Raising Hope......

With the Labor day holiday looming I guess Summer is finally coming to an end.  The kids are back in school and Fall sports are beginning.  I can hardly believe how much the kids have grown over this past year.  My son has finally passed me up in height ...... one night he went to bed and the next morning I am looking up at him.  How or when this happened I have no clue.  It seems sometimes that life just has a way of passing us by without us even noticing.  It seems like it was just yesterday I remember walking him to his first day of kindergarten.  I don't know who was more scared him or myself.  This time next year I will be taking him to his first day of high school and I'm sure I will be just as scared as I was his first day of kindergarten.  I realize that they have to grow up and one day each one of them will move away.  (I can only hope)  

I wonder if this whole process is harder for single parents then married couples?  These kids are my whole life and when they are grown and starting their own lives what will I be left with?  I want the world for them and as hard as I'm sure it will be for me I want them to see the world.  I read a quote the other day that said "I want my kids to have everything I could not give them....then I can go live with them!"  LOL  They are already fighting over who I am going to live with when I get really old (50)!  

I've been so blessed to of had these three wonderful human being call me their mother.  I sometimes wonder how I could of been so lucky.  People often compliment me on how well behaved they are and I wonder to myself "Who my kids?  Are you sure your talking about my kids?"  They have their moments and get on my last nerve but then I guess that is normal for any child/parent relationship.  They have been through so much  in their short lives here on earth and I only hope that I have made the right decisions to help them move past that.  I had a conversation just last night with my son.  We were laying in my bed watching a TV show about kids who were getting in trouble and making bad decisions in their lives.  Each of the children had a sad story about something that had happened to them.  Most were from a single parent household and they used the excuse that one of their parents were not there for them.  I looked at my son and said "Everyone has a story......a past......and excuse.  It is up to you to choose what you do with what this world has given you.  You can use it as an excuse to be nothing in life or you can use it to make a difference and be somebody. "  

I really truly believe this that no matter where you come from or what you have been through we are all give the free will of choice.  It is up to us to choose what we want our lives to look like. I pray that my kids will look back on their lives and be happy with the choices they made.  Of course they are gonna make mistakes and that is a part of life but overall I want them to be proud of where they came from and what they have done with their lives.  As for right now I will continue to raise them best way I know how and try to figure out a way to slow down the aging process so that they can stay my babies for just a little longer. 

Dreaming.............

OK, I have no idea how long this post is gonna be but I have this overwhelming urge to write it down to get it out of my head so that maybe just maybe I can go to sleep.  So here I am 11:30 at night in my pj's at my computer writing.  I'm not sure what it is I need to write but it's there it's wanting to come out but I'm a little bit afraid of speaking it out loud.  When I speak it then it's there and everyone knows it and if I don't do it or live up the the expectation then have I failed?  Have I failed myself because I didn't do what I said I so badly want to do?  This leads me to one of my biggest fears.....and oddly enough I really didn't realize it till today.  It's funny how after so many years we can see clearly what has been there all along.  I am AFRAID of disappointment!  I'm afraid of disappointing my family.  I'm afraid of disappointing my friends.  I'm afraid of disappointing my co workers.  I'm afraid of disappointing my kids, but most of all I'm afraid of disappointing myself. 
I have gotten kinda of comfortable in these last few years and really have not set any new goals for my life.  I kinda felt like I was at a standstill in my life and it occurred to me that maybe this is it.  Maybe this is my life, maybe "THIS" is where I am going to spend the rest of my life.  Not that "This" is a bad place, it's a place I can be comfortable and content in and not have to worry about disappointing anyone.  I had a feeling that I wanted more, but was not quite sure what that more was.  I didn't know anything else that I wanted to do with my life so therefore I started to think maybe the more that I wanted was not for me but for my kids.  So that is when I started dreaming for their lives.  Now I don't know if I'm the only mother that does this or if this is normal but I started to imagine all the things my kids were going to accomplish as they got older. I started to get excited for their lives.  I think this is all well and good but the truth is I stopped dreaming for myself.  I even had this very same conversation the other day with a friend and I remember my exact words.  I said "I don't really have any dreams for my life.  All the dreams I have are for my children's lives."  Now I don't know why that didn't strike me then that something is wrong here and he didn't say anything either but it was not until tonight that I'm like.....No that's NOT a good thing Nicole.  I stopped looking beyond where I am today to the possibilities of MY future.  Where I am in my life right now is a Safe place for me.  Now what I mean by safe place is that I know the people around me are proud and supportive of my life.  People who meet me and learn my story and proud of where I am today.  Therefore if I don't try to move out of this spot then I don't have to worry about failing or Disappointing anyone.  (Pause deep breath.......the tears start to fall).
The truth is I do have a dream for my life beyond where I am today but somewhere along the way I have sort of pushed it way back and it got all covered up by everything else I was doing.  It got covered up by the self doubt, by the disbelief that "I" could ever pull it off.  It got covered up for the fear of not knowing what to do and falling flat on my face.  Lately it has been slowly peeking it's head through all that debris I've covered it up with.  There have been little signs in my life that have lit the flame once again.  Slowly but surely I am starting to dream again.  I have started to imagine what this dream could mean for my life.  I started to vision myself living this dream.  This does not mean that I quit dreaming for my kids it just means that now I am dreaming with them.  I know they will accomplish their own dreams.....not the dreams that I have for them but the dreams they see for their lives.  If they fail I will not love them any less and I have to believe that those people in my life that truly love me will not be disappointed if I don't..............(no not even going to say it)  This brings to mind a quote that I hear quite often but until now have never applied it to my life.

