I'm sure most of you have heard the story about Ray Rice and his now wife. I'm not going to go into details about the case as I'm sure most of you know or have seen the elevator video at some point. If you have not you can click on the video here and watch it for yourself.
I will admit that the video is shocking and most people were even more shocked at how he acted like nothing happened. Kicking and dragging her out of the elevator. I was not as shocked by this as most people I talked to. Having been in similar situations I understand the lack of concern and coldness that an abuser can have towards their victim. His only one true worry was about himself and getting caught.
There were a lot of posts on social media and I found myself reading a lot of what people had to say. People's comments shocked me more than what Ray Rice actually did. I was sickened by the lack of compassion people had for this woman. People were bashing and blaming her. They were holding her responsible because she did in fact marry him after this incident occurred. I read comment after comment that she must like being beat if she married him, calling her a gold digger and some even blamed her because she pushed him first. Reading these comments made it very clear as to why MOST women don't report domestic violence. Victim Bashing????? Really is this the world we live in? People do not understand the hold that an abuser has over their victims. Most people think it is as easy as opening and walking out the door. What people don't realize is that when a victim decides to make that move and break away it is the most dangerous time of all. This is the time when most women are killed by their abuser.
This brings me to the point of why now four years later I have decided to write in my blog again. A name most of you have probably never heard Kristin Florio-Gile was shot and killed this past weekend by her husband. You have probably never heard her name because unlike Janay Rice she is not famous. She was just a woman who was trying to escape and abusive marriage. She was trying to get out and was doing everything she could to get out and to leave. She called the police, she pressed charges, she filed for a PFA (protection from Abuse) order. She left and then she was shot to death..........Why? So why don't women "Just leave?" Think about Kristin, think about her six children who will no longer have a mother and then ask that question again. So why don't women just leave?
I didn't know Kristin personally or her family but I have thought about her a lot these last few days. This morning I thought about how her parents had to wake up and get their six grandchildren dressed, fed, loaded into vehicles and taken to the church to bury their mother. They have to be strong for their grandchildren while laying their daughter to rest. How does a parent do that? Is that even humanly possible?
Then as I sit here writing this looking out my window at the Sun shining......something that has not happened in almost a week I think about Kristin. I think about how beautiful it is outside today and I can't help but think she had something to do with this. Knowing her babies, her parents, her family and friends would be gathering today to celebrate her life she asked god to let her shine down on all of them so that maybe they could feel her warmth and know she was ok. Know that she will no longer have to live in fear and is safe in god's arms.
Kristin's story is not unique and statistic tell us that nearly three women are killed everyday.......EVERYDAY by their intimate partner. So just imagine Kristin's story and imagine that happening three times everyday in your lifetime. So why don't we just leave? Why do we put up with the abuse? Simple answers is because like most people we don't want to die. I'm not advocating for women to stay but maybe for some of you that "Don't Get It" to wake up......to step up......to get involved. I am one of the lucky ones, but I could of very well not have been. I wanted to post a picture of Krisitin and her children but I didn't feel like I had the right to do that. I wanted to post her picture because she should be the face we see across national news stations. Her story and those of the thousands of women who are killed every year are the stories we should hear and until that happens we are not going to make a difference. Parents will continue to bury their daughters and children will continue to lose their mothers.
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Living.......
So this past weekend I got a little inspiration from a few friends to keep writing in my blog. I guess I have not written in awhile because I think I have pretty much told my story, but as my friends made me realize that my story is not over. I've shared a lot about my past with my ex husband and I know that my story has reached a lot of people which is exactly what I wanted to accomplish with this. I wanted women to read my story and know that they were not alone in their struggles that we are never alone. That feeling of isolation and "Being Alone" is one of the most powerful emotions I felt during those years. Even though we may not physically be alone we still feel isolated in the fact that no one could ever understand what we are going through. I knew it would take a lot of years to heal but I never thought that I would feel about my past the way I do today. I used to carry my past like a scar. Something I would look at ....... something that would never go away.......and I would feel sad about that scar. At some point I can't tell you when or how it happened but I actually look at my past with dignity and I carry it as a badge of honor no longer a scar. I realize that what I went through although as painful as it was made me stronger and a better person today. It might sound sadistic to some but I'm proud of how I have come out of that situation. I have no problem talking about the things that happened to me and I sometimes feel that it makes other people more uncomfortable than it does me. I often joke about the fact that I have such a poor memory and contribute it to being hit in the head one to many times. Yes I know that it is no joke what I went through but after so many years of the "Whoa Poor Me" story telling I just feel that making lite of it today helps keep me out of that state of mind. I no longer feel like that poor, sad, hopeless girl that I was so identifying with those emotions is becoming harder for me. I guess it is true that time does heal all wounds.
