Monday, January 25, 2010


When I talk about the things I went through while in my abusive relationship with people in my life now I find myself still trying to justify why. Why I stayed, why I didn't leave, why I kept going back, why I didn't tell anybody. Sure most of the questions are by people who have no experience with domestic violence, but none the less these questions are still hard to answer to this day. It all goes back to the fact that the victim feels like it was us that did something wrong, that we are getting punished for his actions even after were out. I think that is why a lot of people choose not to talk about it. They choose to hide it away like a deep dark secret that you just don't talk about. Then there are people like me who talk about it maybe way to much for some people's liking. I know that it may seem that I'm proud of what I went through but I don't know if proud is the right word. It's more that I'm proud of who I am today and where I am in my life. I understand why it's hard for people to understand they WHYs of why victims stay. I'm not quite sure that I understand them but then it's easier for me to say that now that I'm out. I currently have friends that are in abusive relationships and it's hard for me to wrap my mind around why they stay.
I know how hypocritical that sounds of me. Me the girl that went back more times then I can even count on two hands. The girl that explained away all his behaviors and bruises to family and friends. I am the girl who stayed.......stayed for way to many years. I have to allow myself to go back to the person I was while I was i it to understand why they are staying. When she talks I realize those are his words and not hers. He is in control of everything she does and I have to understand and continue to be there for her no matter what. If you were to read any article on domestic violence they will list all the reasons that women stay or go back. Tear away the layers of the WHYs and what it comes down to is that we just want what everyone else wants. We want to be happy. We want a family, we don't wanna be wrong about him, we don't want to be alone and we believe that our love can change him. We don't go back because of the wrong that's within us but the good.
William tore down myself esteem. He constantly reminded me that I was a bad mother and no man would ever want someone with three kids. He controlled EVERYTHING from when I slept to when we ate. I finally realized that if I left nothing would be any different except that I would now be in control of my life. I was already broke and raising three kids on my own.
People who are not in abusive relationship will never be able to fully understand the reason's why I now know that. I often compare it to a drug addict. Our abusers are our drug and they have a hold over us that is just hard to explain. Even to this day I'm afraid to have contact with my ex. Im not afraid of what he might do to me physically but just like an addict he will always have a pull over me. As time goes by I fell stronger and strong and I can tell you "I will never go back to him!" However I don't want to risk it at all. I'm safer just being away.

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