Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Today........Tomorrow..........Everyday After...........

I felt compelled to write this blog on my way into work this morning.  All this month I have focused a lot on Domestic Violence Awareness and I hope that some of my post on Face book actually educated some people on the issue.  I know there is still a large population that thinks it is not a big deal.  It's not like having Cancer......people who get cancer don't have a choice on weather or not the get sick.  I hear that a lot and I totally agree.  I in no way shape or form compare being a victim of domestic violence to getting cancer.  I've also heard people say that women choose to be victims.  Really?  I don't know anyone who would choose to be beaten.....but then that goes back to the uneducated opinion that a lot of people have.  I can't educate the world and I know some people will never understand the mental and emotional isolation that a victim feels.  Blaming and shaming the victim is not the answer but I know that is something that is probably never going to change, but that won't stop me from trying. 

This blog entry is not about domestic violence awareness but about what it is like for me as a survivor today.  I have been out of my situation 7 years now and just writing that I had to take a deep breath.  Seven years seems like a long time and yet it also seems just like yesterday.  People think that just because I'm not in that relationship any longer that it is over for me.  I'm here to tell you that it is not.  As long as he is out there walking the streets it will never be over for me.  Let's be clear I do not live my life in fear.  I can't allow myself to do that.  I have children that need to have a sense of security and normalcy.  I have way more good days then I do bad ones but even though I am not focused on this issue it is always in the back of my mind and some days it just floods my every thought.......like last night.

What I'm about to tell you might come across a little morbid but these are the thoughts that go through my mind.  I think a lot about the "What ifs".  What if he decides he wants to come back and take the girls.  What if he hurts the girls to hurt me.  What if he wants me to know what it feels like to not have them anymore.  What if............!!!!!!

I like to believe that he is not capable of hurting them but how many times have we heard that in the news.....how many victims have said "I didn't think he would ever do that!"  How many stories have I read where the abuser kills the kids to get back at the mothers.  There are to many headlines for me NOT to think that this is a possibility.  As I lay in bed last night I started to think of what I would do if he were to break in.  What if he came with a gun.  What would I be able to do to stop him.  Dial 911?  Grab a knife?  It could all be over in a matter of minutes and I could do nothing about it!  Nothing.  So yes it is at times like that I want to buy a gun.  I feel like I need protection not just for myself but for my children.  Then when it all settles down I am worried about having a gun in my house.  So there I am.  I am still undecided on this issue but more and more everyday I think of getting one. 

I have kept track as much as possible as to the whereabouts of my abuser and thanks to the Internet I have been able to do so.  He continues to be in trouble with the law and I am well aware that he has not changed.  This fact makes me even more afraid for our lives.  When he would go on a binder and use there was no telling what he would do.  So yes here I am 7 years.......7 years and I am not free.  Everyday for the rest of my life I have to look over my shoulder.  Every little noise I hear as I lay in bed at night captures my full attention.  People wonder why I use sleep aids?  I need to be able to sleep soundly otherwise I am on alert all night.  That is what it is like for me today and will be like to me tomorrow.  I try as much as I can to not live in this reality but it's there.  As long he is free I am not.

These are just a couple links to stories that flood our headlines everyday.  This is my reality.



Wednesday, April 30, 2014


 I bet you probably think I feel in a whole somewhere.  I'm sorry and I wish I could tell you that I will be posting more often but with my life and schedule I just don't see that happening.  So what has prompted me to make this entry?  I've had a lot on my mind as of late and while driving into work this morning I felt the need to get it off my chest.  I knew what I had to say was way to long for a Facebook post so here I am to spew my thought on my blog.

There have been some posts on Facebook lately that for some reason have gotten under my skin and they have also made me take a look at myself and question how I treat others.  I like to think that I am a good friend majority of the time.  I've been told by people close to me that sometimes I can be somewhat of a doormat.  Now I am pretty sure I know what the definition  is of a doormat but I looked it up just to make sure.  The first definition I read on Urban dictionary states.....
Somebody who is always walked all over 
This is exactly what I thought a doormat meant and to this I take offense.  I like to think I don't let people do as they please with me.  I know I can be soft spoken and not always speak up for myself, but I also think that when I feel it is really important I do take a stand.  Then I came to this definition also found on Urban Dictionary.

Someone who's really nice, kind, generous and sweet; often also smart and funny. They can be outgoing and extroverted, but still allow certain/most people to walk all over them.
They are dedicated friends and partners, and infallibly there for anyone who needs them with advice, support, money, and expect nothing in return.

Now this is more of how I see myself.  I have friends who are in constant need and usually I always say yes to them but I do it in hopes that if one day I need them they too will be there for me.  With that said I don't like to ask people for help and I actually cringe just thinking about it.  I don't want to feel like I am a burden on anyone and I don't want people thinking I am taking advantage of their friendship.  So when I see or hear people constantly asking for a hand out it kind of pisses me off.  I don't know why I have this reaction and I'm not saying I'm correct in feeling this way but it is just how I feel.  

Don't get me wrong I have spend the majority of my life needing help and taking help from  people who mean the most to me, but I'd like to think that I've grown and learned from my mistakes.  I'm not saying it's wrong to get help from people either but it's those that are always looking for a hook up or for someone else to take care of "THEIR" responsibilities that gets under my skin.  My kids are MY RESPONSIBILITY!  If I sign them up for an activity I expect that I will be the one taking them and picking them up.  If my schedule does not allow for it then ..... I DON'T sign them up.  If I'm traveling out of town I make sure I have a place to stay and not expect others to Hook Me Up.  

I realize I might piss some people off with this post but I don't really care.  Who knows maybe this will make them take a look at themselves......Doubt it.  
I mean I could be totally wrong but I truly believe that you should treat others how you would want to be treated and I like to think I do that.