Living.......

So this past weekend I got a little inspiration from a few friends to keep writing in my blog.  I guess I have not written in awhile because I think I have pretty much told my story, but as my friends made me realize that my story is not over.  I've shared a lot about my past with my ex husband and I know that my story has reached a lot of people which is exactly what I wanted to accomplish with this.  I wanted women to read my story and know that they were not alone in their struggles that we are never alone.  That feeling of isolation and "Being Alone" is one of the most powerful emotions I felt during those years.  Even though we may not physically be alone we still feel isolated in the fact that no one could ever understand what we are going through.  I knew it would take a lot of years to heal but I never thought that I would feel about my past the way I do today.  I used to carry my past like a scar.  Something I would look at ....... something that would never go away.......and I would feel sad about that scar.  At some point I can't tell you when or how it happened but I actually look at my past with dignity and I carry it as a badge of honor no longer a scar.  I realize that what I went through although as painful as it was made me stronger and a better person today.  It might sound sadistic to some but I'm proud of how I have come out of that situation.  I have no problem talking about the things that happened to me and I sometimes feel that it makes other people more uncomfortable than it does me.  I often joke about the fact that I have such a poor memory and contribute it to being hit in the head one to many times.  Yes I know that it is no joke what I went through but after so many years of the "Whoa Poor Me" story telling I just feel that making lite of it today helps keep me out of that state of mind.  I no longer feel like that poor, sad, hopeless girl that I was so identifying with those emotions is becoming harder for me.  I guess it is true that time does heal all wounds.   I wish I could tell you the magic cure that got me to this place but I'm not exactly sure.  I have the most wonderful and loving family.  They have played a big part in my healing.  I have a  support system that is filled with people I know I can turn to whenever I need without judgement.  Knowing that I can and may stumble and fall is ok because I know they will be there for me.  I have true friends that believe in me and have never left my side.  Then there are my children whom are the most wonderful human beings on this planet.  They continue to give me support and courage to get through every struggle.  Their unconditional love can take me through any storm.  Lastly I would say that giving my story a voice has helped tremendously.  Being able to talk about what I went through and to have my story heard has helped me to heal.  Knowing that I don't have to hold onto this burden and can let it go has lifted a weight from my shoulders.  My past no longer holds me back or slows me down but pushes me forward in life.  I want to thank each and everyone of you that reads my blog.....you have helped me.  I owe you my deepest gratitude. 

Catholic Charities

This was filmed a few years ago and I am so proud of the story they told.  I am thankful to the people who are in my life and who have contributed to the life I have today.  I am extremely thankful to Catholic Charities because I truly believe that they helped save my life.  I know that what they do is a thankless job and to each and every person who touched my life along they way I owe you my deepest gratitude.  I know every journey begins with one simple step and Catholic Charities helped get me started on this journey.  

THANK YOU and GOD BLESS EACH AND EVERYONE OF YOU!

(This is a horrible picture ugggg)

7 Times

Recently in the headlines we have seen a lot about the rumor that Rhianna is back with Chris Brown.  There is a lot of talk and opinions going around about this subject and although I have had my own opinions on the matter I've not said anything till now.  Like with any emotional subject I always think that it is best to give it time and to really think through how you feel before just opening your mouth and spewing out opinions in the heat of the moment.  Over the past few weeks my opinion on this matter has actually changed somewhat and it is only now that I think I have a clear opinion on the whole thing.  I started out as most with just plain disgust and turning my nose up at Rhianna and asking the question like "How could she be so stupid?" and "What message does this send to our younger generation?"  I now realize that I was viewing this subject as an outsider as someone from the general public, someone who has never been in this sort of situation herself.  I understand how I and other people could make these statements and judge her for her actions.
However, now as I am writing this I am looking at Rhianna through the eyes of a survivor.  I understand why and how if the rumor is true that she could go back to Chris.  I know because I am now educated to the issue of domestic violence that the average woman goes back to her abuser 7 times.  7TIMES!!  She is no longer a pop icon in my eyes but a battered woman who is making the choice to return to her abuser.  I don't know if she has had and therapy or counseling after what she went through, but even if she has it does not make it any easier for her.  Just like an alcoholic will always be an alcoholic ...... Rhianna will always be an abused woman.  She will have that weakness when it comes to Chris just as an alcoholic has with alcohol.  I can't tell you exactly what she is thinking but I can make a pretty good guess. You can bet that these are the sort of statements she is saying to herself....."He has not hit me or anyone else in over 3 years!"  "He has taken anger management classes and I know that he can control himself now"  "He is the only man I will ever lover and will ever love me."  "Maybe he is different, maybe our situation is different, maybe he CAN change!"

I know this because I have walked in her shoes......I have spoken will many other women who have stood where she stands and where I have stood.  It is always the same situation all that changes are the names.  I was separated from him for almost 3 years and once again I let him back in my life.  In stead of judging Rhianna I am fearful for her as the situation is never different and I hope for her sake that this is all just that a rumor.

For me it is going on 5 years that I have been out but still to this day I know that I do not and cannot be in the same room with that man.  Someone recently asked me if I saw him again what would I say and my response was....."I'd turn and walk the other way!"

Dating .....children NOT included!

