Monday, August 30, 2010


I was laying in bed thinking....going back over the past 10 years of my life....of my children's lives.  I realize that there is a little part of me that still hates myself.  A part of me that is angry, mad and confused at everything that I allowed to happen.  It's almost backwards but Im most upset and angry at myself and not at him.  I hate what I have allowed my children to see and go through.  I hate the hurt that I have caused the people who mean the most to me in my life.  I'M ANGRY at ME!
I was asked to speak at a charity event some weeks ago.  I was scared and excited all at the same time.  It went better than I could of expected and I had some really important people there who shared it with me.  I chose for whatever reason not to take my children to this event so when I got home I wanted to let them know how excited I was at the outcome.  My two oldest children wanted me to read my speech to them and so I did.  The speech included an incident that had happen that I spoke about here in my blog.  It also spoke about how the charity had helped to save my life.  When I was done reading my speech I looked up to see both my children with tears in their eyes.  Had I made the wrong decision reading this to them?  I didn't mean to cause them any hurt or pain.  So I took this opportunity to sit down and talk to them about what it was they were feeling.  I have that outlet here to get it out and yeah they have been through counseling but I never really felt like they have fully opened up about how they feel.

My daughter explained to me that she was crying because in my story I was bleeding and she was sad that I was hurt.  She told me she was sorry that I was hurt and I just held her and told her I was ok now and that everything was gonna be ok.  My son was a little harder to get to open up.  He just stood there in front of me crying and all I could do was hold him till he was able to talk.  He replayed to me a night that he remembered.  As soon as he began to tell his story I knew exactly the night that he was speaking of.  You see I remember every night.......I remember it all and I know there is A LOT that he remembers too.  The night he spoke about William tried to take the kids from the house.  I remember him making them get into the car in the garage.  I took his keys because there was no way I was letting him leave with my children.  He came after me in the house and as I threw his keys across the room he pushed me face first into the wall.  He proceeded to find his keys while I got up and ran to the garage to get my children out the car.
I remember that night I remember bleeding holding my children in the yard so that he could not take them.  I remember it and now I know my son does too.
I continued to let him get it out and after all the tears were gone I started to explain to both of them why I talk about what happened to us.  I told them that I knew they were embarrassed and didn't want all their friend to know.  I said to them........."What if one of your friends at school is going through exactly the same stuff you went though don't you think it would help him if he knew he wasn't alone that he had someone he could talk to about it that knew and understood exactly what he was going though?"  I then said it's ok you guys don't have to talk about it with your friends but understand I talk about to to help others.
I also explained to them that nothing that happened was their fault and there was nothing they could of done.  My son has often said he had wanted to do something but was to afraid.  I looked him straight in his eyes and told him "YOU ARE MY HERO!"  I looked at both of them and told them they were my hero's that they made me stronger and that I was sorry they had to go through that.
That was a rough night and I felt good and bad.  Bad that I had made my children feel bad and cry but also good because we really had one of the best talks we have ever had.  I'm proud of them.  So here I am back looking at myself and angry at the time that they lost.  At the memories that they are forced to live with.  Sometimes I wish their little brains were like an Etch A Sketch and I could just shake em and erase it all.  I just hope that I continue to make the right decisions and continue to help them to heal.  I have so many angels in my life that continue to help me and I only hope to be that for them.  After all they are my heros. 

1 comment:

  1. Nicole, you're such a strong woman. I want to just give you a big ol' hug!! ♥