Friday, April 22, 2011

Sexual Abuse

I have went back and forth over writing this blog entry.  I think I have actually written it now three times and each time I delete it.  It is such a delicate subject and I worry how people will interpret it.  I worry that they will judge me for it and I worry that people will look at my daughter differently.  I worry that one day my daughter will find out and how that might make her feel.  As I have thought about this I have come to the conclusion that just like everything else that I have talked about that this too would not get healed until I talked about it ...... until I choose to release it. 
I have talked about the physical, emotional, economical and verbal abuse that I have went through in my relationship with my ex-husband but the one thing that is hardest to talk about was the sexual abuse.  It is one of the hardest for people not only to talk about but to hear about.  It's hard because this was a man that I loved and trusted.  This was a man that I was married to.  This is the man who fathered my two daughters.  It's hard to talk about because obviously we had sex and majority of the time it was consensual sex.  That is why it is hard to talk about because people question how your husband could sexually abuse could he rape you when you have had consensual sex with him in the past?  Well it is possible and the majority of the time it goes hand in hand with the physical abuse.
I was forced to go through "strip" searches in which he would examine my body for signs that I was cheating.  I was humiliated as he would force me to strip down and then interrogate me about where I had been and who I had been with.  What usually followed these strip searches was intercourse.  Consensual  intercourse?  Well I guess that is in the eye of the beholder.  Did I say no?  Did I fight against him?  In the beginning the answers were Yes.......Yes I said No......Yes I fought against him.  It didn't matter he was gonna take what he wanted and I learned that if I didn't fight it would be over quicker and he would be done with me.
I remember one night in particular we were in a hotel room and he pulled one of his disappearing acts.  He was gone for about 2 days and then showed up one late night.  Without warning he drug me out of the bed I was sleeping in with my son and took me into the bathroom where he forced me to strip down under the bright lights so that he could get a good look at my body.  If I had been sweating (usually my hair or between my legs) that meant that I had been having sex with someone else.  I remembered the tears rolling down my face as he decided that I needed to be "FUCKED" since I was a whore.  When he was done he left me in that bathroom alone to sleep on the cold floor.....because according to him that's what I deserved.  A week later he put me, my son and baby girl on a bus back to my parents.  About 3 weeks later I found out I was pregnant once again.    I was embarrassed and humiliated and there was no way I could tell my family so I once again......pushed them away got back on a bus and went back to him.  I didn't even tell them till months and months later that I was pregnant.
I was recently called by the Oprah Winfrey show about an email I wrote her about a show she did on spousal rape.  I was asked if I would be willing to talk about the fact that my daughter was conceived during one of these instances.  I told her no I was not willing to put my daughter in it because I was afraid of how it may one day make her feel.  I love my daughter very much and my life would never have been whole without her.  There was not a minute that I didn't love or want her.  Some people will not agree with me talking about this now but the fact remains when I hold onto secrets they slowly kill me.  It's not something I am proud of but just like the words to one of my favorite songs "God bless the broken road that lead me to you!"  She is my blessing and I will not look at this any other way.
Women have to be able to talk about all the things they have went through in order to heal and I am a FIRM believer in matter how dirty or ugly these things might be.  Our reality is yes we went through this but look where I am now.......HE didn't win.  I WON!  I have the amazing and beautiful children.  I am happy and my heart is pure.  He can't hurt me anymore.  I'm ready to move on from this even if some people are not ready to hear it....this is my voice and no one will ever again tell me I can't use it.
God Bless and Happy Easter.

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