Not really sure where I am going to go with this post but I have a lot going on in my mind right now so bare with me as I try to explain it in a way that is easy to understand.  There is an issue that has been bothering me for some time but I have chosen not to talk about it as I was afraid to step on some people's toes but it is a topic I feel very compassionate about.  I actually take pride in the fact that I don't really shield my children from the world or sensor to much with them.  Some people would not agree with this approach with parenting but then everyone is entitled to their opinion.  Just like you I have an opinion on raising children and I am about to share that here.  Even though I pride in the non sensor ship that takes place in my home there is one thing that I do continue to shield my children from and that would be my relationships with other men.  I don't agree with and never have agreed with having your children around men that you are casually dating or what ever you call it.  I think we as adults have a hard enough time dealing with the emotional aspects of being in a relationship and asking our children to engage in that is just plain MAD!  I can count on one hand the number of men that I have let into my home and around my children.  One I have known for over 15 years and the other is one of my best friends.  At the same time that these men were around my children they had no idea that I was engaged in a relationship with these men.

I have had this talk with my children and they know that I am dating but they are also aware that they will not be meeting anyone until it gets to be serious and when I say serious I mean months into the relationship.  I would never ask my children to have to deal with the emotions that come along with a broken relationship.  I think we downplay how quickly children can get attached to another man.   This point was made very clear to me just the other night while having what I thought was a playful conversation with my 10 year old daughter.  My daughter asked me if I ever wanted to get married again.  I thought about it and said no probably not and she seemed distressed by this answer.  I jokingly made the statement that she was just upset cuz she wanted to be in a wedding or be a bridesmaid.  She turned her face away from me and when I turned her face back to mine I could see her eyes welling up with tears.  She then made a statment that will be forever engraved in my memory......."I just wanna know what it's like to have a daddy."  With that we both started to cry.  So you can say what you want but I would never "dangle" that dream in front of her without knowing it was a real possibility.
I'm not going to tell other women how to raise their children but I just really wish they would think twice about this one thing as I think it can affect a child for life.  I don't know if my daughter will ever get her wish but I can tell you this that I am not out looking for someone to  fulfill this wish.  I am going to continue to date and if the guy does not meet the qualities I feel are necessary to be a good father then there is no need to go any further with it.  I mean why can't women just date????  Why does every relationship we have with men have to be serious and why does he have to always be "THE ONE!"  I can date and still be a good mother.  A man will not take me away from my children and they will always be my first priority but I am also entitled to my free time.
Ok that is all I have to say on this matter.

A Look Back.......

Sometimes we need to remind ourselves how far we have come.  Every October I attend a candle light vigil at the very shelter that me and my kids entered when I left my abuser.  We honor those who have survived and remember those who have lost the battle to domestic violence.  I enjoy it because I get to see my advocate that I had while in shelter.  She was my rock and my support through one of the hardest times of my life.  She calls me her success story but I don't know if I would of been a success had it not been for her compassion and dedication to help me and my kids.  She will always hold a special place in my heart.  On the most recent visit she gave me an envelope with this  article.   It seems like so many light years ago.  As I always say to be successful in the future we must remember where we came from.

Question......

Is it normal to question every move .... every decision we make?  I often wonder if I'm ready to be dating?  I wonder if I can handle having a man in my life full time.....if I COULD bring a man into my children lives.  I've been out of my abusive relationship for 3 years and 7 months (yes I'm counting) and I still question if I'm ready....if my children are ready.  Can I allow myself to open up to someone knowing that I might get hurt again?  I sometimes wonder if I can even feel anymore?  It's not that I don't want to because I do...I really do but it just seems like I have no emotion involved in any of it.  At this point it is not even about men tearing down my walls as much as it is about Me tearing down my own walls.

Raising Hope......

With the Labor day holiday looming I guess Summer is finally coming to an end.  The kids are back in school and Fall sports are beginning.  I can hardly believe how much the kids have grown over this past year.  My son has finally passed me up in height ...... one night he went to bed and the next morning I am looking up at him.  How or when this happened I have no clue.  It seems sometimes that life just has a way of passing us by without us even noticing.  It seems like it was just yesterday I remember walking him to his first day of kindergarten.  I don't know who was more scared him or myself.  This time next year I will be taking him to his first day of high school and I'm sure I will be just as scared as I was his first day of kindergarten.  I realize that they have to grow up and one day each one of them will move away.  (I can only hope)  

I wonder if this whole process is harder for single parents then married couples?  These kids are my whole life and when they are grown and starting their own lives what will I be left with?  I want the world for them and as hard as I'm sure it will be for me I want them to see the world.  I read a quote the other day that said "I want my kids to have everything I could not give them....then I can go live with them!"  LOL  They are already fighting over who I am going to live with when I get really old (50)!  

I've been so blessed to of had these three wonderful human being call me their mother.  I sometimes wonder how I could of been so lucky.  People often compliment me on how well behaved they are and I wonder to myself "Who my kids?  Are you sure your talking about my kids?"  They have their moments and get on my last nerve but then I guess that is normal for any child/parent relationship.  They have been through so much  in their short lives here on earth and I only hope that I have made the right decisions to help them move past that.  I had a conversation just last night with my son.  We were laying in my bed watching a TV show about kids who were getting in trouble and making bad decisions in their lives.  Each of the children had a sad story about something that had happened to them.  Most were from a single parent household and they used the excuse that one of their parents were not there for them.  I looked at my son and said "Everyone has a story......a past......and excuse.  It is up to you to choose what you do with what this world has given you.  You can use it as an excuse to be nothing in life or you can use it to make a difference and be somebody. "  

I really truly believe this that no matter where you come from or what you have been through we are all give the free will of choice.  It is up to us to choose what we want our lives to look like. I pray that my kids will look back on their lives and be happy with the choices they made.  Of course they are gonna make mistakes and that is a part of life but overall I want them to be proud of where they came from and what they have done with their lives.  As for right now I will continue to raise them best way I know how and try to figure out a way to slow down the aging process so that they can stay my babies for just a little longer.