I've been chosen!

I want to share with you something that I read.  This short passage helped me and I wanted to share it with you.

"For many of us, it is hard to believe that we have been chosen.  Our lives, the circumstances and conditions in which we live, make it very difficult to believe that we have a special purpose, a special place in god's heart.  Even though it is hard to believe, it is true.  The chosen have many tests and trials.  They also have the chosen ability.

Just for today, allow yourself to believe you have been chosen.  All of the experiences you have had were your training ground.  If you are still here, you made it through.  Every experience you thought was a bad experience was simply a test.  Guess what? You passed! All the times you were down, you got up.  All the things you could not do, got done.  Everything you thought you messed up worked out anyway.  Why? Because you have been chosen, and the chosen have a very special ability.  It's called God".   ~ Iyanla Vanzant

I think this is why I choose to share my life and my experiences though my blog and just in everyday life.  I know that God brought me through this for some reason and it is not all for naught.  I have to try and pass on to others what I have learned in hopes to save them from going through the same thing.  I also share so that those who have never walked in my shoes can hopefully better understand the whys?  I know that I am still being tested and I am growing.  Each and every experience I go through I come out stronger and smarter.  I think knowing that makes going through just a little easier.  

Heros

I was laying in bed thinking....going back over the past 10 years of my life....of my children's lives.  I realize that there is a little part of me that still hates myself.  A part of me that is angry, mad and confused at everything that I allowed to happen.  It's almost backwards but Im most upset and angry at myself and not at him.  I hate what I have allowed my children to see and go through.  I hate the hurt that I have caused the people who mean the most to me in my life.  I'M ANGRY at ME!
I was asked to speak at a charity event some weeks ago.  I was scared and excited all at the same time.  It went better than I could of expected and I had some really important people there who shared it with me.  I chose for whatever reason not to take my children to this event so when I got home I wanted to let them know how excited I was at the outcome.  My two oldest children wanted me to read my speech to them and so I did.  The speech included an incident that had happen that I spoke about here in my blog.  It also spoke about how the charity had helped to save my life.  When I was done reading my speech I looked up to see both my children with tears in their eyes.  Had I made the wrong decision reading this to them?  I didn't mean to cause them any hurt or pain.  So I took this opportunity to sit down and talk to them about what it was they were feeling.  I have that outlet here to get it out and yeah they have been through counseling but I never really felt like they have fully opened up about how they feel.

My daughter explained to me that she was crying because in my story I was bleeding and she was sad that I was hurt.  She told me she was sorry that I was hurt and I just held her and told her I was ok now and that everything was gonna be ok.  My son was a little harder to get to open up.  He just stood there in front of me crying and all I could do was hold him till he was able to talk.  He replayed to me a night that he remembered.  As soon as he began to tell his story I knew exactly the night that he was speaking of.  You see I remember every night.......I remember it all and I know there is A LOT that he remembers too.  The night he spoke about William tried to take the kids from the house.  I remember him making them get into the car in the garage.  I took his keys because there was no way I was letting him leave with my children.  He came after me in the house and as I threw his keys across the room he pushed me face first into the wall.  He proceeded to find his keys while I got up and ran to the garage to get my children out the car.
I remember that night I remember bleeding holding my children in the yard so that he could not take them.  I remember it and now I know my son does too.
I continued to let him get it out and after all the tears were gone I started to explain to both of them why I talk about what happened to us.  I told them that I knew they were embarrassed and didn't want all their friend to know.  I said to them........."What if one of your friends at school is going through exactly the same stuff you went though don't you think it would help him if he knew he wasn't alone that he had someone he could talk to about it that knew and understood exactly what he was going though?"  I then said it's ok you guys don't have to talk about it with your friends but understand I talk about to to help others.
I also explained to them that nothing that happened was their fault and there was nothing they could of done.  My son has often said he had wanted to do something but was to afraid.  I looked him straight in his eyes and told him "YOU ARE MY HERO!"  I looked at both of them and told them they were my hero's that they made me stronger and that I was sorry they had to go through that.

That was a rough night and I felt good and bad.  Bad that I had made my children feel bad and cry but also good because we really had one of the best talks we have ever had.  I'm proud of them.  So here I am back looking at myself and angry at the time that they lost.  At the memories that they are forced to live with.  Sometimes I wish their little brains were like an Etch A Sketch and I could just shake em and erase it all.  I just hope that I continue to make the right decisions and continue to help them to heal.  I have so many angels in my life that continue to help me and I only hope to be that for them.  After all they are my heros. 

