Catholic Charities

This was filmed a few years ago and I am so proud of the story they told.  I am thankful to the people who are in my life and who have contributed to the life I have today.  I am extremely thankful to Catholic Charities because I truly believe that they helped save my life.  I know that what they do is a thankless job and to each and every person who touched my life along they way I owe you my deepest gratitude.  I know every journey begins with one simple step and Catholic Charities helped get me started on this journey.  

THANK YOU and GOD BLESS EACH AND EVERYONE OF YOU!

(This is a horrible picture ugggg)

7 Times

Recently in the headlines we have seen a lot about the rumor that Rhianna is back with Chris Brown.  There is a lot of talk and opinions going around about this subject and although I have had my own opinions on the matter I've not said anything till now.  Like with any emotional subject I always think that it is best to give it time and to really think through how you feel before just opening your mouth and spewing out opinions in the heat of the moment.  Over the past few weeks my opinion on this matter has actually changed somewhat and it is only now that I think I have a clear opinion on the whole thing.  I started out as most with just plain disgust and turning my nose up at Rhianna and asking the question like "How could she be so stupid?" and "What message does this send to our younger generation?"  I now realize that I was viewing this subject as an outsider as someone from the general public, someone who has never been in this sort of situation herself.  I understand how I and other people could make these statements and judge her for her actions.
However, now as I am writing this I am looking at Rhianna through the eyes of a survivor.  I understand why and how if the rumor is true that she could go back to Chris.  I know because I am now educated to the issue of domestic violence that the average woman goes back to her abuser 7 times.  7TIMES!!  She is no longer a pop icon in my eyes but a battered woman who is making the choice to return to her abuser.  I don't know if she has had and therapy or counseling after what she went through, but even if she has it does not make it any easier for her.  Just like an alcoholic will always be an alcoholic ...... Rhianna will always be an abused woman.  She will have that weakness when it comes to Chris just as an alcoholic has with alcohol.  I can't tell you exactly what she is thinking but I can make a pretty good guess. You can bet that these are the sort of statements she is saying to herself....."He has not hit me or anyone else in over 3 years!"  "He has taken anger management classes and I know that he can control himself now"  "He is the only man I will ever lover and will ever love me."  "Maybe he is different, maybe our situation is different, maybe he CAN change!"

I know this because I have walked in her shoes......I have spoken will many other women who have stood where she stands and where I have stood.  It is always the same situation all that changes are the names.  I was separated from him for almost 3 years and once again I let him back in my life.  In stead of judging Rhianna I am fearful for her as the situation is never different and I hope for her sake that this is all just that a rumor.

For me it is going on 5 years that I have been out but still to this day I know that I do not and cannot be in the same room with that man.  Someone recently asked me if I saw him again what would I say and my response was....."I'd turn and walk the other way!"

Dating .....children NOT included!

Not really sure where I am going to go with this post but I have a lot going on in my mind right now so bare with me as I try to explain it in a way that is easy to understand.  There is an issue that has been bothering me for some time but I have chosen not to talk about it as I was afraid to step on some people's toes but it is a topic I feel very compassionate about.  I actually take pride in the fact that I don't really shield my children from the world or sensor to much with them.  Some people would not agree with this approach with parenting but then everyone is entitled to their opinion.  Just like you I have an opinion on raising children and I am about to share that here.  Even though I pride in the non sensor ship that takes place in my home there is one thing that I do continue to shield my children from and that would be my relationships with other men.  I don't agree with and never have agreed with having your children around men that you are casually dating or what ever you call it.  I think we as adults have a hard enough time dealing with the emotional aspects of being in a relationship and asking our children to engage in that is just plain MAD!  I can count on one hand the number of men that I have let into my home and around my children.  One I have known for over 15 years and the other is one of my best friends.  At the same time that these men were around my children they had no idea that I was engaged in a relationship with these men.

