but still to this day I know that I do not and cannot be in the same room with that man.  Someone recently asked me if I saw him again what would I say and my response was....."I'd turn and walk the other way!"

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Still Standing....

I dedicate this to all the women who have been where I have been.....who have stood in my shoes.......who are still struggling to find their way out.  Women are strong a beautiful creatures and we will continue to get back up and push our way through the storm.  Trust me if I can do it you can too.  I love you all....your my inspiration, my drive and you give me courage to keep standing.  Keep your head up! 
Thank You... Amber, Lindsey, Falan, Tiffany, Sarina, Sasha, Luz, Mary, Lalena, Kyichia, Kaci, Jennifer and Felicia.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Dating .....children NOT included!

Not really sure where I am going to go with this post but I have a lot going on in my mind right now so bare with me as I try to explain it in a way that is easy to understand.  There is an issue that has been bothering me for some time but I have chosen not to talk about it as I was afraid to step on some people's toes but it is a topic I feel very compassionate about.  I actually take pride in the fact that I don't really shield my children from the world or sensor to much with them.  Some people would not agree with this approach with parenting but then everyone is entitled to their opinion.  Just like you I have an opinion on raising children and I am about to share that here.  Even though I pride in the non sensor ship that takes place in my home there is one thing that I do continue to shield my children from and that would be my relationships with other men.  I don't agree with and never have agreed with having your children around men that you are casually dating or what ever you call it.  I think we as adults have a hard enough time dealing with the emotional aspects of being in a relationship and asking our children to engage in that is just plain MAD!  I can count on one hand the number of men that I have let into my home and around my children.  One I have known for over 15 years and the other is one of my best friends.  At the same time that these men were around my children they had no idea that I was engaged in a relationship with these men.
I have had this talk with my children and they know that I am dating but they are also aware that they will not be meeting anyone until it gets to be serious and when I say serious I mean months into the relationship.  I would never ask my children to have to deal with the emotions that come along with a broken relationship.  I think we downplay how quickly children can get attached to another man.   This point was made very clear to me just the other night while having what I thought was a playful conversation with my 10 year old daughter.  My daughter asked me if I ever wanted to get married again.  I thought about it and said no probably not and she seemed distressed by this answer.  I jokingly made the statement that she was just upset cuz she wanted to be in a wedding or be a bridesmaid.  She turned her face away from me and when I turned her face back to mine I could see her eyes welling up with tears.  She then made a statment that will be forever engraved in my memory......."I just wanna know what it's like to have a daddy."  With that we both started to cry.  So you can say what you want but I would never "dangle" that dream in front of her without knowing it was a real possibility.
I'm not going to tell other women how to raise their children but I just really wish they would think twice about this one thing as I think it can affect a child for life.  I don't know if my daughter will ever get her wish but I can tell you this that I am not out looking for someone to  fulfill this wish.  I am going to continue to date and if the guy does not meet the qualities I feel are necessary to be a good father then there is no need to go any further with it.  I mean why can't women just date????  Why does every relationship we have with men have to be serious and why does he have to always be "THE ONE!"  I can date and still be a good mother.  A man will not take me away from my children and they will always be my first priority but I am also entitled to my free time.
Ok that is all I have to say on this matter.