Guilt of the choice

Come, child. It's evening. Come to me

And sit with me once more.

Let's rock here while the others sleep.

Let's see-your brother's twelve;

The baby is seven years old now;

Your little sister's eight,

And I have not decided if I'll tell them about you.

And you, you would be thirteen this year.

I do not know your name.

The color of your eyes, or hair,

Or where, or how, to blame.

The fear was all, the fear of change,

For I saw change as loss.

Against my dreams, my plans, my life

You seemed so small a cost,

Not knowing how your presence

Altered how I felt and thought,

Not knowing how you changed me

In the mix the hormones brought.

And you were not a child to me

But sickness, pain, and fear-

But oh, I know, I know you now,

Now that these three are here!

Your scent, your weight within my arms,

Your head upon my breast-

I did not know these things when I decided what was best.

And I am lost and so confused

And don't know how to feel,

For you, who were an illness,

Every year become more real;

Your brother and your sisters,

They proclaim you as they grow.

They make it harder still to face

The coldest truth I know:

That knowing-feeling-only

What I knew and felt back then,

I cannot say I would not make

This saddest choice again.

Oh! My little lost unknown,

My first and neverborn,

Forgive the ignorance that sent you

To the dark, unmourned!

And no, it isn't every day

I find your shadow here;

Most times I'm far too busy

For reflection or for tears,

But sometimes, when the children sleep

And I have time alone,

I sit down in the dark, and rock,

And bring my baby home.

A seed is Planted!

I was asked about a month ago if I would be willing to speak at a charity event for the shelter me and the kids were in when I left my abuser. The idea excited me and scared me at the same time. I want to talk about my story I want to help others and at this point this is the only way I know how. So while I was excited for the change to get to do this I was terrified as I SUCK at public speaking. So I sat down to write what I was going to say and I just went blank. What am I gonna say to a room full of strangers? Would they even care what I had to say? Would they judge me.....look down on me? I had to look past all of that and understand that if just one person in that room would hear my story and be touched or relate in some small way then that would be worth it to me. You see I'm a nobody.....I've been used to being a nobody my whole life but if I know anything it's that there is a reason for everything. God let me go through what I went through for a reason. He brought me through for a reason. He gave me a story to tell and this is my purpose.
So I started to write about me......a subject I know all to well.
So the night came that I was to "deliver" my speech.  I put on a basic black dress as I knew most people at this charity even would be dressed up and I didn't wanna stand out.  I had invited several people to attend and was thankful when a group of ladies joined me from work.  I took the mic in my hand and I stood before a room of at least 100 people shaking in my pretty high heels.  I was sort of in a haze throughout the entire speech but I did it.  After I was finished I let our a deep sigh of relief that it was over.  I was proud of myself I had go through it......I did it but would probably NEVER do that again!  Well that was until I started having women come up to be wanting to shake my hand ....... give me a hug .......... or just simply wanting to say "Thank You!"  I really had no idea what type of impact my words could have on other people.  Strangers at that.  When I left that event I was so proud of myself and I had finally realized that maybe.....just maybe I COULD make a difference....That I did have purpose and so the seed was planted.

