Tuesday, October 13, 2009

How I got here?

I can remember laying on the cold bathroom floor with my head laying on the toilet seat thinking how did I get here. Blood was running from my nose and mouth so much that it was choking me. I didn't know what was going on.....I didn't realize that he had just about broken my nose. He was yelling at me that I better make sure I clean up all the blood and not leave a mess. After the blood stopped gushing from my nose and mouth I remember him returning to the other room and going to bed. Leaving me on the cold bathroom floor, five months pregnant to clean up the mess. We had just gotten to Baltimore, MD a few months prior to this incident and it was then that I felt trapped, lost, hurt and scared. How did I get here??? How did I let this happen.....to me??? We were only together for about 9 months when we picked up and moved half way across the US to Baltimore. I was pregnant with our daughter and thought it was the right thing to do .... to be with the father. He had successfully alienated me from every friend I had and I had pushed away my entire family. I'm sure they didn't even know me anymore at that point. I just up and left without a word and now here I was alone, pregnant bleeding on the bathroom floor.
I remember how it happened but not sure what started the fight. He wanted me to get out of the bed and sleep on the floor with my son who at this time was 2 I think. I refused to get out of the bed and he picked me up and when he dropped me on the floor my face hit a wooden chair. I didn't even realize what had happened until blood started to run like a river out my nose.
He didn't show any concern till the next day when he made me go to the emergency room to see if "HIS" baby was ok. I remember making up some story about falling out of bed, which I knew none of them bought. They made him leave the room while they questioned me about how it really happened and I refused to tell the truth. I denied it all. Why? Who knows why? I'm sure I had my reasons. I was alone in a city where I really knew no one but his family. I had no money and I had pushed my family away. What was I gonna do if he went to jail. I was totally depended on him and now I know that is exactly how he wanted it.
Well there was no broken nose and I ended up with two black eyes for awhile which I explained away to people. So there I was.....where was I gonna go. I was in it and there was no way out.

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