I have had this talk with my children and they know that I am dating but they are also aware that they will not be meeting anyone until it gets to be serious and when I say serious I mean months into the relationship.  I would never ask my children to have to deal with the emotions that come along with a broken relationship.  I think we downplay how quickly children can get attached to another man.   This point was made very clear to me just the other night while having what I thought was a playful conversation with my 10 year old daughter.  My daughter asked me if I ever wanted to get married again.  I thought about it and said no probably not and she seemed distressed by this answer.  I jokingly made the statement that she was just upset cuz she wanted to be in a wedding or be a bridesmaid.  She turned her face away from me and when I turned her face back to mine I could see her eyes welling up with tears.  She then made a statment that will be forever engraved in my memory......."I just wanna know what it's like to have a daddy."  With that we both started to cry.  So you can say what you want but I would never "dangle" that dream in front of her without knowing it was a real possibility.
I'm not going to tell other women how to raise their children but I just really wish they would think twice about this one thing as I think it can affect a child for life.  I don't know if my daughter will ever get her wish but I can tell you this that I am not out looking for someone to  fulfill this wish.  I am going to continue to date and if the guy does not meet the qualities I feel are necessary to be a good father then there is no need to go any further with it.  I mean why can't women just date????  Why does every relationship we have with men have to be serious and why does he have to always be "THE ONE!"  I can date and still be a good mother.  A man will not take me away from my children and they will always be my first priority but I am also entitled to my free time.
Ok that is all I have to say on this matter.

A Look Back.......

Sometimes we need to remind ourselves how far we have come.  Every October I attend a candle light vigil at the very shelter that me and my kids entered when I left my abuser.  We honor those who have survived and remember those who have lost the battle to domestic violence.  I enjoy it because I get to see my advocate that I had while in shelter.  She was my rock and my support through one of the hardest times of my life.  She calls me her success story but I don't know if I would of been a success had it not been for her compassion and dedication to help me and my kids.  She will always hold a special place in my heart.  On the most recent visit she gave me an envelope with this  article.   It seems like so many light years ago.  As I always say to be successful in the future we must remember where we came from.

Question......

Is it normal to question every move .... every decision we make?  I often wonder if I'm ready to be dating?  I wonder if I can handle having a man in my life full time.....if I COULD bring a man into my children lives.  I've been out of my abusive relationship for 3 years and 7 months (yes I'm counting) and I still question if I'm ready....if my children are ready.  Can I allow myself to open up to someone knowing that I might get hurt again?  I sometimes wonder if I can even feel anymore?  It's not that I don't want to because I do...I really do but it just seems like I have no emotion involved in any of it.  At this point it is not even about men tearing down my walls as much as it is about Me tearing down my own walls.

Raising Hope......

With the Labor day holiday looming I guess Summer is finally coming to an end.  The kids are back in school and Fall sports are beginning.  I can hardly believe how much the kids have grown over this past year.  My son has finally passed me up in height ...... one night he went to bed and the next morning I am looking up at him.  How or when this happened I have no clue.  It seems sometimes that life just has a way of passing us by without us even noticing.  It seems like it was just yesterday I remember walking him to his first day of kindergarten.  I don't know who was more scared him or myself.  This time next year I will be taking him to his first day of high school and I'm sure I will be just as scared as I was his first day of kindergarten.  I realize that they have to grow up and one day each one of them will move away.  (I can only hope)  

I wonder if this whole process is harder for single parents then married couples?  These kids are my whole life and when they are grown and starting their own lives what will I be left with?  I want the world for them and as hard as I'm sure it will be for me I want them to see the world.  I read a quote the other day that said "I want my kids to have everything I could not give them....then I can go live with them!"  LOL  They are already fighting over who I am going to live with when I get really old (50)!  