I wish I could tell you the magic cure that got me to this place but I'm not exactly sure. I have the most wonderful and loving family. They have played a big part in my healing. I have a support system that is filled with people I know I can turn to whenever I need without judgement. Knowing that I can and may stumble and fall is ok because I know they will be there for me. I have true friends that believe in me and have never left my side. Then there are my children whom are the most wonderful human beings on this planet. They continue to give me support and courage to get through every struggle. Their unconditional love can take me through any storm. Lastly I would say that giving my story a voice has helped tremendously. Being able to talk about what I went through and to have my story heard has helped me to heal. Knowing that I don't have to hold onto this burden and can let it go has lifted a weight from my shoulders. My past no longer holds me back or slows me down but pushes me forward in life. I want to thank each and everyone of you that reads my blog.....you have helped me. I owe you my deepest gratitude.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Catholic Charities
This was filmed a few years ago and I am so proud of the story they told. I am thankful to the people who are in my life and who have contributed to the life I have today. I am extremely thankful to Catholic Charities because I truly believe that they helped save my life. I know that what they do is a thankless job and to each and every person who touched my life along they way I owe you my deepest gratitude. I know every journey begins with one simple step and Catholic Charities helped get me started on this journey.
THANK YOU and GOD BLESS EACH AND EVERYONE OF YOU!
(This is a horrible picture ugggg)
THANK YOU and GOD BLESS EACH AND EVERYONE OF YOU!
(This is a horrible picture ugggg)
Thursday, March 1, 2012
7 Times
Recently in the headlines we have seen a lot about the rumor that Rhianna is back with Chris Brown. There is a lot of talk and opinions going around about this subject and although I have had my own opinions on the matter I've not said anything till now. Like with any emotional subject I always think that it is best to give it time and to really think through how you feel before just opening your mouth and spewing out opinions in the heat of the moment. Over the past few weeks my opinion on this matter has actually changed somewhat and it is only now that I think I have a clear opinion on the whole thing. I started out as most with just plain disgust and turning my nose up at Rhianna and asking the question like "How could she be so stupid?" and "What message does this send to our younger generation?" I now realize that I was viewing this subject as an outsider as someone from the general public, someone who has never been in this sort of situation herself. I understand how I and other people could make these statements and judge her for her actions.
However, now as I am writing this I am looking at Rhianna through the eyes of a survivor. I understand why and how if the rumor is true that she could go back to Chris. I know because I am now educated to the issue of domestic violence that the average woman goes back to her abuser 7 times. 7TIMES!! She is no longer a pop icon in my eyes but a battered woman who is making the choice to return to her abuser. I don't know if she has had and therapy or counseling after what she went through, but even if she has it does not make it any easier for her. Just like an alcoholic will always be an alcoholic ...... Rhianna will always be an abused woman. She will have that weakness when it comes to Chris just as an alcoholic has with alcohol. I can't tell you exactly what she is thinking but I can make a pretty good guess. You can bet that these are the sort of statements she is saying to herself....."He has not hit me or anyone else in over 3 years!" "He has taken anger management classes and I know that he can control himself now" "He is the only man I will ever lover and will ever love me." "Maybe he is different, maybe our situation is different, maybe he CAN change!"
I know this because I have walked in her shoes......I have spoken will many other women who have stood where she stands and where I have stood. It is always the same situation all that changes are the names. I was separated from him for almost 3 years and once again I let him back in my life. In stead of judging Rhianna I am fearful for her as the situation is never different and I hope for her sake that this is all just that a rumor.
For me it is going on 5 years that I have been out but still to this day I know that I do not and cannot be in the same room with that man. Someone recently asked me if I saw him again what would I say and my response was....."I'd turn and walk the other way!"
However, now as I am writing this I am looking at Rhianna through the eyes of a survivor. I understand why and how if the rumor is true that she could go back to Chris. I know because I am now educated to the issue of domestic violence that the average woman goes back to her abuser 7 times. 7TIMES!! She is no longer a pop icon in my eyes but a battered woman who is making the choice to return to her abuser. I don't know if she has had and therapy or counseling after what she went through, but even if she has it does not make it any easier for her. Just like an alcoholic will always be an alcoholic ...... Rhianna will always be an abused woman. She will have that weakness when it comes to Chris just as an alcoholic has with alcohol. I can't tell you exactly what she is thinking but I can make a pretty good guess. You can bet that these are the sort of statements she is saying to herself....."He has not hit me or anyone else in over 3 years!" "He has taken anger management classes and I know that he can control himself now" "He is the only man I will ever lover and will ever love me." "Maybe he is different, maybe our situation is different, maybe he CAN change!"
