Friday, February 5, 2010

What did I do wrong???

It's hard to explain the torment that goes on when your living in an abusive home. Sure there were good times, when he would hold me or do something special just for me but those times were few and far in between. The whole time your just holding your breath waiting for it to come and you know it's gonna come. You try to prepare yourself for it but the truth is you never can. It always felt like someone was sitting on my was hard to breath, hard to relax ever. You are going back over everything you did for the whole day in your mind trying to make sure you didn't slip up somewhere. "How much time did it take me to walk from the bus stop to the house?" "Did I buy the right cut of chicken for dinner?" "Am I wearing to much make up?" "Did I look at anybody wrong?" I know it sounds crazy and you begin to make yourself a little crazy. I've had to retrain myself that it is ok to look someone in the eye when they talk to me. I would never had done that with William around because he would think I was flirting with them. I can remember being at a family gathering with him (his family)and all of us having such a great time. We were laughing and drinking and I had let my guard down because we were having such a good time. We left the party and as soon as we got in the elevator I could tell something was wrong. His demeanor changed, it was if he was boiling inside and I could not figure out why. The whole way home I am going over the whole night in my head trying to figure out what I had did wrong. He was silent all the way home. I put the kids in bed and I went into the bathroom to get ready for bed when all of the sudden I has hit in the back of the head. I fell to the floor where he started to kick me. He started yelling...."So you wanna fuck my brother?" "You let him touch you? You smiled at him?" All I could do was curl up in the fetal position and protect myself the best I could till he finished. Soon enough he left as I lay on the floor crying and just holding myself. Where did I go wrong???? I had no idea what he was talking about. I don't know what I did, but it didn't matter he saw what he saw and there was no telling him otherwise. There never was any telling him different. He was right......he was always right.
He would interrogate me for hours trying to get me to admit to whatever it was. William would disappear for days at a time and I always knew when he came back home I would have hell to pay. When he would finally come home it was always the same thing. He would starting going through the house, apartment or room depending on where we were living at the time like he was looking for something. He would question the kids to find out who had been in the house or where we had been while he was gone. When they would not give him the answers he was looking for he would turn to me. I remember him cornering me in the kids bedroom one time. I sat curled up in a ball which was my usual position early on. He would ask me a question and if I didn't give him the answer he wanted he would attack me. Hit, kick what ever he felt like doing. After hours of this going on I tried to leave the room and he was not having it. He wanted me to admit that his father had been to our apartment while he was gone. What was crazy was his father was not even in the country at the time but he was certain he had been to our apartment. I was telling the truth I didn't know what else to do to make him stop so I tried to leave the room. That's when he jumped on me pulling me to the ground. He was on top of me with his hands around my throat....Yelling.....TELL ME HE WAS HERE......MY FATHER WAS HERE YOU SLUT!!!!! I remember the room started to close in on me. Everything was fading to black.....he was going to kill me.....I was going to stop breathing and would never wake up. No one would ever know....he would be left with my children and no one would know he killed me. I was astranged from my family, I had no friends, no one would come looking for me. I WAS GOING TO DIE!
I started shaking me head yes. YES HE WAS HERE! I said it...I said what he wanted me to say. I made up some story and that was that....he left me alone. It was at that point that I learned that I just needed to tell him what he wanted to hear in order to survive. No matter how terrible or disgusting it was if I just agreed with whatever he wanted me to admit to I could live to see another day. The whole time William and I were together I never once looked at another or cheated, but according to him I slept with everyone from to all his family members to anyone he ever worked with to people I had never even met. Hell the reason's he beat me were from one extreme to the other. There was no rhyme or reason to just happened!

1 comment:

  1. wow...i am so painfully sorry you had to go through that and LOOK you survived!!!
    my mom went through the same thing...except he would beat me started at age 3-12...its the worst feeling in the world feel alone and you feel everything is your fault....just remember it WAS NOT YOUR FAULT.( i am trying to do the same myself)
    thank you for sharing your story.
    Bless you honey and yours....