I bet you probably think I feel in a whole somewhere. I'm sorry and I wish I could tell you that I will be posting more often but with my life and schedule I just don't see that happening. So what has prompted me to make this entry? I've had a lot on my mind as of late and while driving into work this morning I felt the need to get it off my chest. I knew what I had to say was way to long for a Facebook post so here I am to spew my thought on my blog.
There have been some posts on Facebook lately that for some reason have gotten under my skin and they have also made me take a look at myself and question how I treat others. I like to think that I am a good friend majority of the time. I've been told by people close to me that sometimes I can be somewhat of a doormat. Now I am pretty sure I know what the definition is of a doormat but I looked it up just to make sure. The first definition I read on Urban dictionary states.....
Somebody who is always walked all over
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
Doormat??
This is exactly what I thought a doormat meant and to this I take offense. I like to think I don't let people do as they please with me. I know I can be soft spoken and not always speak up for myself, but I also think that when I feel it is really important I do take a stand. Then I came to this definition also found on Urban Dictionary.
Doormat
They are dedicated friends and partners, and infallibly there for anyone who needs them with advice, support, money, and expect nothing in return.
Now this is more of how I see myself. I have friends who are in constant need and usually I always say yes to them but I do it in hopes that if one day I need them they too will be there for me. With that said I don't like to ask people for help and I actually cringe just thinking about it. I don't want to feel like I am a burden on anyone and I don't want people thinking I am taking advantage of their friendship. So when I see or hear people constantly asking for a hand out it kind of pisses me off. I don't know why I have this reaction and I'm not saying I'm correct in feeling this way but it is just how I feel.
Don't get me wrong I have spend the majority of my life needing help and taking help from people who mean the most to me, but I'd like to think that I've grown and learned from my mistakes. I'm not saying it's wrong to get help from people either but it's those that are always looking for a hook up or for someone else to take care of "THEIR" responsibilities that gets under my skin. My kids are MY RESPONSIBILITY! If I sign them up for an activity I expect that I will be the one taking them and picking them up. If my schedule does not allow for it then ..... I DON'T sign them up. If I'm traveling out of town I make sure I have a place to stay and not expect others to Hook Me Up.
I realize I might piss some people off with this post but I don't really care. Who knows maybe this will make them take a look at themselves......Doubt it.
I mean I could be totally wrong but I truly believe that you should treat others how you would want to be treated and I like to think I do that.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Foundation
You know I've been thinking a lot lately about the people that I have in my life now. About my family and just everything that god has give and taken away from me. People think that domestic violence is something that happens to one person, the victim. Sure we realize that the children are affected but what we miss to see a lot of the time is the bigger picture. Abuse not only affects the victim and her children but it has a huge affect on her family, friends and everyone around her. Domestic violence is about so much more than just victim. The abuse took so much from me, my self esteem, self worth, pride, home, my family and any friends that I had. I know I've said it before but domestic violence is so much like drug abuse if that makes it any easier to understand. William was my drug. I was addicted to him. I felt like I could not live without him. William took my self esteem and self worth away from me. The control he had over me was like a drug. He made me believe that the people in my life didn't want what was best for me. He lead me to believe that they were jealous of our relationship. That all they wanted to do was break us up. So I in return started to push them away...anyone and everyone that ever cared about me. Anytime I would start to develop a relationship where ever we were he found a reason for me to end it. He didn't want me to develop any type of support so that I would stay depended on him.
We don't think about the families and the hurt that they go through. The helplessness that they feel. You see no one could help me until I was ready to help myself. It hurts when I think about all the pain that I put my family through. Only a few of my friendship survived and I can't blame those that did not. You see I just up and left with out a phone call. William made me believe that we needed to move to start over. We needed to go so that nobody else could interfere in our relationship, because you see it was all their fault the problems we were having. I was also pregnant with his child and I wanted to badly to prove everyone wrong, that I could change him. I wanted a family just like everyone else had. We sold what we could and packed the car with what it would hold. We left out late one night and that was that. I was half way across the United States when my family found out where I was.
Three years I was away from them and it's true that you don't know what you have it it's gone. I love my family more than anything and I'm so very sorry for all the hurt and disappointment that I caused them. I know that I will never be able to take back those years all I can do is the right thing now. It's really only been totally over for 3 years now and it's taken every minute of those years to regain those relationships. I have a sister......I can say that. I love my sister and I so look up to her as a woman and mother. I have a brother, who until recently I didn't think would ever forgive me. Now I can't speak for him I don't know that he has forgiven me but I feel that we finally have the type of relationship that I've always wanted. I love my brother. I have a father and I once again feel like his daughter. I feel like he can finally be proud of me, which is all I ever wanted. Then there is my mom. What can I say about her except that she is my rock. She never gave up on me and she never let me give up on myself. She has learned along with myself to give up some control. I know as a mother she wanted to save me, she wanted to fix it and she has allowed me to take control of my own life. I can't say much more than that because at this point i am a blubbering idiot.
