Survivor

Thursday, October 11, 2018

#WhyIStayed #WhyILeft

I'm sure most of you have heard the story about Ray Rice and his now wife. I'm not going to go into details about the case as I'm sure most of you know or have seen the elevator video at some point. If you have not you can click on the video here and watch it for yourself.

I will admit that the video is shocking and most people were even more shocked at how he acted like nothing happened. Kicking and dragging her out of the elevator. I was not as shocked by this as most people I talked to. Having been in similar situations I understand the lack of concern and coldness that an abuser can have towards their victim. His only one true worry was about himself and getting caught.

There were a lot of posts on social media and I found myself reading a lot of what people had to say. People's comments shocked me more than what Ray Rice actually did. I was sickened by the lack of compassion people had for this woman. People were bashing and blaming her. They were holding her responsible because she did in fact marry him after this incident occurred. I read comment after comment that she must like being beat if she married him, calling her a gold digger and some even blamed her because she pushed him first. Reading these comments made it very clear as to why MOST women don't report domestic violence. Victim Bashing????? Really is this the world we live in? People do not understand the hold that an abuser has over their victims. Most people think it is as easy as opening and walking out the door. What people don't realize is that when a victim decides to make that move and break away it is the most dangerous time of all. This is the time when most women are killed by their abuser.

This brings me to the point of why now four years later I have decided to write in my blog again. A name most of you have probably never heard Kristin Florio-Gile was shot and killed this past weekend by her husband. You have probably never heard her name because unlike Janay Rice she is not famous. She was just a woman who was trying to escape and abusive marriage. She was trying to get out and was doing everything she could to get out and to leave. She called the police, she pressed charges, she filed for a PFA (protection from Abuse) order. She left and then she was shot to death..........Why? So why don't women "Just leave?" Think about Kristin, think about her six children who will no longer have a mother and then ask that question again. So why don't women just leave?

I didn't know Kristin personally or her family but I have thought about her a lot these last few days. This morning I thought about how her parents had to wake up and get their six grandchildren dressed, fed, loaded into vehicles and taken to the church to bury their mother. They have to be strong for their grandchildren while laying their daughter to rest. How does a parent do that? Is that even humanly possible?

Then as I sit here writing this looking out my window at the Sun shining......something that has not happened in almost a week I think about Kristin. I think about how beautiful it is outside today and I can't help but think she had something to do with this. Knowing her babies, her parents, her family and friends would be gathering today to celebrate her life she asked god to let her shine down on all of them so that maybe they could feel her warmth and know she was ok. Know that she will no longer have to live in fear and is safe in god's arms.

Kristin's story is not unique and statistic tell us that nearly three women are killed everyday.......EVERYDAY by their intimate partner. So just imagine Kristin's story and imagine that happening three times everyday in your lifetime. So why don't we just leave? Why do we put up with the abuse? Simple answers is because like most people we don't want to die. I'm not advocating for women to stay but maybe for some of you that "Don't Get It" to wake up......to step up......to get involved. I am one of the lucky ones, but I could of very well not have been. I wanted to post a picture of Krisitin and her children but I didn't feel like I had the right to do that. I wanted to post her picture because she should be the face we see across national news stations. Her story and those of the thousands of women who are killed every year are the stories we should hear and until that happens we are not going to make a difference. Parents will continue to bury their daughters and children will continue to lose their mothers.
Image result for cemetery

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Today........Tomorrow..........Everyday After...........

I felt compelled to write this blog on my way into work this morning. All this month I have focused a lot on Domestic Violence Awareness and I hope that some of my post on Face book actually educated some people on the issue. I know there is still a large population that thinks it is not a big deal. It's not like having Cancer......people who get cancer don't have a choice on weather or not the get sick. I hear that a lot and I totally agree. I in no way shape or form compare being a victim of domestic violence to getting cancer. I've also heard people say that women choose to be victims. Really? I don't know anyone who would choose to be beaten.....but then that goes back to the uneducated opinion that a lot of people have. I can't educate the world and I know some people will never understand the mental and emotional isolation that a victim feels. Blaming and shaming the victim is not the answer but I know that is something that is probably never going to change, but that won't stop me from trying.

This blog entry is not about domestic violence awareness but about what it is like for me as a survivor today. I have been out of my situation 7 years now and just writing that I had to take a deep breath. Seven years seems like a long time and yet it also seems just like yesterday. People think that just because I'm not in that relationship any longer that it is over for me. I'm here to tell you that it is not. As long as he is out there walking the streets it will never be over for me. Let's be clear I do not live my life in fear. I can't allow myself to do that. I have children that need to have a sense of security and normalcy. I have way more good days then I do bad ones but even though I am not focused on this issue it is always in the back of my mind and some days it just floods my every thought.......like last night.

What I'm about to tell you might come across a little morbid but these are the thoughts that go through my mind. I think a lot about the "What ifs". What if he decides he wants to come back and take the girls. What if he hurts the girls to hurt me. What if he wants me to know what it feels like to not have them anymore. What if............!!!!!!

I like to believe that he is not capable of hurting them but how many times have we heard that in the news.....how many victims have said "I didn't think he would ever do that!" How many stories have I read where the abuser kills the kids to get back at the mothers. There are to many headlines for me NOT to think that this is a possibility. As I lay in bed last night I started to think of what I would do if he were to break in. What if he came with a gun. What would I be able to do to stop him. Dial 911? Grab a knife? It could all be over in a matter of minutes and I could do nothing about it! Nothing. So yes it is at times like that I want to buy a gun. I feel like I need protection not just for myself but for my children. Then when it all settles down I am worried about having a gun in my house. So there I am. I am still undecided on this issue but more and more everyday I think of getting one.