I've been so blessed to of had these three wonderful human being call me their mother.  I sometimes wonder how I could of been so lucky.  People often compliment me on how well behaved they are and I wonder to myself "Who my kids?  Are you sure your talking about my kids?"  They have their moments and get on my last nerve but then I guess that is normal for any child/parent relationship.  They have been through so much  in their short lives here on earth and I only hope that I have made the right decisions to help them move past that.  I had a conversation just last night with my son.  We were laying in my bed watching a TV show about kids who were getting in trouble and making bad decisions in their lives.  Each of the children had a sad story about something that had happened to them.  Most were from a single parent household and they used the excuse that one of their parents were not there for them.  I looked at my son and said "Everyone has a story......a past......and excuse.  It is up to you to choose what you do with what this world has given you.  You can use it as an excuse to be nothing in life or you can use it to make a difference and be somebody. "  

I really truly believe this that no matter where you come from or what you have been through we are all give the free will of choice.  It is up to us to choose what we want our lives to look like. I pray that my kids will look back on their lives and be happy with the choices they made.  Of course they are gonna make mistakes and that is a part of life but overall I want them to be proud of where they came from and what they have done with their lives.  As for right now I will continue to raise them best way I know how and try to figure out a way to slow down the aging process so that they can stay my babies for just a little longer. 

Dreaming.............

OK, I have no idea how long this post is gonna be but I have this overwhelming urge to write it down to get it out of my head so that maybe just maybe I can go to sleep.  So here I am 11:30 at night in my pj's at my computer writing.  I'm not sure what it is I need to write but it's there it's wanting to come out but I'm a little bit afraid of speaking it out loud.  When I speak it then it's there and everyone knows it and if I don't do it or live up the the expectation then have I failed?  Have I failed myself because I didn't do what I said I so badly want to do?  This leads me to one of my biggest fears.....and oddly enough I really didn't realize it till today.  It's funny how after so many years we can see clearly what has been there all along.  I am AFRAID of disappointment!  I'm afraid of disappointing my family.  I'm afraid of disappointing my friends.  I'm afraid of disappointing my co workers.  I'm afraid of disappointing my kids, but most of all I'm afraid of disappointing myself. 
I have gotten kinda of comfortable in these last few years and really have not set any new goals for my life.  I kinda felt like I was at a standstill in my life and it occurred to me that maybe this is it.  Maybe this is my life, maybe "THIS" is where I am going to spend the rest of my life.  Not that "This" is a bad place, it's a place I can be comfortable and content in and not have to worry about disappointing anyone.  I had a feeling that I wanted more, but was not quite sure what that more was.  I didn't know anything else that I wanted to do with my life so therefore I started to think maybe the more that I wanted was not for me but for my kids.  So that is when I started dreaming for their lives.  Now I don't know if I'm the only mother that does this or if this is normal but I started to imagine all the things my kids were going to accomplish as they got older. I started to get excited for their lives.  I think this is all well and good but the truth is I stopped dreaming for myself.  I even had this very same conversation the other day with a friend and I remember my exact words.  I said "I don't really have any dreams for my life.  All the dreams I have are for my children's lives."  Now I don't know why that didn't strike me then that something is wrong here and he didn't say anything either but it was not until tonight that I'm like.....No that's NOT a good thing Nicole.  I stopped looking beyond where I am today to the possibilities of MY future.  Where I am in my life right now is a Safe place for me.  Now what I mean by safe place is that I know the people around me are proud and supportive of my life.  People who meet me and learn my story and proud of where I am today.  Therefore if I don't try to move out of this spot then I don't have to worry about failing or Disappointing anyone.  (Pause deep breath.......the tears start to fall).
The truth is I do have a dream for my life beyond where I am today but somewhere along the way I have sort of pushed it way back and it got all covered up by everything else I was doing.  It got covered up by the self doubt, by the disbelief that "I" could ever pull it off.  It got covered up for the fear of not knowing what to do and falling flat on my face.  Lately it has been slowly peeking it's head through all that debris I've covered it up with.  There have been little signs in my life that have lit the flame once again.  Slowly but surely I am starting to dream again.  I have started to imagine what this dream could mean for my life.  I started to vision myself living this dream.  This does not mean that I quit dreaming for my kids it just means that now I am dreaming with them.  I know they will accomplish their own dreams.....not the dreams that I have for them but the dreams they see for their lives.  If they fail I will not love them any less and I have to believe that those people in my life that truly love me will not be disappointed if I don't..............(no not even going to say it)  This brings to mind a quote that I hear quite often but until now have never applied it to my life.

There is no failure except in no longer trying.