Monday, November 9, 2009

Internal Scars

I'm not really sure where it comes from or why it comes when it does, but when it hits it hits hard. Watching the Rihanna interview today has brought back a lot of my own feelings and memories. She talked about the internal hurt or what I like to call the internal scars. Like she said the bruises fade away but what people don't see are the internal scars that are left. The hurt that is left for us to deal with for the rest of our lives. Sure we would like to forget and move on and for the most part we can do that but like Rihanna said we have flashbacks. If you have ever went through something traumatic in your life then you can truly understand what that is like. For the most part I can talk about my past and what I went through and it not affect me. The hardest time for me is when I'm alone and especially at night when I'm by myself and the house is quiet. There is something about being still and silent that allows your mind to open up to go places sometimes you are really not wanting to go. I don't know if other women have the same experience as I do with flashbacks but what I experience is extreme. When my mind starts to visualize places and events that I went through I go right back to that time and place. I feel exactly whatever it was I was feeling at that time and place. It is not usually one time or one event but a series to explosions in my mind. I know when it is coming and I allow myself to go through it knowing that at the end I will be one step closer to where it is I need to be.....mentally.
Tonight was one of those nights. I don't know if it was watching the Rihanna interview or just this whole past month of domestic violence awareness that has stirred it up but it came and it came hard. I laid down in my bed and when I closed my eyes it started. All over again I felt scared, I felt hurt, I felt anger but what I felt most of all was alone. The feeling of being alone like there is no one there to help you. Nobody to save you. You can't run where will you go. You can't scream cuz no one will hear you. You can't leave because you have three small babies to carry. Your alone you have to stay. You have to endure each hit, each ridicule until he is finished and hope that this wont be the last time. You curl up in a ball and just rock back and forth and hope that this time he does not go to far, that this time he doesn't choke you to long. I set up in bed and just rocked and I cried wanting the feeling to go away but the pictures just kept coming. "Make it stop! Make it stop!" It gets hard to breathe but I want it all to get out. I want this feeling to get out so I allow myself to go through.
I hate the feeling of being alone, being alone is one of my biggest fears still to this day. It is something that I've been working really hard on and it is getting better and I'm getting stronger. The difference now is that I'm not alone and I just have to remind myself of that. I get up and I walk through the house and go into my children rooms where they sleep peacefully and remind myself of that. I'm not alone and I am not there anymore, I'm not in that place.
It's been quite awhile since I have allowed myself to break down like this but I do believe it is necessary. I believe that in order to heal you have to allow yourself to feel. You cannot close yourself off to your emotions. Now don't get me wrong there is a time and place to break down and it is not healthy to allow yourself to stay in that place for long. So I allow myself an occasional break down and then I get right back up and continue on with my life. I have three exceptional human beings that come 6am in the morning are going to be counting on me and I can't let them down and I hope I never do again.

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