There is no failure except in no longer trying.

Sexual Abuse

I have went back and forth over writing this blog entry.  I think I have actually written it now three times and each time I delete it.  It is such a delicate subject and I worry how people will interpret it.  I worry that they will judge me for it and I worry that people will look at me......at my daughter differently.  I worry that one day my daughter will find out and how that might make her feel.  As I have thought about this I have come to the conclusion that just like everything else that I have talked about that this too would not get healed until I talked about it ...... until I choose to release it. 
I have talked about the physical, emotional, economical and verbal abuse that I have went through in my relationship with my ex-husband but the one thing that is hardest to talk about was the sexual abuse.  It is one of the hardest for people not only to talk about but to hear about.  It's hard because this was a man that I loved and trusted.  This was a man that I was married to.  This is the man who fathered my two daughters.  It's hard to talk about because obviously we had sex and majority of the time it was consensual sex.  That is why it is hard to talk about because people question how your husband could sexually abuse you......how could he rape you when you have had consensual sex with him in the past?  Well it is possible and the majority of the time it goes hand in hand with the physical abuse.
I was forced to go through "strip" searches in which he would examine my body for signs that I was cheating.  I was humiliated as he would force me to strip down and then interrogate me about where I had been and who I had been with.  What usually followed these strip searches was intercourse.  Consensual  intercourse?  Well I guess that is in the eye of the beholder.  Did I say no?  Did I fight against him?  In the beginning the answers were Yes.......Yes I said No......Yes I fought against him.  It didn't matter he was gonna take what he wanted and I learned that if I didn't fight it would be over quicker and he would be done with me.
I remember one night in particular we were in a hotel room and he pulled one of his disappearing acts.  He was gone for about 2 days and then showed up one late night.  Without warning he drug me out of the bed I was sleeping in with my son and took me into the bathroom where he forced me to strip down under the bright lights so that he could get a good look at my body.  If I had been sweating (usually my hair or between my legs) that meant that I had been having sex with someone else.  I remembered the tears rolling down my face as he decided that I needed to be "FUCKED" since I was a whore.  When he was done he left me in that bathroom alone to sleep on the cold floor.....because according to him that's what I deserved.  A week later he put me, my son and baby girl on a bus back to my parents.  About 3 weeks later I found out I was pregnant once again.    I was embarrassed and humiliated and there was no way I could tell my family so I once again......pushed them away got back on a bus and went back to him.  I didn't even tell them till months and months later that I was pregnant.
I was recently called by the Oprah Winfrey show about an email I wrote her about a show she did on spousal rape.  I was asked if I would be willing to talk about the fact that my daughter was conceived during one of these instances.  I told her no I was not willing to put my daughter in it because I was afraid of how it may one day make her feel.  I love my daughter very much and my life would never have been whole without her.  There was not a minute that I didn't love or want her.  Some people will not agree with me talking about this now but the fact remains when I hold onto secrets they slowly kill me.  It's not something I am proud of but just like the words to one of my favorite songs "God bless the broken road that lead me to you!"  She is my blessing and I will not look at this any other way.
Women have to be able to talk about all the things they have went through in order to heal and I am a FIRM believer in that......no matter how dirty or ugly these things might be.  Our reality is yes we went through this but look where I am now.......HE didn't win.  I WON!  I have the amazing and beautiful children.  I am happy and my heart is pure.  He can't hurt me anymore.  I'm ready to move on from this even if some people are not ready to hear it....this is my voice and no one will ever again tell me I can't use it.
God Bless and Happy Easter.

