Thursday, December 29, 2011

Who am I?

Still trying to find out who I am.....somewhere along the way I lost myself!  To all my sisters out there please know you will never be alone.  This is a path in life we must all take because until we know who we are and love ourselves we can never truly love another.

Thursday, October 6, 2011


Is it normal to question every move .... every decision we make?  I often wonder if I'm ready to be dating?  I wonder if I can handle having a man in my life full time.....if I COULD bring a man into my children lives.  I've been out of my abusive relationship for 3 years and 7 months (yes I'm counting) and I still question if I'm ready....if my children are ready.  Can I allow myself to open up to someone knowing that I might get hurt again?  I sometimes wonder if I can even feel anymore?  It's not that I don't want to because I do...I really do but it just seems like I have no emotion involved in any of it.  At this point it is not even about men tearing down my walls as much as it is about Me tearing down my own walls.

This is exactly what Domestic Violence Looks like!

I remember this first time I saw her story.  She was on an episode of Oprah and when I saw the video of her being abused I started to shake and I think this is the first time I had what most people call a panic attack.  Why?  Because that was me standing in that room, that way me trying to not make any sudden movements or say the wrong things.  That was me with my hands up protecting my face from the blows that I knew were about to come.  It was as if someone was reenacting a scene from my life.  The truth was this was not my story.  We were two totally separate women living separate lives but we were linked by our stories.  Our stories of abuse and our stories of survival.  I have now watched her story more then 20 times and each time it has gotten easier and easier because I know how her story ends and I know how my ends.  Anyone who has no clue what goes on in an abusive home should watch this video because this is REAL. 

Monday, October 3, 2011

Telling Amy's Story | Domestic Violence Documentary Film and Public Service Media Project

This month only in Honor of Domestic Violence Awareness Month you can watch the whole film. It is very powerful and speaks as to what life is like for a women living in abuse.

Friday, September 2, 2011

Raising Hope......

With the Labor day holiday looming I guess Summer is finally coming to an end.  The kids are back in school and Fall sports are beginning.  I can hardly believe how much the kids have grown over this past year.  My son has finally passed me up in height ...... one night he went to bed and the next morning I am looking up at him.  How or when this happened I have no clue.  It seems sometimes that life just has a way of passing us by without us even noticing.  It seems like it was just yesterday I remember walking him to his first day of kindergarten.  I don't know who was more scared him or myself.  This time next year I will be taking him to his first day of high school and I'm sure I will be just as scared as I was his first day of kindergarten.  I realize that they have to grow up and one day each one of them will move away.  (I can only hope)  
I wonder if this whole process is harder for single parents then married couples?  These kids are my whole life and when they are grown and starting their own lives what will I be left with?  I want the world for them and as hard as I'm sure it will be for me I want them to see the world.  I read a quote the other day that said "I want my kids to have everything I could not give them....then I can go live with them!"  LOL  They are already fighting over who I am going to live with when I get really old (50)!  
I've been so blessed to of had these three wonderful human being call me their mother.  I sometimes wonder how I could of been so lucky.  People often compliment me on how well behaved they are and I wonder to myself "Who my kids?  Are you sure your talking about my kids?"  They have their moments and get on my last nerve but then I guess that is normal for any child/parent relationship.  They have been through so much  in their short lives here on earth and I only hope that I have made the right decisions to help them move past that.  I had a conversation just last night with my son.  We were laying in my bed watching a TV show about kids who were getting in trouble and making bad decisions in their lives.  Each of the children had a sad story about something that had happened to them.  Most were from a single parent household and they used the excuse that one of their parents were not there for them.  I looked at my son and said "Everyone has a story......a past......and excuse.  It is up to you to choose what you do with what this world has given you.  You can use it as an excuse to be nothing in life or you can use it to make a difference and be somebody. "  
I really truly believe this that no matter where you come from or what you have been through we are all give the free will of choice.  It is up to us to choose what we want our lives to look like. I pray that my kids will look back on their lives and be happy with the choices they made.  Of course they are gonna make mistakes and that is a part of life but overall I want them to be proud of where they came from and what they have done with their lives.  As for right now I will continue to raise them best way I know how and try to figure out a way to slow down the aging process so that they can stay my babies for just a little longer. 