I have kept track as much as possible as to the whereabouts of my abuser and thanks to the Internet I have been able to do so. He continues to be in trouble with the law and I am well aware that he has not changed. This fact makes me even more afraid for our lives. When he would go on a binder and use there was no telling what he would do. So yes here I am 7 years.......7 years and I am not free. Everyday for the rest of my life I have to look over my shoulder. Every little noise I hear as I lay in bed at night captures my full attention. People wonder why I use sleep aids? I need to be able to sleep soundly otherwise I am on alert all night. That is what it is like for me today and will be like to me tomorrow. I try as much as I can to not live in this reality but it's there. As long he is free I am not.

These are just a couple links to stories that flood our headlines everyday. This is my reality.

http://www.click2houston.com/news/deputies-at-least-six-killed-in-shooting-in-spring-area/26871346

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/crime/shot-florida-home-daytona-beach-article-1.1977668

Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Doormat??

I bet you probably think I feel in a whole somewhere. I'm sorry and I wish I could tell you that I will be posting more often but with my life and schedule I just don't see that happening. So what has prompted me to make this entry? I've had a lot on my mind as of late and while driving into work this morning I felt the need to get it off my chest. I knew what I had to say was way to long for a Facebook post so here I am to spew my thought on my blog.

There have been some posts on Facebook lately that for some reason have gotten under my skin and they have also made me take a look at myself and question how I treat others. I like to think that I am a good friend majority of the time. I've been told by people close to me that sometimes I can be somewhat of a doormat. Now I am pretty sure I know what the definition is of a doormat but I looked it up just to make sure. The first definition I read on Urban dictionary states.....
Somebody who is always walked all over

This is exactly what I thought a doormat meant and to this I take offense. I like to think I don't let people do as they please with me. I know I can be soft spoken and not always speak up for myself, but I also think that when I feel it is really important I do take a stand. Then I came to this definition also found on Urban Dictionary.

Doormat

Someone who's really nice, kind, generous and sweet; often also smart and funny. They can be outgoing and extroverted, but still allow certain/most people to walk all over them.
They are dedicated friends and partners, and infallibly there for anyone who needs them with advice, support, money, and expect nothing in return.

Now this is more of how I see myself. I have friends who are in constant need and usually I always say yes to them but I do it in hopes that if one day I need them they too will be there for me. With that said I don't like to ask people for help and I actually cringe just thinking about it. I don't want to feel like I am a burden on anyone and I don't want people thinking I am taking advantage of their friendship. So when I see or hear people constantly asking for a hand out it kind of pisses me off. I don't know why I have this reaction and I'm not saying I'm correct in feeling this way but it is just how I feel.

Don't get me wrong I have spend the majority of my life needing help and taking help from people who mean the most to me, but I'd like to think that I've grown and learned from my mistakes. I'm not saying it's wrong to get help from people either but it's those that are always looking for a hook up or for someone else to take care of "THEIR" responsibilities that gets under my skin. My kids are MY RESPONSIBILITY! If I sign them up for an activity I expect that I will be the one taking them and picking them up. If my schedule does not allow for it then ..... I DON'T sign them up. If I'm traveling out of town I make sure I have a place to stay and not expect others to Hook Me Up.

I realize I might piss some people off with this post but I don't really care. Who knows maybe this will make them take a look at themselves......Doubt it.

I mean I could be totally wrong but I truly believe that you should treat others how you would want to be treated and I like to think I do that.

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Living.......

So this past weekend I got a little inspiration from a few friends to keep writing in my blog. I guess I have not written in awhile because I think I have pretty much told my story, but as my friends made me realize that my story is not over. I've shared a lot about my past with my ex husband and I know that my story has reached a lot of people which is exactly what I wanted to accomplish with this. I wanted women to read my story and know that they were not alone in their struggles that we are never alone. That feeling of isolation and "Being Alone" is one of the most powerful emotions I felt during those years. Even though we may not physically be alone we still feel isolated in the fact that no one could ever understand what we are going through. I knew it would take a lot of years to heal but I never thought that I would feel about my past the way I do today. I used to carry my past like a scar. Something I would look at ....... something that would never go away.......and I would feel sad about that scar. At some point I can't tell you when or how it happened but I actually look at my past with dignity and I carry it as a badge of honor no longer a scar. I realize that what I went through although as painful as it was made me stronger and a better person today. It might sound sadistic to some but I'm proud of how I have come out of that situation. I have no problem talking about the things that happened to me and I sometimes feel that it makes other people more uncomfortable than it does me. I often joke about the fact that I have such a poor memory and contribute it to being hit in the head one to many times. Yes I know that it is no joke what I went through but after so many years of the "Whoa Poor Me" story telling I just feel that making lite of it today helps keep me out of that state of mind. I no longer feel like that poor, sad, hopeless girl that I was so identifying with those emotions is becoming harder for me. I guess it is true that time does heal all wounds. I wish I could tell you the magic cure that got me to this place but I'm not exactly sure. I have the most wonderful and loving family. They have played a big part in my healing. I have a support system that is filled with people I know I can turn to whenever I need without judgement. Knowing that I can and may stumble and fall is ok because I know they will be there for me. I have true friends that believe in me and have never left my side. Then there are my children whom are the most wonderful human beings on this planet. They continue to give me support and courage to get through every struggle. Their unconditional love can take me through any storm. Lastly I would say that giving my story a voice has helped tremendously. Being able to talk about what I went through and to have my story heard has helped me to heal. Knowing that I don't have to hold onto this burden and can let it go has lifted a weight from my shoulders. My past no longer holds me back or slows me down but pushes me forward in life. I want to thank each and everyone of you that reads my blog.....you have helped me. I owe you my deepest gratitude.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Catholic Charities

This was filmed a few years ago and I am so proud of the story they told. I am thankful to the people who are in my life and who have contributed to the life I have today. I am extremely thankful to Catholic Charities because I truly believe that they helped save my life. I know that what they do is a thankless job and to each and every person who touched my life along they way I owe you my deepest gratitude. I know every journey begins with one simple step and Catholic Charities helped get me started on this journey.