Life Changing = Support

This whole week was pretty emotional.  We attended a candlelight vigil to remember those who lost their lives to domestic violence and to honor those who have survived.  There were 4 survivors that spoke each were at diffrent stages in their journey.  One was a year out and another was just six weeks since she got away from her abuser.  It helped me to remember that this is all a process and even though I've been out a little over three years now, it helps me understand that in three years from today I am still going to be processing it in a diffrent way but it is always going to be a part of me.  I'm not really upset about that and I know that sounds a little strange but I like the person that I am today and I know that I am who I am because of my experiences so I cannot discount any of those events no matter how horrible they were.
The vigil was very good in the sense that there was a lot of support in that room.  There was a family of a women who is not with us today and then there were women who are currently in the shelter now.  It was just great to hear their support for one another.  It helped to remind me that we are not in this alone that we don't have to go through this alone.  Understanding that and learning that is just enormous and to a women who is still in the situation it can be life changing.  I know coming into contact with other women in the shelter and survivors was simply life changing to me.  It meant a lot that I could finally talk about my experiences and tell them my story and know that the people I was talking to understood and were not judging me and they had walked in my shoes.   I remember when I first heard them tell their stories. I felt a closeness to them that is unexplainable. When they talked about their hurt I felt their hurt because I had been right their with them.  I think that is just an overwhelming thing to survivors and to those who are still in it and THAT is the one thing if anything I can get across is that your not alone....We are not alone.  Abusers try to make you feel so alone and they cut you off from everyone from any kind of support.  If you can find that one person or group and just understand that you are not alone.  That can help you start to rebuild and make yourself stronger so that when you are ready one day you can be strong enough to leave.
I understand what a dangerous thing it can be but getting those support groups out there and ensuring the safety of the women to be able to attend ......... it would be..........it could be........LIFE CHANGING! 

I've been chosen!

I want to share with you something that I read.  This short passage helped me and I wanted to share it with you.

"For many of us, it is hard to believe that we have been chosen.  Our lives, the circumstances and conditions in which we live, make it very difficult to believe that we have a special purpose, a special place in god's heart.  Even though it is hard to believe, it is true.  The chosen have many tests and trials.  They also have the chosen ability.

Just for today, allow yourself to believe you have been chosen.  All of the experiences you have had were your training ground.  If you are still here, you made it through.  Every experience you thought was a bad experience was simply a test.  Guess what? You passed! All the times you were down, you got up.  All the things you could not do, got done.  Everything you thought you messed up worked out anyway.  Why? Because you have been chosen, and the chosen have a very special ability.  It's called God".   ~ Iyanla Vanzant

I think this is why I choose to share my life and my experiences though my blog and just in everyday life.  I know that God brought me through this for some reason and it is not all for naught.  I have to try and pass on to others what I have learned in hopes to save them from going through the same thing.  I also share so that those who have never walked in my shoes can hopefully better understand the whys?  I know that I am still being tested and I am growing.  Each and every experience I go through I come out stronger and smarter.  I think knowing that makes going through just a little easier.  