3 Years and counting

The day is coming up......the day it was finally ended. It ended my nightmare or so I thought. Truth is the nightmare was not over, it was just the beginning of a long hard journey back. Back to me back to some sort of normality in my life. July 4, 2007. I guess because it falls on a holiday I will never forget that date. I had let him back into our lives yet once again. It didn't take long before he started screwing up again and making my life hell. Soon he started to disappear for days and I knew it would not be long before it would end again. We would fight and I would kick him out. That is the way I thought it would go. Up to this point he had not laid a hand on me in over 2 years. Well that streak would end on this early July 4th morning. He had been gone and unreachable for two days when he returned to my home at about 3am in the morning. I remember hearing him come into the house......lights came on and I barely got the chance to sit up when he grabbed me by my hair and pulled me out the bed to the floor and down the hallway. Like he was a caveman or something. My daughters slept downstairs that night and my son just happened to be in the room next to mine. At least William had enough sense to close the bedroom door where my son was sleeping. So at least he didn't see what was happening to his mother but the door could not keep the screams from breaking through. I pried myself from him grasp and ran back to my room and positioned myself in the corner of the room on the floor prepared for whatever was about to come my way. Here I was ........ once again in my fetal position that I knew all to well. TWO YEARS.....TWO YEARS ...... How after so long was I right back here?? I had came so far and it took a blink of an eye to be right back there....falling back into that dark hole.
William came back and forth to the room each time either kicking or hitting me in the head. At one point with his hands around my throat I was able to look at him in his eyes only to find he was not there. He was yelling about something that made absolutely no sense to me. Then again it never did when he went off. He was high, drunk who knows. He was no longer William. That is when something inside of me snapped. He was gonna kill me. That is all that I thought to myself.....He is gonna kill me and not even know he did it.
I immediately entered into the fight or flight mode and started to think of ways to get out of there to get help....I knew that I could not fight him off and getting help was my only chance.  Where is my phone? I gotta get to my phone!! I remembered for some reason I had plugged it in to the charger in the kitchen. The next time he came into the room I decided to follow him when he left the room. The whole time I'm trying to talk to him trying to calm him down. I knew that I couldn't do it but it was a distraction from what my real motive was. To get to my phone. I was able to grab my phone and run to my room and I dialed 911 just as he jumped on my back grabbed the phone and broke it in half. After a few more blows to my head he left the room once again and I scampered on the bottom of my closet. MAYBE the call went through.....Maybe they will try to call back and just send an officer out to check it out.....Maybe I can just wait it out till they come.....they will come......wont they?
Truth was they were not coming If I waited they would find me dead. What now .... what can I do now? Across the room I saw the keys to the house that must have fallen out of William's pocket during one of his attacks. On the key ring was the house alarm remote. New plan......I had to time it just right or he would stop me. I took a couple more attacks then just as he left the room I grabbed the keys and ran across the hall to the bedroom where my son was. Closed the door and positioned myself between the wall and the door to hold it shut. I pushed the key remote alarm and set the house alarm. I started yelling to my son "OPEN THE WINDOW.......OPEN THE WINDOW!!! NOWWWW! At this point William is breaking through the door and my foot has gone through the wall. He is yelling at my son to not open it. Luckily my son opened the window which automatically set off the house alarm. William continued to try and break through the door. I was afraid for my son...I couldn't let William get to him. Did I just put him in Danger. I yelled for my son to bust out the screen......"GO OUT THE WINDOW.....GO GO GET HELP! Out the window he went into the dark.
William stopped coming through the door and I heard the house phone ring. I knew he had to answer it or the police were gonna come. I ran out the room and waited for him to answer the phone at which point I started to scream. After I was sure they heard me I ran out the back door to find my son and get help. We knocked and pounded on neighbors door and in my neighborhood people just don't answer their doors late at night. So no one came to the door. William knew the police were coming so as my son and I watched from across the street he got in the car and left.

I wish I could say it ended there but that was not the end of it, but the worst of it was over. He was out of our lives and has been out of our lives for the last 3 years. I was left to once again pick up the pieces to rebuild a home where my children might once again feel safe and secure. Sure it took time but we have done just that. Once again the anniversary of that date is upon us and I can't help but relive that night. It gets easier and easier each year and I am starting to look at this date as a beginning and not and ending.

Moving On….???

Moving on……………..What do those words really mean. Sure you fall down you get back up and keep going. One step forward and two steps back. Does moving on mean leaving things behind or do you carry them with you? Can you really leave the past in the past or is it forever a part of who you are? I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons. Or have I? Who really knows exactly what we need to do to move on? Am I finally content with a past I regret? I feel that I am at peace with myself and who I am or am I just tricking myself into thinking that. I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long. I'm ready to move on. I've moved on or at least I think that I am. As far as my everyday life I am good. I am content with who I am and how I am raising my kids. The part of my life that I'm not really sure about is relationships. Relationships with men. I keep telling myself I'm ready but at the same time the thought of a serious relationship scares the crap out of me. I don't know if I can fully let my guard down to trust someone and not question their every motive. I like the idea of falling in love but up to this point I'm just getting up to falling into extreme like. Besides those words still echo in my head…."Who is gonna want you? Your fat and have three kids. Nobody wants someone with three kids!! You will never have another man around MY children!!"

I know that those things are not true but the thoughts are there I still hear those words that were said and yelled at me over and over and over again. Being in an abusive relationship is kinda like being brain washed. Once you are out of it you have to retrain your mind to what the truth really is and even though we retrain our minds the old "JUNK" as I like to call it, is still there, still haunting us. It's all about what we choose to listen to and believe. Sure on the good days it's easy to look at myself in the mirror and say "Your beautiful and any man would be LUCKY to have you in their life." On the not so good days ….. well you get my point. So they say that healing takes time. Ok well how much time exactly because that whole statement is pretty vague and I do better with exact terms Problem with that is there is never an exact answer.

Below are some things that I came across in my reading that I felt were somewhat helpful.