THANK YOU and GOD BLESS EACH AND EVERYONE OF YOU!

(This is a horrible picture ugggg)

Thursday, March 1, 2012

7 Times

Recently in the headlines we have seen a lot about the rumor that Rhianna is back with Chris Brown. There is a lot of talk and opinions going around about this subject and although I have had my own opinions on the matter I've not said anything till now. Like with any emotional subject I always think that it is best to give it time and to really think through how you feel before just opening your mouth and spewing out opinions in the heat of the moment. Over the past few weeks my opinion on this matter has actually changed somewhat and it is only now that I think I have a clear opinion on the whole thing. I started out as most with just plain disgust and turning my nose up at Rhianna and asking the question like "How could she be so stupid?" and "What message does this send to our younger generation?" I now realize that I was viewing this subject as an outsider as someone from the general public, someone who has never been in this sort of situation herself. I understand how I and other people could make these statements and judge her for her actions.
However, now as I am writing this I am looking at Rhianna through the eyes of a survivor. I understand why and how if the rumor is true that she could go back to Chris. I know because I am now educated to the issue of domestic violence that the average woman goes back to her abuser 7 times. 7TIMES!! She is no longer a pop icon in my eyes but a battered woman who is making the choice to return to her abuser. I don't know if she has had and therapy or counseling after what she went through, but even if she has it does not make it any easier for her. Just like an alcoholic will always be an alcoholic ...... Rhianna will always be an abused woman. She will have that weakness when it comes to Chris just as an alcoholic has with alcohol. I can't tell you exactly what she is thinking but I can make a pretty good guess. You can bet that these are the sort of statements she is saying to herself....."He has not hit me or anyone else in over 3 years!" "He has taken anger management classes and I know that he can control himself now" "He is the only man I will ever lover and will ever love me." "Maybe he is different, maybe our situation is different, maybe he CAN change!"

I know this because I have walked in her shoes......I have spoken will many other women who have stood where she stands and where I have stood. It is always the same situation all that changes are the names. I was separated from him for almost 3 years and once again I let him back in my life. In stead of judging Rhianna I am fearful for her as the situation is never different and I hope for her sake that this is all just that a rumor.

For me it is going on 5 years that I have been out but still to this day I know that I do not and cannot be in the same room with that man. Someone recently asked me if I saw him again what would I say and my response was....."I'd turn and walk the other way!"

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Dating .....children NOT included!

Not really sure where I am going to go with this post but I have a lot going on in my mind right now so bare with me as I try to explain it in a way that is easy to understand. There is an issue that has been bothering me for some time but I have chosen not to talk about it as I was afraid to step on some people's toes but it is a topic I feel very compassionate about. I actually take pride in the fact that I don't really shield my children from the world or sensor to much with them. Some people would not agree with this approach with parenting but then everyone is entitled to their opinion. Just like you I have an opinion on raising children and I am about to share that here. Even though I pride in the non sensor ship that takes place in my home there is one thing that I do continue to shield my children from and that would be my relationships with other men. I don't agree with and never have agreed with having your children around men that you are casually dating or what ever you call it. I think we as adults have a hard enough time dealing with the emotional aspects of being in a relationship and asking our children to engage in that is just plain MAD! I can count on one hand the number of men that I have let into my home and around my children. One I have known for over 15 years and the other is one of my best friends. At the same time that these men were around my children they had no idea that I was engaged in a relationship with these men.

I have had this talk with my children and they know that I am dating but they are also aware that they will not be meeting anyone until it gets to be serious and when I say serious I mean months into the relationship. I would never ask my children to have to deal with the emotions that come along with a broken relationship. I think we downplay how quickly children can get attached to another man. This point was made very clear to me just the other night while having what I thought was a playful conversation with my 10 year old daughter. My daughter asked me if I ever wanted to get married again. I thought about it and said no probably not and she seemed distressed by this answer. I jokingly made the statement that she was just upset cuz she wanted to be in a wedding or be a bridesmaid. She turned her face away from me and when I turned her face back to mine I could see her eyes welling up with tears. She then made a statment that will be forever engraved in my memory......."I just wanna know what it's like to have a daddy." With that we both started to cry. So you can say what you want but I would never "dangle" that dream in front of her without knowing it was a real possibility.
I'm not going to tell other women how to raise their children but I just really wish they would think twice about this one thing as I think it can affect a child for life. I don't know if my daughter will ever get her wish but I can tell you this that I am not out looking for someone to fulfill this wish. I am going to continue to date and if the guy does not meet the qualities I feel are necessary to be a good father then there is no need to go any further with it. I mean why can't women just date???? Why does every relationship we have with men have to be serious and why does he have to always be "THE ONE!" I can date and still be a good mother. A man will not take me away from my children and they will always be my first priority but I am also entitled to my free time.
Ok that is all I have to say on this matter.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

A Look Back.......

Sometimes we need to remind ourselves how far we have come. Every October I attend a candle light vigil at the very shelter that me and my kids entered when I left my abuser. We honor those who have survived and remember those who have lost the battle to domestic violence. I enjoy it because I get to see my advocate that I had while in shelter. She was my rock and my support through one of the hardest times of my life. She calls me her success story but I don't know if I would of been a success had it not been for her compassion and dedication to help me and my kids. She will always hold a special place in my heart. On the most recent visit she gave me an envelope with this article. It seems like so many light years ago. As I always say to be successful in the future we must remember where we came from.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Question......