I know this because I have walked in her shoes......I have spoken will many other women who have stood where she stands and where I have stood. It is always the same situation all that changes are the names. I was separated from him for almost 3 years and once again I let him back in my life. In stead of judging Rhianna I am fearful for her as the situation is never different and I hope for her sake that this is all just that a rumor.
For me it is going on 5 years that I have been out but still to this day I know that I do not and cannot be in the same room with that man. Someone recently asked me if I saw him again what would I say and my response was....."I'd turn and walk the other way!"
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Dating .....children NOT included!
Not really sure where I am going to go with this post but I have a lot going on in my mind right now so bare with me as I try to explain it in a way that is easy to understand. There is an issue that has been bothering me for some time but I have chosen not to talk about it as I was afraid to step on some people's toes but it is a topic I feel very compassionate about. I actually take pride in the fact that I don't really shield my children from the world or sensor to much with them. Some people would not agree with this approach with parenting but then everyone is entitled to their opinion. Just like you I have an opinion on raising children and I am about to share that here. Even though I pride in the non sensor ship that takes place in my home there is one thing that I do continue to shield my children from and that would be my relationships with other men. I don't agree with and never have agreed with having your children around men that you are casually dating or what ever you call it. I think we as adults have a hard enough time dealing with the emotional aspects of being in a relationship and asking our children to engage in that is just plain MAD! I can count on one hand the number of men that I have let into my home and around my children. One I have known for over 15 years and the other is one of my best friends. At the same time that these men were around my children they had no idea that I was engaged in a relationship with these men.
I have had this talk with my children and they know that I am dating but they are also aware that they will not be meeting anyone until it gets to be serious and when I say serious I mean months into the relationship. I would never ask my children to have to deal with the emotions that come along with a broken relationship. I think we downplay how quickly children can get attached to another man. This point was made very clear to me just the other night while having what I thought was a playful conversation with my 10 year old daughter. My daughter asked me if I ever wanted to get married again. I thought about it and said no probably not and she seemed distressed by this answer. I jokingly made the statement that she was just upset cuz she wanted to be in a wedding or be a bridesmaid. She turned her face away from me and when I turned her face back to mine I could see her eyes welling up with tears. She then made a statment that will be forever engraved in my memory......."I just wanna know what it's like to have a daddy." With that we both started to cry. So you can say what you want but I would never "dangle" that dream in front of her without knowing it was a real possibility.
I'm not going to tell other women how to raise their children but I just really wish they would think twice about this one thing as I think it can affect a child for life. I don't know if my daughter will ever get her wish but I can tell you this that I am not out looking for someone to fulfill this wish. I am going to continue to date and if the guy does not meet the qualities I feel are necessary to be a good father then there is no need to go any further with it. I mean why can't women just date???? Why does every relationship we have with men have to be serious and why does he have to always be "THE ONE!" I can date and still be a good mother. A man will not take me away from my children and they will always be my first priority but I am also entitled to my free time.
Ok that is all I have to say on this matter.
I have had this talk with my children and they know that I am dating but they are also aware that they will not be meeting anyone until it gets to be serious and when I say serious I mean months into the relationship. I would never ask my children to have to deal with the emotions that come along with a broken relationship. I think we downplay how quickly children can get attached to another man. This point was made very clear to me just the other night while having what I thought was a playful conversation with my 10 year old daughter. My daughter asked me if I ever wanted to get married again. I thought about it and said no probably not and she seemed distressed by this answer. I jokingly made the statement that she was just upset cuz she wanted to be in a wedding or be a bridesmaid. She turned her face away from me and when I turned her face back to mine I could see her eyes welling up with tears. She then made a statment that will be forever engraved in my memory......."I just wanna know what it's like to have a daddy." With that we both started to cry. So you can say what you want but I would never "dangle" that dream in front of her without knowing it was a real possibility.
I'm not going to tell other women how to raise their children but I just really wish they would think twice about this one thing as I think it can affect a child for life. I don't know if my daughter will ever get her wish but I can tell you this that I am not out looking for someone to fulfill this wish. I am going to continue to date and if the guy does not meet the qualities I feel are necessary to be a good father then there is no need to go any further with it. I mean why can't women just date???? Why does every relationship we have with men have to be serious and why does he have to always be "THE ONE!" I can date and still be a good mother. A man will not take me away from my children and they will always be my first priority but I am also entitled to my free time.
Ok that is all I have to say on this matter.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)