Tuesday, May 10, 2011


OK, I have no idea how long this post is gonna be but I have this overwhelming urge to write it down to get it out of my head so that maybe just maybe I can go to sleep.  So here I am 11:30 at night in my pj's at my computer writing.  I'm not sure what it is I need to write but it's there it's wanting to come out but I'm a little bit afraid of speaking it out loud.  When I speak it then it's there and everyone knows it and if I don't do it or live up the the expectation then have I failed?  Have I failed myself because I didn't do what I said I so badly want to do?  This leads me to one of my biggest fears.....and oddly enough I really didn't realize it till today.  It's funny how after so many years we can see clearly what has been there all along.  I am AFRAID of disappointment!  I'm afraid of disappointing my family.  I'm afraid of disappointing my friends.  I'm afraid of disappointing my co workers.  I'm afraid of disappointing my kids, but most of all I'm afraid of disappointing myself. 
I have gotten kinda of comfortable in these last few years and really have not set any new goals for my life.  I kinda felt like I was at a standstill in my life and it occurred to me that maybe this is it.  Maybe this is my life, maybe "THIS" is where I am going to spend the rest of my life.  Not that "This" is a bad place, it's a place I can be comfortable and content in and not have to worry about disappointing anyone.  I had a feeling that I wanted more, but was not quite sure what that more was.  I didn't know anything else that I wanted to do with my life so therefore I started to think maybe the more that I wanted was not for me but for my kids.  So that is when I started dreaming for their lives.  Now I don't know if I'm the only mother that does this or if this is normal but I started to imagine all the things my kids were going to accomplish as they got older. I started to get excited for their lives.  I think this is all well and good but the truth is I stopped dreaming for myself.  I even had this very same conversation the other day with a friend and I remember my exact words.  I said "I don't really have any dreams for my life.  All the dreams I have are for my children's lives."  Now I don't know why that didn't strike me then that something is wrong here and he didn't say anything either but it was not until tonight that I'm like.....No that's NOT a good thing Nicole.  I stopped looking beyond where I am today to the possibilities of MY future.  Where I am in my life right now is a Safe place for me.  Now what I mean by safe place is that I know the people around me are proud and supportive of my life.  People who meet me and learn my story and proud of where I am today.  Therefore if I don't try to move out of this spot then I don't have to worry about failing or Disappointing anyone.  (Pause deep breath.......the tears start to fall).
The truth is I do have a dream for my life beyond where I am today but somewhere along the way I have sort of pushed it way back and it got all covered up by everything else I was doing.  It got covered up by the self doubt, by the disbelief that "I" could ever pull it off.  It got covered up for the fear of not knowing what to do and falling flat on my face.  Lately it has been slowly peeking it's head through all that debris I've covered it up with.  There have been little signs in my life that have lit the flame once again.  Slowly but surely I am starting to dream again.  I have started to imagine what this dream could mean for my life.  I started to vision myself living this dream.  This does not mean that I quit dreaming for my kids it just means that now I am dreaming with them.  I know they will accomplish their own dreams.....not the dreams that I have for them but the dreams they see for their lives.  If they fail I will not love them any less and I have to believe that those people in my life that truly love me will not be disappointed if I don't..............(no not even going to say it)  This brings to mind a quote that I hear quite often but until now have never applied it to my life.

There is no failure except in no longer trying.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Sexual Abuse

I have went back and forth over writing this blog entry.  I think I have actually written it now three times and each time I delete it.  It is such a delicate subject and I worry how people will interpret it.  I worry that they will judge me for it and I worry that people will look at my daughter differently.  I worry that one day my daughter will find out and how that might make her feel.  As I have thought about this I have come to the conclusion that just like everything else that I have talked about that this too would not get healed until I talked about it ...... until I choose to release it. 
I have talked about the physical, emotional, economical and verbal abuse that I have went through in my relationship with my ex-husband but the one thing that is hardest to talk about was the sexual abuse.  It is one of the hardest for people not only to talk about but to hear about.  It's hard because this was a man that I loved and trusted.  This was a man that I was married to.  This is the man who fathered my two daughters.  It's hard to talk about because obviously we had sex and majority of the time it was consensual sex.  That is why it is hard to talk about because people question how your husband could sexually abuse could he rape you when you have had consensual sex with him in the past?  Well it is possible and the majority of the time it goes hand in hand with the physical abuse.
I was forced to go through "strip" searches in which he would examine my body for signs that I was cheating.  I was humiliated as he would force me to strip down and then interrogate me about where I had been and who I had been with.  What usually followed these strip searches was intercourse.  Consensual  intercourse?  Well I guess that is in the eye of the beholder.  Did I say no?  Did I fight against him?  In the beginning the answers were Yes.......Yes I said No......Yes I fought against him.  It didn't matter he was gonna take what he wanted and I learned that if I didn't fight it would be over quicker and he would be done with me.
I remember one night in particular we were in a hotel room and he pulled one of his disappearing acts.  He was gone for about 2 days and then showed up one late night.  Without warning he drug me out of the bed I was sleeping in with my son and took me into the bathroom where he forced me to strip down under the bright lights so that he could get a good look at my body.  If I had been sweating (usually my hair or between my legs) that meant that I had been having sex with someone else.  I remembered the tears rolling down my face as he decided that I needed to be "FUCKED" since I was a whore.  When he was done he left me in that bathroom alone to sleep on the cold floor.....because according to him that's what I deserved.  A week later he put me, my son and baby girl on a bus back to my parents.  About 3 weeks later I found out I was pregnant once again.    I was embarrassed and humiliated and there was no way I could tell my family so I once again......pushed them away got back on a bus and went back to him.  I didn't even tell them till months and months later that I was pregnant.
I was recently called by the Oprah Winfrey show about an email I wrote her about a show she did on spousal rape.  I was asked if I would be willing to talk about the fact that my daughter was conceived during one of these instances.  I told her no I was not willing to put my daughter in it because I was afraid of how it may one day make her feel.  I love my daughter very much and my life would never have been whole without her.  There was not a minute that I didn't love or want her.  Some people will not agree with me talking about this now but the fact remains when I hold onto secrets they slowly kill me.  It's not something I am proud of but just like the words to one of my favorite songs "God bless the broken road that lead me to you!"  She is my blessing and I will not look at this any other way.
Women have to be able to talk about all the things they have went through in order to heal and I am a FIRM believer in matter how dirty or ugly these things might be.  Our reality is yes we went through this but look where I am now.......HE didn't win.  I WON!  I have the amazing and beautiful children.  I am happy and my heart is pure.  He can't hurt me anymore.  I'm ready to move on from this even if some people are not ready to hear it....this is my voice and no one will ever again tell me I can't use it.
God Bless and Happy Easter.