Is it normal to question every move .... every decision we make? I often wonder if I'm ready to be dating? I wonder if I can handle having a man in my life full time.....if I COULD bring a man into my children lives. I've been out of my abusive relationship for 3 years and 7 months (yes I'm counting) and I still question if I'm ready....if my children are ready. Can I allow myself to open up to someone knowing that I might get hurt again? I sometimes wonder if I can even feel anymore? It's not that I don't want to because I do...I really do but it just seems like I have no emotion involved in any of it. At this point it is not even about men tearing down my walls as much as it is about Me tearing down my own walls.

Friday, September 2, 2011

Raising Hope......

With the Labor day holiday looming I guess Summer is finally coming to an end. The kids are back in school and Fall sports are beginning. I can hardly believe how much the kids have grown over this past year. My son has finally passed me up in height ...... one night he went to bed and the next morning I am looking up at him. How or when this happened I have no clue. It seems sometimes that life just has a way of passing us by without us even noticing. It seems like it was just yesterday I remember walking him to his first day of kindergarten. I don't know who was more scared him or myself. This time next year I will be taking him to his first day of high school and I'm sure I will be just as scared as I was his first day of kindergarten. I realize that they have to grow up and one day each one of them will move away. (I can only hope)

I wonder if this whole process is harder for single parents then married couples? These kids are my whole life and when they are grown and starting their own lives what will I be left with? I want the world for them and as hard as I'm sure it will be for me I want them to see the world. I read a quote the other day that said "I want my kids to have everything I could not give them....then I can go live with them!" LOL They are already fighting over who I am going to live with when I get really old (50)!

I've been so blessed to of had these three wonderful human being call me their mother. I sometimes wonder how I could of been so lucky. People often compliment me on how well behaved they are and I wonder to myself "Who my kids? Are you sure your talking about my kids?" They have their moments and get on my last nerve but then I guess that is normal for any child/parent relationship. They have been through so much in their short lives here on earth and I only hope that I have made the right decisions to help them move past that. I had a conversation just last night with my son. We were laying in my bed watching a TV show about kids who were getting in trouble and making bad decisions in their lives. Each of the children had a sad story about something that had happened to them. Most were from a single parent household and they used the excuse that one of their parents were not there for them. I looked at my son and said "Everyone has a story......a past......and excuse. It is up to you to choose what you do with what this world has given you. You can use it as an excuse to be nothing in life or you can use it to make a difference and be somebody. "

I really truly believe this that no matter where you come from or what you have been through we are all give the free will of choice. It is up to us to choose what we want our lives to look like. I pray that my kids will look back on their lives and be happy with the choices they made. Of course they are gonna make mistakes and that is a part of life but overall I want them to be proud of where they came from and what they have done with their lives. As for right now I will continue to raise them best way I know how and try to figure out a way to slow down the aging process so that they can stay my babies for just a little longer.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Dreaming.............

OK, I have no idea how long this post is gonna be but I have this overwhelming urge to write it down to get it out of my head so that maybe just maybe I can go to sleep. So here I am 11:30 at night in my pj's at my computer writing. I'm not sure what it is I need to write but it's there it's wanting to come out but I'm a little bit afraid of speaking it out loud. When I speak it then it's there and everyone knows it and if I don't do it or live up the the expectation then have I failed? Have I failed myself because I didn't do what I said I so badly want to do? This leads me to one of my biggest fears.....and oddly enough I really didn't realize it till today. It's funny how after so many years we can see clearly what has been there all along. I am AFRAID of disappointment! I'm afraid of disappointing my family. I'm afraid of disappointing my friends. I'm afraid of disappointing my co workers. I'm afraid of disappointing my kids, but most of all I'm afraid of disappointing myself.
I have gotten kinda of comfortable in these last few years and really have not set any new goals for my life. I kinda felt like I was at a standstill in my life and it occurred to me that maybe this is it. Maybe this is my life, maybe "THIS" is where I am going to spend the rest of my life. Not that "This" is a bad place, it's a place I can be comfortable and content in and not have to worry about disappointing anyone. I had a feeling that I wanted more, but was not quite sure what that more was. I didn't know anything else that I wanted to do with my life so therefore I started to think maybe the more that I wanted was not for me but for my kids. So that is when I started dreaming for their lives. Now I don't know if I'm the only mother that does this or if this is normal but I started to imagine all the things my kids were going to accomplish as they got older. I started to get excited for their lives. I think this is all well and good but the truth is I stopped dreaming for myself. I even had this very same conversation the other day with a friend and I remember my exact words. I said "I don't really have any dreams for my life. All the dreams I have are for my children's lives." Now I don't know why that didn't strike me then that something is wrong here and he didn't say anything either but it was not until tonight that I'm like.....No that's NOT a good thing Nicole. I stopped looking beyond where I am today to the possibilities of MY future. Where I am in my life right now is a Safe place for me. Now what I mean by safe place is that I know the people around me are proud and supportive of my life. People who meet me and learn my story and proud of where I am today. Therefore if I don't try to move out of this spot then I don't have to worry about failing or Disappointing anyone. (Pause deep breath.......the tears start to fall).
The truth is I do have a dream for my life beyond where I am today but somewhere along the way I have sort of pushed it way back and it got all covered up by everything else I was doing. It got covered up by the self doubt, by the disbelief that "I" could ever pull it off. It got covered up for the fear of not knowing what to do and falling flat on my face. Lately it has been slowly peeking it's head through all that debris I've covered it up with. There have been little signs in my life that have lit the flame once again. Slowly but surely I am starting to dream again. I have started to imagine what this dream could mean for my life. I started to vision myself living this dream. This does not mean that I quit dreaming for my kids it just means that now I am dreaming with them. I know they will accomplish their own dreams.....not the dreams that I have for them but the dreams they see for their lives. If they fail I will not love them any less and I have to believe that those people in my life that truly love me will not be disappointed if I don't..............(no not even going to say it) This brings to mind a quote that I hear quite often but until now have never applied it to my life.