Heros

I was laying in bed thinking....going back over the past 10 years of my life....of my children's lives.  I realize that there is a little part of me that still hates myself.  A part of me that is angry, mad and confused at everything that I allowed to happen.  It's almost backwards but Im most upset and angry at myself and not at him.  I hate what I have allowed my children to see and go through.  I hate the hurt that I have caused the people who mean the most to me in my life.  I'M ANGRY at ME!
I was asked to speak at a charity event some weeks ago.  I was scared and excited all at the same time.  It went better than I could of expected and I had some really important people there who shared it with me.  I chose for whatever reason not to take my children to this event so when I got home I wanted to let them know how excited I was at the outcome.  My two oldest children wanted me to read my speech to them and so I did.  The speech included an incident that had happen that I spoke about here in my blog.  It also spoke about how the charity had helped to save my life.  When I was done reading my speech I looked up to see both my children with tears in their eyes.  Had I made the wrong decision reading this to them?  I didn't mean to cause them any hurt or pain.  So I took this opportunity to sit down and talk to them about what it was they were feeling.  I have that outlet here to get it out and yeah they have been through counseling but I never really felt like they have fully opened up about how they feel.

My daughter explained to me that she was crying because in my story I was bleeding and she was sad that I was hurt.  She told me she was sorry that I was hurt and I just held her and told her I was ok now and that everything was gonna be ok.  My son was a little harder to get to open up.  He just stood there in front of me crying and all I could do was hold him till he was able to talk.  He replayed to me a night that he remembered.  As soon as he began to tell his story I knew exactly the night that he was speaking of.  You see I remember every night.......I remember it all and I know there is A LOT that he remembers too.  The night he spoke about William tried to take the kids from the house.  I remember him making them get into the car in the garage.  I took his keys because there was no way I was letting him leave with my children.  He came after me in the house and as I threw his keys across the room he pushed me face first into the wall.  He proceeded to find his keys while I got up and ran to the garage to get my children out the car.
I remember that night I remember bleeding holding my children in the yard so that he could not take them.  I remember it and now I know my son does too.
I continued to let him get it out and after all the tears were gone I started to explain to both of them why I talk about what happened to us.  I told them that I knew they were embarrassed and didn't want all their friend to know.  I said to them........."What if one of your friends at school is going through exactly the same stuff you went though don't you think it would help him if he knew he wasn't alone that he had someone he could talk to about it that knew and understood exactly what he was going though?"  I then said it's ok you guys don't have to talk about it with your friends but understand I talk about to to help others.
I also explained to them that nothing that happened was their fault and there was nothing they could of done.  My son has often said he had wanted to do something but was to afraid.  I looked him straight in his eyes and told him "YOU ARE MY HERO!"  I looked at both of them and told them they were my hero's that they made me stronger and that I was sorry they had to go through that.

That was a rough night and I felt good and bad.  Bad that I had made my children feel bad and cry but also good because we really had one of the best talks we have ever had.  I'm proud of them.  So here I am back looking at myself and angry at the time that they lost.  At the memories that they are forced to live with.  Sometimes I wish their little brains were like an Etch A Sketch and I could just shake em and erase it all.  I just hope that I continue to make the right decisions and continue to help them to heal.  I have so many angels in my life that continue to help me and I only hope to be that for them.  After all they are my heros. 

Guilt of the choice

Come, child. It's evening. Come to me

And sit with me once more.

Let's rock here while the others sleep.

Let's see-your brother's twelve;

The baby is seven years old now;

Your little sister's eight,

And I have not decided if I'll tell them about you.

And you, you would be thirteen this year.

I do not know your name.

The color of your eyes, or hair,

Or where, or how, to blame.

The fear was all, the fear of change,

For I saw change as loss.

Against my dreams, my plans, my life

You seemed so small a cost,

Not knowing how your presence

Altered how I felt and thought,

Not knowing how you changed me

In the mix the hormones brought.

And you were not a child to me

But sickness, pain, and fear-

But oh, I know, I know you now,

Now that these three are here!

Your scent, your weight within my arms,

Your head upon my breast-

I did not know these things when I decided what was best.

And I am lost and so confused

And don't know how to feel,

For you, who were an illness,

Every year become more real;

Your brother and your sisters,

They proclaim you as they grow.

They make it harder still to face

The coldest truth I know:

That knowing-feeling-only

What I knew and felt back then,

I cannot say I would not make

This saddest choice again.

Oh! My little lost unknown,

My first and neverborn,

Forgive the ignorance that sent you

To the dark, unmourned!

And no, it isn't every day

I find your shadow here;

Most times I'm far too busy

For reflection or for tears,

But sometimes, when the children sleep

And I have time alone,

I sit down in the dark, and rock,

And bring my baby home.