Remember that moving on is the end goal – Expressing your feelings will liberate you in a way, but it is important not to dwell on the negative feelings or to over-analyze the situation. Getting stuck in hurtful feelings like blame, anger and resentment will rob you of valuable energy and prevent you from healing and moving forward.


Remind yourself that you still have a future. When you commit to another person, you create many hopes and dreams. It's hard to let these dreams go. As you grieve the loss of the future you once envisioned, be encouraged by the fact that new hopes and dreams will eventually replace your old ones.

So what I take away from this is moving on is what is needed to grow and moving on means leaving the past in the past and refocusing on my future. So what is in my future? Who knows? I do know that I am ok with me. I am ok with the person that I am. I believe that I can and will be ok without having a man in my life. Now whether or not someone else will be ok with the person that I am….well that is yet to be determined. I have to worry about my happiness and if something does not make me happy then I HAVE to cut it out of my life. I've wasted to many years in negativity and loss. I have a future and I guess not knowing what that future holds is scary. Hell I know I'm not any different from anyone else. I guess I just like knowing that there is someone out there for me. There is someone that can accept me and my children and also accept the baggage that comes with being in a relationship with me. I know I have a lot to give and I know it's not all good. Guess everyone carries their own baggage, just feel like sometimes mine is a little heavier than I'd like it to be. So the answer to my original question is Yes I guess so. I guess I am moving on. I am doing what is needed of myself to move on to move past the hurt and resentment. I am not sure whether or not three years is enough time or not but then I guess it's an ongoing process and everyday is another pebble in the sand.

 

 

Sleep Through The Pain

I wasn't going to do this but I need to. I need to let it go....I need to get it out. This Blog entry is different. Different in the aspect that all of the past entries I have written about past events and the way things were. Well here I am in the present. I am present in this moment in this time in this place. My abuser was released from jail a few weeks ago. He is out. He is walking the same streets I am walking. He is looking at the same sky that I look at everyday and I am forced to deal with how I feel about that. I share my emotions pretty well here on my blog but in real life in face to face conversation I have to the the strong one. I HAVE to be the confident one. I can handle this just fine! He is out, so what! I really love it when people try to tell me how I am supposed to feel or how I should handle this situation. Nothing make me more angry because they were not there, they didn't look into his eyes to see nothing, no soul no heart no conscience. They didn't hear the empty threats that I took VERY seriously.
So how DO I FEEL? Truth is I am VERY upset, sick to my stomach and once again waiting for the ball to drop. I'm not scared of him, but I know that it is just a matter of time before we come face to face. It's gonna happen and until it does I feel like someone is sitting on my chest. It's hard to breath.......I've been here before this place is very familiar to me. You have no idea what the last 3 years have meant to me. I was able to BREATH.....I was able to EXHALE! I was able to live my life again without limits the world was mine to discover with a freedom I didn't have for so many years.
People try to tell me about his intentions and how he has changed but I say BULLSHIT! I say that will not happen in 3 years, 6 years or even 10 years. Everyone is SAVED when they come out of jail. You know how many times I fell for that line. How many times I took him back......How many times I picked him up from the jail to hear all the promises? Promises are empty! His words are Empty to me. I HATE HIM! I DO NOT FORGIVE HIM and DONT TELL ME I SHOULD! DON'T you DARE tell me how to feel or what to do with this!
I feel threatened! I feel scared for my children! Yes I do. I'm pretty up front with my kids and we discuss almost everything so yes I told them he was out so that we could talk about it so they could work their feelings out about how this made them feel. I wasn't going to wait till the just popped up and let them be surprised. A few night ago Kiah came to be a little after bed time and said "Mommy I can't sleep because I'm scared." I told her there was nothing to be scared of and to go back to bed. She then said "You want to know what I'm scared of?" So I entertained her and asked. "I'm scared that Daddy is gonna come to my window." Now I realized that she was not just trying to get out of going to bed I sat down with her and explained that he would not do that. He does not want you hurt or scare you. You do not have to worry about that. Daddy is not going to hurt you. She then looked at me and said "What about you? What if he wants to hurt you?" After a long pause and a very deep breath I told her to not worry that we are safe....we are all safe here. Kissed her goodnight and left the room before she could see the tears start to fall.
I will get through this just like I have everything else and I will come out ok and my children will come out ok because I have an angel that watches over me. My angle carried me for many years. She then walked beside me until recently and now she walks behind me in case I should fall she will be there to catch me. Now it is always there.....even when I sleep it is there. So now I sleep through the pain until I wake up and this nightmare is over.