There is no failure except in no longer trying.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Sexual Abuse

I have went back and forth over writing this blog entry. I think I have actually written it now three times and each time I delete it. It is such a delicate subject and I worry how people will interpret it. I worry that they will judge me for it and I worry that people will look at me......at my daughter differently. I worry that one day my daughter will find out and how that might make her feel. As I have thought about this I have come to the conclusion that just like everything else that I have talked about that this too would not get healed until I talked about it ...... until I choose to release it.
I have talked about the physical, emotional, economical and verbal abuse that I have went through in my relationship with my ex-husband but the one thing that is hardest to talk about was the sexual abuse. It is one of the hardest for people not only to talk about but to hear about. It's hard because this was a man that I loved and trusted. This was a man that I was married to. This is the man who fathered my two daughters. It's hard to talk about because obviously we had sex and majority of the time it was consensual sex. That is why it is hard to talk about because people question how your husband could sexually abuse you......how could he rape you when you have had consensual sex with him in the past? Well it is possible and the majority of the time it goes hand in hand with the physical abuse.
I was forced to go through "strip" searches in which he would examine my body for signs that I was cheating. I was humiliated as he would force me to strip down and then interrogate me about where I had been and who I had been with. What usually followed these strip searches was intercourse. Consensual intercourse? Well I guess that is in the eye of the beholder. Did I say no? Did I fight against him? In the beginning the answers were Yes.......Yes I said No......Yes I fought against him. It didn't matter he was gonna take what he wanted and I learned that if I didn't fight it would be over quicker and he would be done with me.
I remember one night in particular we were in a hotel room and he pulled one of his disappearing acts. He was gone for about 2 days and then showed up one late night. Without warning he drug me out of the bed I was sleeping in with my son and took me into the bathroom where he forced me to strip down under the bright lights so that he could get a good look at my body. If I had been sweating (usually my hair or between my legs) that meant that I had been having sex with someone else. I remembered the tears rolling down my face as he decided that I needed to be "FUCKED" since I was a whore. When he was done he left me in that bathroom alone to sleep on the cold floor.....because according to him that's what I deserved. A week later he put me, my son and baby girl on a bus back to my parents. About 3 weeks later I found out I was pregnant once again. I was embarrassed and humiliated and there was no way I could tell my family so I once again......pushed them away got back on a bus and went back to him. I didn't even tell them till months and months later that I was pregnant.
I was recently called by the Oprah Winfrey show about an email I wrote her about a show she did on spousal rape. I was asked if I would be willing to talk about the fact that my daughter was conceived during one of these instances. I told her no I was not willing to put my daughter in it because I was afraid of how it may one day make her feel. I love my daughter very much and my life would never have been whole without her. There was not a minute that I didn't love or want her. Some people will not agree with me talking about this now but the fact remains when I hold onto secrets they slowly kill me. It's not something I am proud of but just like the words to one of my favorite songs "God bless the broken road that lead me to you!" She is my blessing and I will not look at this any other way.
Women have to be able to talk about all the things they have went through in order to heal and I am a FIRM believer in that......no matter how dirty or ugly these things might be. Our reality is yes we went through this but look where I am now.......HE didn't win. I WON! I have the amazing and beautiful children. I am happy and my heart is pure. He can't hurt me anymore. I'm ready to move on from this even if some people are not ready to hear it....this is my voice and no one will ever again tell me I can't use it.
God Bless and Happy Easter.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Life Changing = Support

This whole week was pretty emotional. We attended a candlelight vigil to remember those who lost their lives to domestic violence and to honor those who have survived. There were 4 survivors that spoke each were at diffrent stages in their journey. One was a year out and another was just six weeks since she got away from her abuser. It helped me to remember that this is all a process and even though I've been out a little over three years now, it helps me understand that in three years from today I am still going to be processing it in a diffrent way but it is always going to be a part of me. I'm not really upset about that and I know that sounds a little strange but I like the person that I am today and I know that I am who I am because of my experiences so I cannot discount any of those events no matter how horrible they were.
The vigil was very good in the sense that there was a lot of support in that room. There was a family of a women who is not with us today and then there were women who are currently in the shelter now. It was just great to hear their support for one another. It helped to remind me that we are not in this alone that we don't have to go through this alone. Understanding that and learning that is just enormous and to a women who is still in the situation it can be life changing. I know coming into contact with other women in the shelter and survivors was simply life changing to me. It meant a lot that I could finally talk about my experiences and tell them my story and know that the people I was talking to understood and were not judging me and they had walked in my shoes. I remember when I first heard them tell their stories. I felt a closeness to them that is unexplainable. When they talked about their hurt I felt their hurt because I had been right their with them. I think that is just an overwhelming thing to survivors and to those who are still in it and THAT is the one thing if anything I can get across is that your not alone....We are not alone. Abusers try to make you feel so alone and they cut you off from everyone from any kind of support. If you can find that one person or group and just understand that you are not alone. That can help you start to rebuild and make yourself stronger so that when you are ready one day you can be strong enough to leave.
I understand what a dangerous thing it can be but getting those support groups out there and ensuring the safety of the women to be able to attend ......... it would be..........it could be........LIFE CHANGING!

Monday, September 27, 2010

I've been chosen!

I want to share with you something that I read. This short passage helped me and I wanted to share it with you.

"For many of us, it is hard to believe that we have been chosen. Our lives, the circumstances and conditions in which we live, make it very difficult to believe that we have a special purpose, a special place in god's heart. Even though it is hard to believe, it is true. The chosen have many tests and trials. They also have the chosen ability.

