Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Here it is 11:30 @ night and I'm up wide awake not wanting to go back to sleep. Anyone that knows me knows that I don't usually stay up past 10pm. I was extremely exhausted from my day so I went to bed early right after I tucked the kids in bed. This is the first time in about year that I woke due to a nightmare. This is what I can remember of the dream: I was standing in my daughter's room and I closed and locked her window. I left her room and came right back in and the window was unlocked and open. I remember feeling a panic come over me. I shut and locked the window once again then rushed to the kitchen looking for a broom or something that I could put up in the window (u know like a stick) to keep anyone from being able to open it again. I was tearing through drawers and just in a panic. When I could not find anything I rushed back around the corner into her room again to find the window wide open. I knew there was someone outside the window taunting me saying "SEE I CAN OPEN THE WINDOW EVEN WHEN IT'S LOCKED, YOU CANT KEEP ME OUT!" Those were the words I head in my head even though no one was speaking. I then ran up to the open window and just started to scream at the top of my lungs...."GO AWAY...I KNOW YOUR THERE!" Then when I stood up I sensed that he was standing behind me in the room. He being my ex husband.
It was then I woke up in this panic. I've checked all the windows and doors. I set looking out the windows making sure I didn't see anyone out there. I feel like someone is sitting on my chest. WHY? WHY NOW! Where does this come from. What has triggered it? Then I start to play tricks with my mind. I'm not afraid of this man, or am I? He is not stupid enough to come back around here, or is he?
The window in my dream was the same window my son had to jump out of to go get me help the last time my abuser attacked me.
The truth is I feel safe in my home and I don't really think about him coming back around here, but I know it's only a matter of time. It's gonna happen he is gonna show up or contact me in one way or another that is just the type of person he is. I have no restraining order because of the fucked up judicial system. So there really is nothing stopping him not that a piece of paper ever did that anyways.
I am so exhausted and I just sit here listening for any little sound. Close my eyes? I don't think so. Turn on the lights? I don't want him to know I'm awake. So all there is left to do is sit here and pray. Soon enough the sleep will come and I hope that when it does it's peaceful.