My family is my foundation and they always have been, I just never realized it before. It took me a lot of time but I finally feel like an important member of this family. I will never again let anyone or anything take them away from me.
We don't think about the families and the hurt that they go through. The helplessness that they feel. You see no one could help me until I was ready to help myself. It hurts when I think about all the pain that I put my family through. Only a few of my friendship survived and I can't blame those that did not. You see I just up and left with out a phone call. William made me believe that we needed to move to start over. We needed to go so that nobody else could interfere in our relationship, because you see it was all their fault the problems we were having. I was also pregnant with his child and I wanted to badly to prove everyone wrong, that I could change him. I wanted a family just like everyone else had. We sold what we could and packed the car with what it would hold. We left out late one night and that was that. I was half way across the United States when my family found out where I was.
Three years I was away from them and it's true that you don't know what you have it it's gone. I love my family more than anything and I'm so very sorry for all the hurt and disappointment that I caused them. I know that I will never be able to take back those years all I can do is the right thing now. It's really only been totally over for 3 years now and it's taken every minute of those years to regain those relationships. I have a sister......I can say that. I love my sister and I so look up to her as a woman and mother. I have a brother, who until recently I didn't think would ever forgive me. Now I can't speak for him I don't know that he has forgiven me but I feel that we finally have the type of relationship that I've always wanted. I love my brother. I have a father and I once again feel like his daughter. I feel like he can finally be proud of me, which is all I ever wanted. Then there is my mom. What can I say about her except that she is my rock. She never gave up on me and she never let me give up on myself. She has learned along with myself to give up some control. I know as a mother she wanted to save me, she wanted to fix it and she has allowed me to take control of my own life. I can't say much more than that because at this point i am a blubbering idiot.
My family is my foundation and they always have been, I just never realized it before. It took me a lot of time but I finally feel like an important member of this family. I will never again let anyone or anything take them away from me.
Friday, October 2, 2009
Why me??
When I went to bed last night I could not stop thinking about this blog and wondering where I should go with it and what I should talk about. I had all these ideas rolling around in my head so I guess I will try to start in the beginning or at least what I consider the beginning. When you go through something traumatizing in your life you have a tendency to look back through your life and ask yourself....Why me? What was it about me that made me susceptible to this? How could I have let myself get into this sort of situation? We all like to go back over our childhood and try to blame things on our parents, but the truth is our parents do the best they know how and it is up to us to make the right decisions as we grow. My abuser was abused by his father and saw his mother abused by his step father but is that an excuse for what he did to me? It may play a factor in the way he is but we are all born with free will so I don't accept that reason. I had a pretty normal childhood from what I remember. My parents were hard workers, not alcoholics nor did they abuse me as a child. They were good parents and did the best they knew how with me. I can't quite explain why but for some reason I never felt like I fit in, in my family that is. It was nothing they did at least nothing that I can remember. I just felt different. Why??? Who knows. At family get together I felt to young to hang with the bigger kids and to old for the younger ones....kinda in the middle and lost some how. So my rebellion started pretty early. My parents could probably tell you more about that then I could. When I entered High School it was very important for me to fit in...to be liked and so I did somethings that I'm not to proud of. I always had a boyfriend....went from one to another and was never single for long.
Its funny only now can I tell you that my first abusive relationship was not my exhusband, but my first steady boyfriend. He was much older than I was and took contol of our relationship pretty quickly. We never hung out with my friends, it was usually his older and much more mature friends that I didn't even know or feel comfortable around. He was very jealous and I can remember one weekend when he was gone forbidding me to go out. He was also my first.....well you know. They always say your first should be special.....well mine was not at all. Everytime with him was not. I can remember crying through it one time and it not even phasing him one bit. I'm not saying he forced me but it was pretty clear that it was not something I wanted to do but did for him. It wasn't until I met this other guy that I was able to break away from him. I remember when we broke up he came up to talk to me on a Sunday. We went for a ride and he was very upset. I remember him saying he had a gun under his seat and that he wanted to kill himself. I was terrified. I didn't know what to say and we were out in the middle of no where and I just froze. It was hard to breath. Somehow I convinced him to take me back home and that was that. It was over.
Its funny only now can I tell you that my first abusive relationship was not my exhusband, but my first steady boyfriend. He was much older than I was and took contol of our relationship pretty quickly. We never hung out with my friends, it was usually his older and much more mature friends that I didn't even know or feel comfortable around. He was very jealous and I can remember one weekend when he was gone forbidding me to go out. He was also my first.....well you know. They always say your first should be special.....well mine was not at all. Everytime with him was not. I can remember crying through it one time and it not even phasing him one bit. I'm not saying he forced me but it was pretty clear that it was not something I wanted to do but did for him. It wasn't until I met this other guy that I was able to break away from him. I remember when we broke up he came up to talk to me on a Sunday. We went for a ride and he was very upset. I remember him saying he had a gun under his seat and that he wanted to kill himself. I was terrified. I didn't know what to say and we were out in the middle of no where and I just froze. It was hard to breath. Somehow I convinced him to take me back home and that was that. It was over.
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