Just for today, allow yourself to believe you have been chosen. All of the experiences you have had were your training ground. If you are still here, you made it through. Every experience you thought was a bad experience was simply a test. Guess what? You passed! All the times you were down, you got up. All the things you could not do, got done. Everything you thought you messed up worked out anyway. Why? Because you have been chosen, and the chosen have a very special ability. It's called God". ~ Iyanla Vanzant

I think this is why I choose to share my life and my experiences though my blog and just in everyday life. I know that God brought me through this for some reason and it is not all for naught. I have to try and pass on to others what I have learned in hopes to save them from going through the same thing. I also share so that those who have never walked in my shoes can hopefully better understand the whys? I know that I am still being tested and I am growing. Each and every experience I go through I come out stronger and smarter. I think knowing that makes going through just a little easier.

Monday, August 30, 2010

Heros

I was laying in bed thinking....going back over the past 10 years of my life....of my children's lives. I realize that there is a little part of me that still hates myself. A part of me that is angry, mad and confused at everything that I allowed to happen. It's almost backwards but Im most upset and angry at myself and not at him. I hate what I have allowed my children to see and go through. I hate the hurt that I have caused the people who mean the most to me in my life. I'M ANGRY at ME!
I was asked to speak at a charity event some weeks ago. I was scared and excited all at the same time. It went better than I could of expected and I had some really important people there who shared it with me. I chose for whatever reason not to take my children to this event so when I got home I wanted to let them know how excited I was at the outcome. My two oldest children wanted me to read my speech to them and so I did. The speech included an incident that had happen that I spoke about here in my blog. It also spoke about how the charity had helped to save my life. When I was done reading my speech I looked up to see both my children with tears in their eyes. Had I made the wrong decision reading this to them? I didn't mean to cause them any hurt or pain. So I took this opportunity to sit down and talk to them about what it was they were feeling. I have that outlet here to get it out and yeah they have been through counseling but I never really felt like they have fully opened up about how they feel.

My daughter explained to me that she was crying because in my story I was bleeding and she was sad that I was hurt. She told me she was sorry that I was hurt and I just held her and told her I was ok now and that everything was gonna be ok. My son was a little harder to get to open up. He just stood there in front of me crying and all I could do was hold him till he was able to talk. He replayed to me a night that he remembered. As soon as he began to tell his story I knew exactly the night that he was speaking of. You see I remember every night.......I remember it all and I know there is A LOT that he remembers too. The night he spoke about William tried to take the kids from the house. I remember him making them get into the car in the garage. I took his keys because there was no way I was letting him leave with my children. He came after me in the house and as I threw his keys across the room he pushed me face first into the wall. He proceeded to find his keys while I got up and ran to the garage to get my children out the car.
I remember that night I remember bleeding holding my children in the yard so that he could not take them. I remember it and now I know my son does too.
I continued to let him get it out and after all the tears were gone I started to explain to both of them why I talk about what happened to us. I told them that I knew they were embarrassed and didn't want all their friend to know. I said to them........."What if one of your friends at school is going through exactly the same stuff you went though don't you think it would help him if he knew he wasn't alone that he had someone he could talk to about it that knew and understood exactly what he was going though?" I then said it's ok you guys don't have to talk about it with your friends but understand I talk about to to help others.
I also explained to them that nothing that happened was their fault and there was nothing they could of done. My son has often said he had wanted to do something but was to afraid. I looked him straight in his eyes and told him "YOU ARE MY HERO!" I looked at both of them and told them they were my hero's that they made me stronger and that I was sorry they had to go through that.

That was a rough night and I felt good and bad. Bad that I had made my children feel bad and cry but also good because we really had one of the best talks we have ever had. I'm proud of them. So here I am back looking at myself and angry at the time that they lost. At the memories that they are forced to live with. Sometimes I wish their little brains were like an Etch A Sketch and I could just shake em and erase it all. I just hope that I continue to make the right decisions and continue to help them to heal. I have so many angels in my life that continue to help me and I only hope to be that for them. After all they are my heros.

Friday, August 27, 2010

Guilt of the choice

Come, child. It's evening. Come to me

And sit with me once more.

Let's rock here while the others sleep.

Let's see-your brother's twelve;

The baby is seven years old now;

Your little sister's eight,

And I have not decided if I'll tell them about you.

And you, you would be thirteen this year.

I do not know your name.

The color of your eyes, or hair,

Or where, or how, to blame.

The fear was all, the fear of change,

For I saw change as loss.

Against my dreams, my plans, my life

You seemed so small a cost,

Not knowing how your presence

Altered how I felt and thought,

Not knowing how you changed me

In the mix the hormones brought.

And you were not a child to me

But sickness, pain, and fear-

But oh, I know, I know you now,

Now that these three are here!

Your scent, your weight within my arms,

Your head upon my breast-

I did not know these things when I decided what was best.

And I am lost and so confused

And don't know how to feel,

For you, who were an illness,

Every year become more real;

Your brother and your sisters,

They proclaim you as they grow.

They make it harder still to face

The coldest truth I know:

That knowing-feeling-only

What I knew and felt back then,

I cannot say I would not make

This saddest choice again.

Oh! My little lost unknown,

My first and neverborn,

Forgive the ignorance that sent you

To the dark, unmourned!

And no, it isn't every day

I find your shadow here;

Most times I'm far too busy

For reflection or for tears,

But sometimes, when the children sleep

And I have time alone,

I sit down in the dark, and rock,

And bring my baby home.

Monday, August 2, 2010

A seed is Planted!

