Friday, October 2, 2009

Why me??

When I went to bed last night I could not stop thinking about this blog and wondering where I should go with it and what I should talk about. I had all these ideas rolling around in my head so I guess I will try to start in the beginning or at least what I consider the beginning. When you go through something traumatizing in your life you have a tendency to look back through your life and ask yourself....Why me? What was it about me that made me susceptible to this? How could I have let myself get into this sort of situation? We all like to go back over our childhood and try to blame things on our parents, but the truth is our parents do the best they know how and it is up to us to make the right decisions as we grow. My abuser was abused by his father and saw his mother abused by his step father but is that an excuse for what he did to me? It may play a factor in the way he is but we are all born with free will so I don't accept that reason. I had a pretty normal childhood from what I remember. My parents were hard workers, not alcoholics nor did they abuse me as a child. They were good parents and did the best they knew how with me. I can't quite explain why but for some reason I never felt like I fit in, in my family that is. It was nothing they did at least nothing that I can remember. I just felt different. Why??? Who knows. At family get together I felt to young to hang with the bigger kids and to old for the younger ones....kinda in the middle and lost some how. So my rebellion started pretty early. My parents could probably tell you more about that then I could. When I entered High School it was very important for me to fit be liked and so I did somethings that I'm not to proud of. I always had a boyfriend....went from one to another and was never single for long.
Its funny only now can I tell you that my first abusive relationship was not my exhusband, but my first steady boyfriend. He was much older than I was and took contol of our relationship pretty quickly. We never hung out with my friends, it was usually his older and much more mature friends that I didn't even know or feel comfortable around. He was very jealous and I can remember one weekend when he was gone forbidding me to go out. He was also my first.....well you know. They always say your first should be special.....well mine was not at all. Everytime with him was not. I can remember crying through it one time and it not even phasing him one bit. I'm not saying he forced me but it was pretty clear that it was not something I wanted to do but did for him. It wasn't until I met this other guy that I was able to break away from him. I remember when we broke up he came up to talk to me on a Sunday. We went for a ride and he was very upset. I remember him saying he had a gun under his seat and that he wanted to kill himself. I was terrified. I didn't know what to say and we were out in the middle of no where and I just froze. It was hard to breath. Somehow I convinced him to take me back home and that was that. It was over.

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