I was asked about a month ago if I would be willing to speak at a charity event for the shelter me and the kids were in when I left my abuser. The idea excited me and scared me at the same time. I want to talk about my story I want to help others and at this point this is the only way I know how. So while I was excited for the change to get to do this I was terrified as I SUCK at public speaking. So I sat down to write what I was going to say and I just went blank. What am I gonna say to a room full of strangers? Would they even care what I had to say? Would they judge me.....look down on me? I had to look past all of that and understand that if just one person in that room would hear my story and be touched or relate in some small way then that would be worth it to me. You see I'm a nobody.....I've been used to being a nobody my whole life but if I know anything it's that there is a reason for everything. God let me go through what I went through for a reason. He brought me through for a reason. He gave me a story to tell and this is my purpose.
So I started to write about me......a subject I know all to well.
So the night came that I was to "deliver" my speech. I put on a basic black dress as I knew most people at this charity even would be dressed up and I didn't wanna stand out. I had invited several people to attend and was thankful when a group of ladies joined me from work. I took the mic in my hand and I stood before a room of at least 100 people shaking in my pretty high heels. I was sort of in a haze throughout the entire speech but I did it. After I was finished I let our a deep sigh of relief that it was over. I was proud of myself I had go through it......I did it but would probably NEVER do that again! Well that was until I started having women come up to be wanting to shake my hand ....... give me a hug .......... or just simply wanting to say "Thank You!" I really had no idea what type of impact my words could have on other people. Strangers at that. When I left that event I was so proud of myself and I had finally realized that maybe.....just maybe I COULD make a difference....That I did have purpose and so the seed was planted.

Friday, June 18, 2010

3 Years and counting

The day is coming up......the day it was finally ended. It ended my nightmare or so I thought. Truth is the nightmare was not over, it was just the beginning of a long hard journey back. Back to me back to some sort of normality in my life. July 4, 2007. I guess because it falls on a holiday I will never forget that date. I had let him back into our lives yet once again. It didn't take long before he started screwing up again and making my life hell. Soon he started to disappear for days and I knew it would not be long before it would end again. We would fight and I would kick him out. That is the way I thought it would go. Up to this point he had not laid a hand on me in over 2 years. Well that streak would end on this early July 4th morning. He had been gone and unreachable for two days when he returned to my home at about 3am in the morning. I remember hearing him come into the house......lights came on and I barely got the chance to sit up when he grabbed me by my hair and pulled me out the bed to the floor and down the hallway. Like he was a caveman or something. My daughters slept downstairs that night and my son just happened to be in the room next to mine. At least William had enough sense to close the bedroom door where my son was sleeping. So at least he didn't see what was happening to his mother but the door could not keep the screams from breaking through. I pried myself from him grasp and ran back to my room and positioned myself in the corner of the room on the floor prepared for whatever was about to come my way. Here I was ........ once again in my fetal position that I knew all to well. TWO YEARS.....TWO YEARS ...... How after so long was I right back here?? I had came so far and it took a blink of an eye to be right back there....falling back into that dark hole.
William came back and forth to the room each time either kicking or hitting me in the head. At one point with his hands around my throat I was able to look at him in his eyes only to find he was not there. He was yelling about something that made absolutely no sense to me. Then again it never did when he went off. He was high, drunk who knows. He was no longer William. That is when something inside of me snapped. He was gonna kill me. That is all that I thought to myself.....He is gonna kill me and not even know he did it.
I immediately entered into the fight or flight mode and started to think of ways to get out of there to get help....I knew that I could not fight him off and getting help was my only chance. Where is my phone? I gotta get to my phone!! I remembered for some reason I had plugged it in to the charger in the kitchen. The next time he came into the room I decided to follow him when he left the room. The whole time I'm trying to talk to him trying to calm him down. I knew that I couldn't do it but it was a distraction from what my real motive was. To get to my phone. I was able to grab my phone and run to my room and I dialed 911 just as he jumped on my back grabbed the phone and broke it in half. After a few more blows to my head he left the room once again and I scampered on the bottom of my closet. MAYBE the call went through.....Maybe they will try to call back and just send an officer out to check it out.....Maybe I can just wait it out till they come.....they will come......wont they?
Truth was they were not coming If I waited they would find me dead. What now .... what can I do now? Across the room I saw the keys to the house that must have fallen out of William's pocket during one of his attacks. On the key ring was the house alarm remote. New plan......I had to time it just right or he would stop me. I took a couple more attacks then just as he left the room I grabbed the keys and ran across the hall to the bedroom where my son was. Closed the door and positioned myself between the wall and the door to hold it shut. I pushed the key remote alarm and set the house alarm. I started yelling to my son "OPEN THE WINDOW.......OPEN THE WINDOW!!! NOWWWW! At this point William is breaking through the door and my foot has gone through the wall. He is yelling at my son to not open it. Luckily my son opened the window which automatically set off the house alarm. William continued to try and break through the door. I was afraid for my son...I couldn't let William get to him. Did I just put him in Danger. I yelled for my son to bust out the screen......"GO OUT THE WINDOW.....GO GO GET HELP! Out the window he went into the dark.
William stopped coming through the door and I heard the house phone ring. I knew he had to answer it or the police were gonna come. I ran out the room and waited for him to answer the phone at which point I started to scream. After I was sure they heard me I ran out the back door to find my son and get help. We knocked and pounded on neighbors door and in my neighborhood people just don't answer their doors late at night. So no one came to the door. William knew the police were coming so as my son and I watched from across the street he got in the car and left.

I wish I could say it ended there but that was not the end of it, but the worst of it was over. He was out of our lives and has been out of our lives for the last 3 years. I was left to once again pick up the pieces to rebuild a home where my children might once again feel safe and secure. Sure it took time but we have done just that. Once again the anniversary of that date is upon us and I can't help but relive that night. It gets easier and easier each year and I am starting to look at this date as a beginning and not and ending.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Moving On….???

Moving on……………..What do those words really mean. Sure you fall down you get back up and keep going. One step forward and two steps back. Does moving on mean leaving things behind or do you carry them with you? Can you really leave the past in the past or is it forever a part of who you are? I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons. Or have I? Who really knows exactly what we need to do to move on? Am I finally content with a past I regret? I feel that I am at peace with myself and who I am or am I just tricking myself into thinking that. I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long. I'm ready to move on. I've moved on or at least I think that I am. As far as my everyday life I am good. I am content with who I am and how I am raising my kids. The part of my life that I'm not really sure about is relationships. Relationships with men. I keep telling myself I'm ready but at the same time the thought of a serious relationship scares the crap out of me. I don't know if I can fully let my guard down to trust someone and not question their every motive. I like the idea of falling in love but up to this point I'm just getting up to falling into extreme like. Besides those words still echo in my head…."Who is gonna want you? Your fat and have three kids. Nobody wants someone with three kids!! You will never have another man around MY children!!"

I know that those things are not true but the thoughts are there I still hear those words that were said and yelled at me over and over and over again. Being in an abusive relationship is kinda like being brain washed. Once you are out of it you have to retrain your mind to what the truth really is and even though we retrain our minds the old "JUNK" as I like to call it, is still there, still haunting us. It's all about what we choose to listen to and believe. Sure on the good days it's easy to look at myself in the mirror and say "Your beautiful and any man would be LUCKY to have you in their life." On the not so good days ….. well you get my point. So they say that healing takes time. Ok well how much time exactly because that whole statement is pretty vague and I do better with exact terms Problem with that is there is never an exact answer.

Below are some things that I came across in my reading that I felt were somewhat helpful.


Remember that moving on is the end goal – Expressing your feelings will liberate you in a way, but it is important not to dwell on the negative feelings or to over-analyze the situation. Getting stuck in hurtful feelings like blame, anger and resentment will rob you of valuable energy and prevent you from healing and moving forward.


Remind yourself that you still have a future. When you commit to another person, you create many hopes and dreams. It's hard to let these dreams go. As you grieve the loss of the future you once envisioned, be encouraged by the fact that new hopes and dreams will eventually replace your old ones.

So what I take away from this is moving on is what is needed to grow and moving on means leaving the past in the past and refocusing on my future. So what is in my future? Who knows? I do know that I am ok with me. I am ok with the person that I am. I believe that I can and will be ok without having a man in my life. Now whether or not someone else will be ok with the person that I am….well that is yet to be determined. I have to worry about my happiness and if something does not make me happy then I HAVE to cut it out of my life. I've wasted to many years in negativity and loss. I have a future and I guess not knowing what that future holds is scary. Hell I know I'm not any different from anyone else. I guess I just like knowing that there is someone out there for me. There is someone that can accept me and my children and also accept the baggage that comes with being in a relationship with me. I know I have a lot to give and I know it's not all good. Guess everyone carries their own baggage, just feel like sometimes mine is a little heavier than I'd like it to be. So the answer to my original question is Yes I guess so. I guess I am moving on. I am doing what is needed of myself to move on to move past the hurt and resentment. I am not sure whether or not three years is enough time or not but then I guess it's an ongoing process and everyday is another pebble in the sand.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Sleep Through The Pain

I wasn't going to do this but I need to. I need to let it go....I need to get it out. This Blog entry is different. Different in the aspect that all of the past entries I have written about past events and the way things were. Well here I am in the present. I am present in this moment in this time in this place. My abuser was released from jail a few weeks ago. He is out. He is walking the same streets I am walking. He is looking at the same sky that I look at everyday and I am forced to deal with how I feel about that. I share my emotions pretty well here on my blog but in real life in face to face conversation I have to the the strong one. I HAVE to be the confident one. I can handle this just fine! He is out, so what! I really love it when people try to tell me how I am supposed to feel or how I should handle this situation. Nothing make me more angry because they were not there, they didn't look into his eyes to see nothing, no soul no heart no conscience. They didn't hear the empty threats that I took VERY seriously.
So how DO I FEEL? Truth is I am VERY upset, sick to my stomach and once again waiting for the ball to drop. I'm not scared of him, but I know that it is just a matter of time before we come face to face. It's gonna happen and until it does I feel like someone is sitting on my chest. It's hard to breath.......I've been here before this place is very familiar to me. You have no idea what the last 3 years have meant to me. I was able to BREATH.....I was able to EXHALE! I was able to live my life again without limits the world was mine to discover with a freedom I didn't have for so many years.
People try to tell me about his intentions and how he has changed but I say BULLSHIT! I say that will not happen in 3 years, 6 years or even 10 years. Everyone is SAVED when they come out of jail. You know how many times I fell for that line. How many times I took him back......How many times I picked him up from the jail to hear all the promises? Promises are empty! His words are Empty to me. I HATE HIM! I DO NOT FORGIVE HIM and DONT TELL ME I SHOULD! DON'T you DARE tell me how to feel or what to do with this!
I feel threatened! I feel scared for my children! Yes I do. I'm pretty up front with my kids and we discuss almost everything so yes I told them he was out so that we could talk about it so they could work their feelings out about how this made them feel. I wasn't going to wait till the just popped up and let them be surprised. A few night ago Kiah came to be a little after bed time and said "Mommy I can't sleep because I'm scared." I told her there was nothing to be scared of and to go back to bed. She then said "You want to know what I'm scared of?" So I entertained her and asked. "I'm scared that Daddy is gonna come to my window." Now I realized that she was not just trying to get out of going to bed I sat down with her and explained that he would not do that. He does not want you hurt or scare you. You do not have to worry about that. Daddy is not going to hurt you. She then looked at me and said "What about you? What if he wants to hurt you?" After a long pause and a very deep breath I told her to not worry that we are safe....we are all safe here. Kissed her goodnight and left the room before she could see the tears start to fall.
I will get through this just like I have everything else and I will come out ok and my children will come out ok because I have an angel that watches over me. My angle carried me for many years. She then walked beside me until recently and now she walks behind me in case I should fall she will be there to catch me. Now it is always there.....even when I sleep it is there. So now I sleep through the pain until I wake up and this nightmare is over.